Not Easy Being Green!

I wear a lot of green. Earthen tones - browns, tans, khaki, grey.

What I don't wear much of is Red. Orange, Purple.  Bright colors.  I wonder sometimes if it's because I've always wanted to kind of blend in.  To hide.

It's not that easy being green
Having to spend each day the color of the leaves
When I think it could be nicer being red, or yellow or gold
Or something much more colorful like that

It's not easy being green
It seems you blend in with so many other ordinary things
And people tend to pass you over 'cause you're
Not standing out like flashy sparkles in the water
Or stars in the sky...

But I want to be bright!  To be like the colors of the rainbow.  To find more times when I look to the skies after the rain to hopefully glimpse a rainbow, and smile!

Kermit sang this.  And I know that even if I don't always wear bright clothes, that there are parts of my spirit that are brighter than anything I could have ever imagined. Getting brighter every day when I realize that I have more hope than I've ever had in my life.

Frustrating days come, and we have to go through those.  I just want to take the hand of the one I love, walk and talk, smile and laugh!

The lovers, the dreamers and ME!

Divorcing the Past

I've been through it.  It's not something I would wish upon anyone.

The process is a grueling stretch even under the 'easiest' circumstances.  With the added dimension of children, houses, retirement, etc. it becomes a nightmare.

Our past can be the same.  There may come a point where you have to STOP living in it and let it go.

I know it's what we have to draw on - our experiences.  Our memories.  But I've spent the better part of my life running, fighting, enduring what that past made me.  It's not always healthy.

So I am going to lay out the paperwork.  Set the terms.  Knowing that there will always be some lingering memories and thoughts.  Maybe even a good one or two.  But there needs to be a final decree.

Divorce it.

Draw solid boundary lines.

Let it be.

And find out what this life is with a fresh start, a new love, and some healing of my own...

Part 2

I saw his picture for the first time in years.  I've never sought him out.  Never wanted to see him face to face again.  Unsure what my reaction would be to any contact.  But there he was.  Mysteriously in my "people you may know" section.  After three years of never seeing anything on Facebook, it wasn't until two weeks ago that I saw him.

It brought tears.  Anger.  Confusion.

I'm tearing up just thinking about it - but this has to be written.  More for me to move through the residual pain than anything else.  This is the way that I work through it.  Pen to paper (well, maybe more typing to screen).

There is a restlessness inside when I think about how I had to hide.  Hide from myself.  Or hide myself.  Not sure which one is correct.  I've confronted my past in many ways.  I see that there is a developing story that I have the chance to write the ending.  The horror that I've known is just a memory.  It still resides, but it is only a lingering spirit that I know fades more and more with time.

But this time I actual saw the face.  The face of the man-child who would destroy any hope of a normal childhood.  But he's aged.  Has a family.  Has a wife and was smiling.

Part of me wants him to suffer.  But another part of me just wants to forget.

I've struggled the last couple of weeks with this.  But pushing down my feelings is never healthy.

I am MAD.  I am Overwhelmed with ANGER.  I am still trying to figure out how and why...

My scars run deep.  I've seen how it has directed much of my life.  Steering me into waters deeper than I was ready to swim in.  I'm one of the lucky ones though.  Somehow I found something deep inside that wouldn't die.  When everything around me was a storm, I found that I just wasn't willing to drown.

Oh, there are days when I feel it.  Right now and over the last weeks I've felt it.  But I don't want my life to be defined by my hurts.  I want more.

I went to lunch with my son today.  He's still such a kid.  I know that there is stuff going on emotionally inside him.  I know that he has gone through a lot with me not being there everyday and some of the pain of life that is just part of growing up.  But I wish him the fullness of growing into maturity - just a little at a time.  I want him to have no questions about who he is.  Let him find it with a smile on his face and a fullness in his heart.

I want to protect him.  But I know that there will be times of pain.  He's so much of me - and maybe that's part of this.  I get to see him grow in a different light.

I'm still unsettled by the face on the screen.  But I have faith.  I know that my life still has a lot of growth to come.  Seems like every day there is something new.

SO I CONTINUE THE JOURNEY...

from Georgia to Maine

2,181 miles.

The Appalachian Trail

Those who hike it straight through from it's beginning on Springer Mountain in Georgia all the way to Mt. Katahdin in Maine are 'through hikers'.  

Some take it in shorter increments.  These are "Section Hikers".

I am personally only twenty miles shy of doing the small amount in Georgia - about 80 miles.  Nothing compared to the challenge that those who put aside their lives to conquer the beauty and beast of the entire length.

But this weekend Jenelle and I took to the trails for an overnight trip from Amicalola Falls to the Start - the southern terminus to this great adventure of a hike.  We were just there to get our legs moving and spend a night in Nature's Call.  Along the way we ran into several that were starting the trek to Maine.  And it made me think.

Doesn't it take a special mentality to even fathom such an undertaking - let alone complete it?

• To do the full length one way can take anywhere from 5 - 7 months.  
• To weather the vast array of conditions.  
• To carry your house, your food, your clothing in a pack strapped to your back.  
• To leave the technology and civilization we are so accustomed to and disconnect from the world.
  
  

I don't know if I have the stamina or strength of will to do it.  And right now I'm just wanting to get the rest of Georgia completed.  But I do know something of the mindset that says "Nothing is going to stop me.  I'm not going to let anything stop me moving forward on this journey."

Every day.

Today I had to face some bad news.  I am bummed.  I am also frustrated.  But I can't sit and wallow.  I know that there will be other opportunities.  Other 'trails' and trials to face and forge ahead on.

So even if my feet never make it all the way to Maine - to Katahdin, I know that I'll push forward in the life that I've chosen.  The life with a new love, more time with my precious kiddos, and continuing to Traverse the Day!