Part 2

I saw his picture for the first time in years.  I've never sought him out.  Never wanted to see him face to face again.  Unsure what my reaction would be to any contact.  But there he was.  Mysteriously in my "people you may know" section.  After three years of never seeing anything on Facebook, it wasn't until two weeks ago that I saw him.

It brought tears.  Anger.  Confusion.

I'm tearing up just thinking about it - but this has to be written.  More for me to move through the residual pain than anything else.  This is the way that I work through it.  Pen to paper (well, maybe more typing to screen).

There is a restlessness inside when I think about how I had to hide.  Hide from myself.  Or hide myself.  Not sure which one is correct.  I've confronted my past in many ways.  I see that there is a developing story that I have the chance to write the ending.  The horror that I've known is just a memory.  It still resides, but it is only a lingering spirit that I know fades more and more with time.

But this time I actual saw the face.  The face of the man-child who would destroy any hope of a normal childhood.  But he's aged.  Has a family.  Has a wife and was smiling.

Part of me wants him to suffer.  But another part of me just wants to forget.

I've struggled the last couple of weeks with this.  But pushing down my feelings is never healthy.

I am MAD.  I am Overwhelmed with ANGER.  I am still trying to figure out how and why...

My scars run deep.  I've seen how it has directed much of my life.  Steering me into waters deeper than I was ready to swim in.  I'm one of the lucky ones though.  Somehow I found something deep inside that wouldn't die.  When everything around me was a storm, I found that I just wasn't willing to drown.

Oh, there are days when I feel it.  Right now and over the last weeks I've felt it.  But I don't want my life to be defined by my hurts.  I want more.

I went to lunch with my son today.  He's still such a kid.  I know that there is stuff going on emotionally inside him.  I know that he has gone through a lot with me not being there everyday and some of the pain of life that is just part of growing up.  But I wish him the fullness of growing into maturity - just a little at a time.  I want him to have no questions about who he is.  Let him find it with a smile on his face and a fullness in his heart.

I want to protect him.  But I know that there will be times of pain.  He's so much of me - and maybe that's part of this.  I get to see him grow in a different light.

I'm still unsettled by the face on the screen.  But I have faith.  I know that my life still has a lot of growth to come.  Seems like every day there is something new.

SO I CONTINUE THE JOURNEY...