I hate you right now.
There is an anger that burns in me deep and still crackling with the dry pine that chars and blackens my eyes.
You have tied my soul to a stake at its center... trying to kill the last bit of humanity that I felt for you.
And you almost succeeded. I am blackened, sick with soot and ash. Struggling to breathe over the longest two weeks I can remember.
But you didn’t.
At this point I am sad, beaten down and weary. But i also feel sorrow for your burden. How you walk around with all that inside you and unable to really let it go, the pain, the guilt, the hurt that you hold, I don’t know? The judgements that you put on me, on others, but don’t realize that you too need help to move on. I wish you would have listened to my own pleadings for you to find solace and help. But you are too strong for that. Instead you’ve asked all of us to change. To bend to your ways. And you have never been happy with the compromise that had to be. I’m sorry for that. But we all have to bend.
And I still love you. I may be one of the only people on the planet to see your heart and know how terrified you are at times. The walls that you build are hard to trace, but they’re there. I know the good that is there too. Just so much there that covers it up.
Let them down. Find the answers. Not in control, but in peace and communion.
I will always have a part of me that is yours, but I know that until you can succumb to a realization of all our faults and humble yourself to another, you’ll never be happy. I want you to be happy.
I hate you and I love you.
And if you need me I am here.
Still. Even after the pain you’ve just put me through.
Chad
02/06/18
does anyone even read this? my bullshit writings about a life I wish I had. a life I've never known...
it doesn't matter.
What matter's is a little boy. a bubbly, full of life and stubborn-genes boy who can light up the world with his smile, his laugh, his endless questions. "what's that daddy?" "where you at daddy?"
well for almost two weeks now he's been gone. he was taken away without my knowledge. she took him, without any announcement except a text 5 hours after they left. taken 12 and a half hours away to permanently move him with her. It wasn't the plan that we had worked out and told family and friends. It was premeditated. She started planning it as I was leaving town for a conference. these aren't my thoughts, these are facts.
and I didn't even get to say goodbye. to play with him for a minute. to stand in the way of her doing what I considered the unfathomable. my lawyer had asked me on the Wednesday that I left if I trusted her with him. would she do anything drastic or flee? I immediately said "no", that's the one place I knew we trusted each other. or I thought. how could she do this? I'd never deny him to her. I know how much he means to both of us, and I thought we were both looking out for his best. but now I wonder if that was a lie.
she's starting her life over. she's moving on. but i'm his dad. i'm important as well. he needs me too.
i've had to do things that I thought were never going to be part of my life again. the horrors of seeing my two older ones being dragged from Atlanta as young ones has been overshadowed by this. then I was too young and broken to even fight it at first. now I have no choice.
but I just want to see him. to hold him close. to rock him to sleep. to read to him and just walk and have him ask his many questions. to sing with me.
why? why would you do this? you've broken more than my heart. I don't understand. he's not a possession or a belonging. he's my little man. I love him so much.
and I miss him.
how do I express that over a video screen or a phone message?
I was willing to do just about anything to be close to him. now I'm just unsure.
since I know that no one reads this, I'll close. it's just me at 4:30 am with a heart full of tears. broken and needing my son.
