my little man

does anyone even read this?  my bullshit writings about a life I wish I had.  a life I've never known...

it doesn't matter.

What matter's is a little boy.  a bubbly, full of life and stubborn-genes boy who can light up the world with his smile, his laugh, his endless questions. "what's that daddy?" "where you at daddy?"

well for almost two weeks now he's been gone. he was taken away without my knowledge.  she took him, without any announcement except a text 5 hours after they left.  taken 12 and a half hours away to permanently move him with her.  It wasn't the plan that we had worked out and told family and friends.  It was premeditated.  She started planning it as I was leaving town for a conference.  these aren't my thoughts, these are facts.  

and I didn't even get to say goodbye.  to play with him for a minute. to stand in the way of her doing what I considered the unfathomable.  my lawyer had asked me on the Wednesday that I left if I trusted her with him.  would she do anything drastic or flee?  I immediately said "no", that's the one place I knew we trusted each other.  or I thought.  how could she do this?  I'd never deny him to her.  I know how much he means to both of us, and I thought we were both looking out for his best.  but now I wonder if that was a lie.

she's starting her life over.  she's moving on.  but i'm his dad. i'm important as well.  he needs me too.

i've had to do things that I thought were never going to be part of my life again.  the horrors of seeing my two older ones being dragged from Atlanta as young ones has been overshadowed by this.  then I was too young and broken to even fight it at first.  now I have no choice.

but I just want to see him.  to hold him close.  to rock him to sleep.  to read to him and just walk and have him ask his many questions.  to sing with me.

why?  why would you do this?  you've broken more than my heart.  I don't understand.  he's not a possession or a belonging.  he's my little man.  I love him so much.

and I miss him.

how do I express that over a video screen or a phone message?

I was willing to do just about anything to be close to him.  now I'm just unsure.

since I know that no one reads this, I'll close.  it's just me at 4:30 am with a heart full of tears.  broken and needing my son.