I personally believe that inside us we all have the capacity and the inner desire to do good. I know there are exceptions, times when we lack compassion, but those are muffled by my heart’s calling to reach out and to help others. The same calling that we hope will be returned when we are down or in trouble. But even when there is no echoing of help from places we expect it, we still have the ability to love, to help, to not turn a blind eye to those suffering beside us. To DO GOOD.
I am ashamed that I have not been better at this. Often times using the excuses of my past to shield me from being human. Just being a human being. Focusing on a bigger picture than what my eyes see. Because sometimes my eyes are blinded by my own insecurities and hurt. I don’t walk among you better or lesser than anyone else. I am here like most of us, trying to find my place, but maybe I should be spending more time knowing my place. That I need to serve others while on the journey. Not taking a sabbatical just to get to the place that I’m ‘good enough’ to serve others or ‘willing’ to serve others or ‘humbled’ enough to serve others.
Oh, I’m still rather broken. But instead of cowering in the corner, I’m hoping to make a little bit of a difference. Fucked up as I am, I want my kids to thrive, my friends to prosper, those that I work with to be successful, and the stranger to be less of a stranger, maybe a friend I just haven’t met yet.
With the recent changes in my life, I find myself again without a partner, without the person that I thought was going to be with me forever. And I desperately want that. But at this moment I need to make sure that I am aware, sensing what the world around me has to offer and not just tasting the delicacies, but partaking in the hard work of lending a hand or being available for those who might need it. And there are many examples around me of how to better be a servant. Some people will think that seems stupid. I don’t want to be subservient to anyone, but I do want to help make life better. And maybe store up a little of those treasures in heaven, if you believe in those.
As I was sitting in a parking lot earlier, having a phone conversation, I noticed a woman with shoes that were falling apart, tattered clothing and very dirty, disheveled hair. Something inside me urged me to walk over to her. But another voice inside kept my doors locked, my windows up and my head turned forward, not daring to fully look her way.
I failed.
I chose to sit in comfort in my truck and not do anything. And as I write this, I am ashamed. What kind of man, person am I if I sit and watch another suffering without at least trying to get their story. We all have a story to tell. And maybe she would have scoffed at me and resisted any help. But what if she just needed to talk. To share a little of herself with someone and to see compassion without judgement. I have felt that – the judgements when you really just need to be heard. I don’t know, but I chose to cower in safety instead of learning a little bit about someone else on this planet. Possibly helping, definitely taking a chance. I am truly ashamed of this.
So tomorrow I will get up and do it again, this journey of life. I hope I’ll have the chance to redeem my choice from today, but no matter, I am more aware that I want to be better. To truly, hopefully DO GOOD.
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