DEXTER

So, a serial killer with the penchant for killing other serial killers. Even if you have seen the TV show, you’re probably sitting there going “where the hell is he going with this?”  But that’s what’s been on my mind over the last week or so.  Not the desire to start hunting down really bad people and carve them up.  I’ll leave that to the main character of the show.  But the inner monologue that really is the heart of the development of the show.  SPOILER ALERT – I may spill a few secrets about the show in this…

So, I have within me an inner dialogue.  It’s the small conversations that I keep inside that guide me, frustrate me, give me creative ideas or just burst forth with song lyrics at the most inappropriate times.  And it’s a part of me that has probably helped me tough out some very hard times.  That voice has seen me at my best, my worst.  It knows me.  Maybe the only place I’ve ever been truly honest.  Truly vulnerable.  I don’t go around living in lies, but there are always walls.  Castles I’ve built, had destroyed, built up again, that guard the most precious parts of me.

In the show, Dexter is his own narrator.  His voice, his internal paranoia, and sometimes clarity are oftentimes as fascinating as the action that’s happening on the screen.  And in a sick, twisted way you see him grow.  His reality changes as he starts to grow in his relationships, but never fully able to tell those around him, those that he loves (if he’s capable of love) that he’s a FREAKIN’ SERIAL KILLER!!!!

Fear.  Of course, his fear is that of jail, death, being known in the world he works in – the Miami Police department.  Isn’t that funny?  He hides in plain sight amongst the same people who would have him locked up forever if they knew him, really knew him.  And more than that, he HELPS them to find killers.  Whoever came up with the idea for this show is genius.  Pure F**King Genius!

I hide.  I am scared.  I had the realization in my counseling session this week that even in that incredibly safe place, I don’t feel completely safe.  My counselor was actually slightly saddened by this.  Not shocked, but with everything we’ve walked through, years of pain, Lee, Jenelle, I think he hoped that I had found a refuge.  And in many ways, I have.  But I am still afraid.  I know me.  I’m damn incredible at times.  I’m also a handful.  But if I told you everything I’ve experienced, everything I know, I still fear that you’d run.  Run far away.  I’m not a sicko, but I don’t have a cookie-cutter, everything easily lines up in neat rows past.  I have a dirty, ugly, “oh-my-god we’ll pray for him” (while secretly judging him) past.

And those same prayers, though meant to be a help, are often one of the biggest triggers to hide a little more.  To submerge deeper into safety.  I know there’s a God out there that loves me, and I even hide from him.  Funny, but true.  How do you hide from a God that’s everywhere, if you believe in that?  Honestly, I don’t know anything other than to try to be the best person I can be, be myself, as long as you can handle a little disruption (I’ve been told I enjoy ‘stirring’ things).  

And that’s what these blogs are often about.  They are my inner monologue trying to find voice.  They’re not everything I think, but they allow me to see my life.  Look at where I’m at and try to work through the places that hurt, struggle, or even the good thoughts and feelings.  It is a safe place.  And if you’re reading this, I’m allowing you to see a little of me inside.  Yes, there are many areas that I still hide, but I continue to grow, like my favorite serial killer.  

My counselor knows me.  And I’m going to keep opening up there.  My “village” knows me better than just about anyone.  My best friend seems to sense things without words.  He kills me with his quirky ability to time things when they are really needed.  It’s almost eerie. 

And I hope to one day have the one person who will allow me to speak.  Without judgement.  Without fear.  With sincerity, and a lot of sass!

In the end, I don’t want to be sitting in a room, alone.  Even if it is the way my serial killer hero ended it. (MAJOR SPOILER)