How many lives do we live? Not in some transcendental manifestation or hereafter, but how many lifetimes do you see when you look back at your past? I see three. And each is so different from the one before. Not truly an evolution, but each winding through the person I was, or more wasn’t yet. All along one path full of ebbs and flows through a story that I no longer shy from when asked to share – that is if you dare.
Dissecting each, I’m trying to give myself some clarity as to where they all meld to make today, tomorrow. And maybe yield some perspective on how all of our lives are one continuous journey, with many stops along the way. They have meaning, purpose and even in the dark times they give us the deepening roots to who we are.
Joseph Campbell was quite right to perceive “The Heroes Journey”, a circular pathway to enlightenment and growth. If you don’t know who this is, it’s ok. Star Wars, Hercules, Jesus, Iron Man all go through a similar arc. And while I dig his thoughts and insights, I HATE the term Hero. So, I will call it “Every Man’s Journey”. And this is my call out to EVERY MAN, EVERY WOMAN. Over the course of my own three lives.
First Life: The child inside dies, yet there is a spirit of hope, of laughter about him… “Shattered”
We all start out with this innocent core. Something that is waiting to be touched with design, with insight, with new things to explore. Yet there comes a point where all of that is tainted. With the brutality of an abusive home. The need to be perfect from a former prom queen mom. The silence from career parents who need to focus on the next step, the next promotion. With the uncertainty of poverty and neglect. With our own searching and seeking knowledge/truth, where dark and light often sit side by side. Everyone has a story being written from an early age. Maybe even from conception, but I dare not broach that topic because I might enrage some with my own personal stance.
When it’s shattered, the innocence that’s so precious, it’s not a bad thing. It’s how the fracture is handled. Is it mended and tended to or is it hidden? Is it made known to everyone through ridicule or shame? Is it embraced and honored, even blessed? When innocence is gone, it’s gone. But it doesn’t have to destroy. It can further enlighten and mold us – if there is communication and a voice given. Side note – as I was traveling through the pain of my past, I learned that I had to bless the moment of fracture. Otherwise I would stumble along for the rest of my life.
When I was 8, I knew. And I hated myself for the longest time. But I also loved the simplest parts of life. I’ve always sought those out. Even rotten, disgusting acts by evil men can’t take that away. At least they don’t have to. I survived. I hid. Yet, I still played. I ran through my neighborhood, rode my bike (symbolic now if you know me). I wanted to fit in more than anyone would ever know. In fact, every chance I had to tell my hurts was immediately pushed down by my need to be LOVED and not feel rotten at my core. I was busted up pretty good. Found food. Masturbation. Star Wars. God. Music. And finally writing. Oh, thank you for the written word. That may have been the biggest safeguard to the inevitable.
But a dam is only able to hold back so much water, so many tears before it collapses. And mine burst. It burst forth with the destructive power of a tidal wave and it wreaked havoc on my and my young family’s world. And the clean up from such an event, well there’s just not much you can do but try and start over. Nothing left but a “Shattered” man. A broken life. And Death – though not a physical one. A spiritual collapse of epic proportion that just doesn’t go away.
Not without help.
“How many times can I break til I shatter?
Over the line, can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break; let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time
But I'm shattered
I always turn the car around”
~ Shattered by O.A.R.
Second Life: Two Worlds Collide - “Against All Odds”
After losing everything, and yes, I truly lost everything, I found myself seeking anything that would fill the void within me. And at this point I knew EXACTLY how big of a chasm I housed inside my soul. When your truths are exposed, they aren’t always palatable. They can frickin’ burn! Truths are a fickle pill. They can be just that, true, but who the hell can handle all of someone’s truths. The family I loved dearly quite honestly didn’t know how to handle the monster that I was. Though they wouldn’t ever know all of my ‘sins’, just the pain that I caused. The rough edges inside me started to show – then hide. I found myself meandering more than ever. I was truly lost in a wasteland of hiding, being found out. Living for my God/Spirit yet burning within. And It was a good thing.
Yup, I just said that. It was a good thing. You can’t really move past early hurts without hurting as much in the groaning to be more (Think Thor in the latest Avengers movie). Oh, I didn’t just spend a little time groaning. 15 years. Not wasted, but in pain. Wondering if there really was anything up above. A waste of a man, at least in my own eyes. I fought to be ‘normal’ while I wasn’t even sure what normal was. I gave myself to growth, then pulled my own feet out from under myself in the process.
But it doesn’t have to be some epic event. It’s in the daily grind. I respect the HELL out of some men who I see as really good dads. For some reason my cousin Casey (Chatham) keeps popping to mind. I don’t know him well in this life, but we grew up around each other. I do respect what I see from his and Lisa’s, his wife’s posts on Facebook and just knowing the provisions he brings to his young family. You have to daily decide to go against the odds and fight everything that pulls you away from a spouse, family, persistently making that small difference that will touch not only his kid’s lives, but his wife, friends, family. Just because everything looks good on the outside doesn’t mean there aren’t huge heart battles being fought. Battle lines drawn and all enemies kept at bay, silenced and unable to take hold over those that are entrusted to us.
Against all Odds…
I thought I was there. But I lost that battle. I failed. And so did my spouse. And we fought each other with a vehemence that terrified me both physically and spiritually. We were wrong. And we lost. Only a little boy survived (barely). And that has been no easy back and forth.
I am strong. And I’m a fighter. But I often fight my battles deep inside without any loud battle cries or strong champions at my side. And that stings when one of your deepest desires has always been to find that one person who ‘gets me’.
Third Life: “We’re Not Gonna Take It….. Anymore”
Then there comes a point where it really just doesn’t matter. The pain, the struggle. They are just your past. You wake up one morning, after years of fighting and realize that breath is more powerful than all those dark hurts. You shed the boy and become the man. Not losing hope, joy, laughter, but realizing that the world can really just SUCK IT! I’m not gonna take their bullshit. It’s my life and all the other hidden and overt designs upon it can just take a big ole hike!! Believe what you know to be your own truths. Live and love the way you were meant to, for you.
The journey, Every Man’s Journey is one day at a time. In each moment. Digging deeper roots, even in foreign soil in the far reaches of the universe (the Pacific Northwest), while growing stronger, wiser, calmer. Find spirit. Seek truth. Guard when you need to guard. But don’t hesitate from opening up to new possibilities or truths. They grow us. Make us stronger.
So journey on.
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