this hero's journey

*this post piggy-backs on a post from fall of 2019

this hero’s journey

First, I am NOT a hero.  That is just the phrase coined by Joseph Campbell in 1949 to describe the epic journey some of us have to go through in this life (also known as the monomyth).  Believe me, if I had a say in it all those years ago I would chose no journey at all - just a simple life with all the trappings people talk about - a house, a wife, 2.5 kids, a dog, a front porch to watch fireflies late on a summer night.

I’m also not Luke Skywalker, ‘Harry Potty’, Joan of Arc, Abraham Lincoln or even Hey-sus (Jesus, people!).

What I am, well that is yet TBD.  I know what I am inside, and I also know the hurts that have run a good portion of my life, but here I am - being asked, no forced to STAND and see what this life looks like without the taint of Lee.  I get to go back to 7 years old and reclaim the rest of my journey.  My semi-heroic one (trying to give myself some credit here!).

I’m almost one month from ‘the tree’.  A place where I thought I was going to take control and be done with the pain.  My plan failed.  Miserably.  But instead, living through this has been the hardest, possibly most real battle of my life.  Facing the shadows is hard.  But I was told to stand.

I have nothing to gain but my soul.  

And I have nothing to lose.  That makes me dangerous.  Because when you have nothing left to lose, you’ll do what it takes to survive.  You’ll stand in front of the demons and you’ll laugh at them as they lose their power over you.  The man who started this journey becomes a caricature, a silly-faced oaf who will absolutely deny any responsibility.  A sad example hiding in the shadows.

I’ve faced him 10,000 times in my mind.  I’ve woken up so many nights with the shadowy ghost of him standing over me.  But this time I will not relent until I stand face-to-face.  I’ll slay my Dragon, and then walk away.

Maybe then I can find that simple existence… Probably not. I’m kind of high maintenance in some ways.  But I’ll know that I stood. 

And then I’ll head north. 

I’ve got an appointment that I have to keep.