Lasso the Sky

I had a friend recently tell me that you can’t tie a lasso around a bird.  They have to fly free.  And I immediately knew the sentiment.  The times that I have flown the highest are those when I was free to spread my wings and soar.  Sailing on the wind, letting the fresh breeze hit my face.

Yet, sometimes I make mistakes when I take a leap… try to fly on my own.  You can’t fly without the wind underneath your wings.  It’s a scientific fact, the factor of lift.  Science meets faith whenever a plane lines up on the runway or when an eagle spreads itself out to soar over the Western skies.

It’s a leap of faith every day that we open up, approach the cliff and hope to soar.  The view up there is glorious when we touch the clouds, just shy of heaven.

And sometimes we fall.

Grounded.

Physically

Emotional

Mentally

Spiritually

Finding myself back on the ground, looking up, but not sure how to mend. How do broken wings heal and eventually soar again?

Flying isn’t passive.  Even when just riding an air current with wings fully spread, there are forces that direct and guide.  Kinda like God.

I’ve landed back in Atlanta.  Whether it be for a couple of months or the rest of my life, who the hell knows?!  But I’m here.  One thing I will say about myself is that I don’t mind taking a risk if I feel like it’s worth it.  In the last two years my risk-taking has been a lot less fatal.  I know there are things that scare others, but taking a couple of months to see if a new city (Charlotte) was worth it; I don’t consider that a failure (at least I’m still trying to convince myself that it wasn’t a failure lol).  What I do realize is that baby steps are ok, that breathing is good and recharging is not only necessary, it’s critical right now.

I was running away from situations in Atlanta that I wanted to remove myself from and in typical Chad form, I jumped immediately into a bigger storm and now I’m finding myself looking back down at my feet. 

Where I stand.

I hope to not be grounded for long.  And the incredible support that I have around me keeps telling me to just take a moment; in, out - keep breathing…

We can’t lasso the spirit.  That inner voice, that guides us; our God, our higher power, where we go for direction and strength.  Let it soar within you. 

Let it rise!

~ Peace

The Burtle 

$50 Tip

I don’t do handouts. I don’t want your money. I don’t want charity. I’m going to damn well do this by myself (or so I say!).

I also don’t give money away. There was a time in my past when I used to work a homeless ministry late on Thursday nights throughout high school and part of college. My uncle and I would go to downtown Atlanta (pre Olympics 'white-washing' of the city) handing out sandwiches and one night I literally left without the sweatpants that I was wearing over the top of my shorts.  True story.  Dude didn’t have no pants!  What was I gonna do?!

My heart’s been hardened though. I typically don’t want anything from you because then I might have to give back.

I’m not saying that I don’t owe people money. That’s something I’m working hard on right now. During 2020 I racked up an Alps sized mountain of medical bills and other expenses due to bad decisions and bad health.  It’s a mountain that I will climb slowly.  Recently I’ve had a few people that I’ve had to say I’m sorry to for this; because I am.  It’s a shame and guilt that I have carried.  And presently I’m trying to take action on all that.

But even this old hardass sometimes looks at a total stranger and just says “Okay. What can I do?”

A young woman with a dog was standing outside of Quiktrip (Quiktrip is a gas station around here).  I knew something was up because she started to speak and couldn’t get the words out.  Of course I thought she was faking it at first.  Then she started crying.  She said timidly through her tears, “can you help me?”

I don’t know if her story is legitimate or not.  I don’t care.  In my life I have pledged to do the next right thing.  In every situation.  As best I can.

So the girl looks at me, as I’m trying to pet her dog.  She says “I just need $42 to keep my family safe.”  Fuck.  I’m unemployed for the second time in Charlotte but I can’t just stand there and do nothing.  Take a breath… I always keep $100 in my wallet. Two $50 bills if possible.  It’s my emergency money. I took out a $50 bill and handed it to the girl saying - 

“I hope you’re telling me the truth; use it wisely.

God bless you.”

It’s just fucking money.  It really doesn’t matter.  If I truly believe in the savior who came down, the God who guides me and in a life lived in rigorous honesty, openness and willingness, I can’t get wrapped up in the money.  There’s so much more out there.  She said she had two small kids and her husband and her were both out of work.  Regardless of her motives, that was the next right thing for me.  Of course I second-guessed.  I don’t know her.  But fuck, what if it was for real and I just passed her by?

‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

~ Matthew 25:40

Thursday I’m going for the ‘third times a charm’ here job-wise.  Charlotte has not been an easy transition.  My best friend and his wife, two of the dearest people in the world to me have been very patient (I’m crashing at their home).  I came up here on a whim and I have fallen on my face twice.  Life sometimes just sucks.  Hard things happen.  And as I creep up on two years of this new life, I realize that it’s better even when it sucks.  Because at least I’m dealing.  I’m hurting.  But I’m not helpless.  And sometimes I have to ask for help.  Just like the girl above.

Over the next couple of days I plan on sitting down and examining what exactly was going on that brought me up here.  It’s part of figuring out and not making the same mistakes again.  And I also get to pray.  Pray for today, pray for those around me, and pray for His will over mine.

As I sat down a moment ago I thought about that young lady and said a prayer.  I hope that she can find her peace.

For all of you out there, say a prayer.  For those suffering*.  For those close to you.  For me - hell, I need it.  For those you struggle with - I think we’re supposed to love our enemies as well…  Just pray.  I don’t care who or what you believe.  But reach out and reach up.

Maybe somebody will put just enough money in your hand, or take care of something for you at some point that will bless you.  Or, maybe you’ll see that it’s Okay.  It’s okay right here, right now.

~ Peace

The Burtle 

* 'for those suffering in and out of the rooms'

...

Sometimes with her it feels like I am Indiana Jones running down the hill and she’s chasing me (big ass Boulder), and sometimes I feel like it’s a not too subtle push into the deep end of the swimming pool… She’s real and she’s strong and she is adorable at times.  She’s a good friend and I’m thankful for that.

She’s also gone through the hell that is divorce.  Not the easy 30-60 days and it’s over divorce, but the real, nasty, police involved and everybody knows how ugly it is divorce.

And on Monday it was over.  At least on paper.  Emotionally, I think that answer might vary.  When I first met her it was “I’m done with this, I just have to get the paperwork over with.”  But I know there’s more to it.  There's still the ups and downs of dealing through the wreckage.  That’s not a cut, that’s just me realizing that I’ve had my own journey through divorce. 

Divorce sucks.  There’s no winner, only losers; usually the kids.  The emotional toll is high, the taxes paid are in life force and lost time.  There’s no highroad, because at this point you’re taking something that was at one point one of the highest institutions and seeing it sullied, broken, done.

Personally, I do believe in marriage.  The institution; a moral and spiritual bond.  I’ve also fucked it up.  I know that.  I don’t deny my past.  And I’m sure that is one of the things that often hinders me when I get into relationship with others, especially the ‘pretty girl’ variety.

So K, she’s one of those people that you don’t forget.  Who seems so freaking strong, like 'She-Ra' strong but with a softball bat.  Underneath though, I know there’s a tender side as well.  A very loving, hurt little girl who just wants more in her life.  I hope she finds it now.  I really do.  I’ve prayed for her and I pray for her soul.

Here’s where I haven’t fully talked with her so I’ll just say it here.  I don’t believe we can find peace until we find peace deep within our soul.  A peace that passes all understanding.  Something bigger than us.  Mine is God.   I don’t know what hers is.  I have mentioned it a couple of times but I don’t press.  I just try to show that even fuck-ups like myself can still find something bigger.

K, I’ve learned a lot from you. I’ve fought with you as well. And you are special to me. Thank you for being my friend.

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.”

James 1:2-6

~ Peace

The Burtle 

For a moment, for a season, for a lifetime

Real-ationships.  What does that even look like?

Transparent 

Honest

Depth

Available

Sitting

Laughter

Those are just a few words I came up with.

It’s seems to me that most of us are striving for something.  Life’s journey.  And along the way I have personally found that one of the things that truly matters is those that are around us. Those on the journey with us, that come in and out of our lives, that help inspire, teach, correct and even love us.

Sometimes this comes in the form of a single interaction, a brief interlude.  Sometimes it comes in the hand that walks beside you for a season, just like the years follow through different times, these people are there during a struggle, during a time of joy, during a time of pushing through.  And then there are some who are there for our lifetime.  I’m not just talking about family, because I have a firm belief that family often presents itself deeper than just skin and blood.  But there are some who just always show up; are always there and never fade.   A rare few.

On my own personal journey I try to embrace one day at a time.  It’s the simplest course.  It doesn’t get mired down in what’s going to happen six months from now, it doesn’t ignore the day and leave it wanting.  It helps suck the marrow out of every moment.  And it is not without thought for the future. But there is no future without today. We have to take advantage of the moments ahead of us. Time is fleeting and precious.  If we’re not careful we will run out of it before we know.

There are people in my life that have been there for just a split second.  Some who have been there since day one. Though the relationships always change, there are those who have suffered through all of my crap and still remain. (Thank you!)

As I look at the ones around me, those in my memories and those that are currently beside me, I am thankful.  Blessed.  I have relationships that go back 30 years and I have some that go back just a few moments.  And they are all very special. They all help teach us, guide us, make us better.  Even the hard ones.  Because life isn’t just easy.  Life isn’t just ‘happy happy joy joy’.

Life. Is. (F*ing) Hard. 

And I chose to take it, with the ones who come along…

One step at a time.

~ Peace

The Burtle 

Hope

 Hope.

I didn’t have any for so long. When I go outside at night and look up at the stars I get a little glimpse of God. When I read this passage for the first time I realized that I was in the right place. That now my life has hope.

One Day at a Time

One tear stain

One quiet rain

Running down the cheeks

Of a man who’s known the pain

And it doesn’t subside

Without doubt inside

Telling me again and again

“You really should have died”

Hope lost, buried down

So far underground

That all I could see 

Was the world through darkened clouds

Until a starlit night

Came clear into sight

And my drowning spirit

Found just a little (hope) inside

‘Who then made all this?’

Saw the world through a new lens

And slowly as the tears dried

Started to look up again

Hasn’t been the easiest task

To find hope instead of a flask

But over those first hard days

Found a peace that lasts

And on nights like this

When I look up at the stars, make a wish

I breathe in, breathe out

And let God do the rest

Sun will shine at dawn

And I get to wake, with a yawn

Face this life, everyday

Knowing the true pain is gone

One day at a time.

10/13/22

clc

~ Peace

The Burtle

Trans

“Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” 

~ from John 8

We were called to LOVE.  Not Judgement.

The 1977 Trans Am

I have no right to tell you you’re WRONG if you don’t truly appreciate Burt Reynolds, Sally Field, Jerry Reed and of course Jackie Gleason, and the smoking hot car that lightnings across the screen in 1977’s Smokey and the Bandit.  Maybe you are wrong <not really>.  And we’ll refrain from discussing the General Lee - not the groundhog, but the Dodge Charger that The Dukes drove screaming through Hazard County!

Trans Atlantic Flight

I have NEVER flown a Transatlantic flight, but I long to put my feet on the rich soil (historically and physically) of Scotland, Ireland and the aged countryside that my heart knows shares some of my past, my being.  How can I judge something I’ve never experienced?  I know I’m not always the best traveller through the skies, I’m still waiting on my red cape and spandex suit…

Trans Siberian Orchestra

I HAVE seen the Trans Siberian Orchestra back in Atlanta.  It was a pretty good show as long as I didn’t wear my trained musician ears and just enjoy the show and music.  And even if I did start judging, I’m not the guy up there.  I’m not performing.  I don’t know what each performing member has going on - on the stage, in their personal lives, what’s driving or hindering them.  I just need to sit back and experience.  And if I don’t like it I can just NOT buy a ticket to see it again.  That simple.

But there’s another Trans…

Who am I?  I’m a child of God.  A man.  A father, a son, a brother.  I’m healthy and as close to whole as I’ve ever felt in my life.  Regardless of what or who I am, I am loved.  

And I CANNOT, WILL NOT, hopefully ever look down on another of God’s creation who is finding their own path in this life.  My faith WON’T allow it.  The God I love so dearly just isn’t about the dagger of judgement and shame that I have experienced so many times in the past.  If God is Love, then I need to show LOVE <3 

You be you.  God and Jesus love you - at least in my simple understanding.  I know that we all are different.  People, stop shunning and start hugging.  I know different, odd, diverse is often scary.  I’ve lived in that circle and circumstance my entire life.  Just FUCKING Stop.  Show love - and not love with a BUT.

“I love you, BUT if you would only”…  NO!  

I love you.  I love each of you.  My enemy and my friend.  My family and my coworkers.  My tribe and those I get to meet along the way.

Who didn’t love the Trans Am from Smokey and the Bandit.

While it’s a little scary to me, Trans Atlantic bridges the lands across the seas.

Though not everyone’s jam, the Trans Siberian Orchestra has some really cool Christmas music.

Maybe I’m a man trying to be Transcendental.  Look that word up.  

Maybe we should all be a little more Trans…

~ Peace & Love

The Burtle 

“…he sat down to teach them.

The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, 

“Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” 

They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.

But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, 

“Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” 

Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.

At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”

“No one, sir,” she said.

“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. 

“Go now and leave your life of sin.”

John 8:2-11

Little Old Lady and Her Little Old Man

Sat there and watched them, almost blatantly staring.  Little old lady and her little old man. Wanted to go and talk to them but honestly the story in my head would suffice.  

“They’ve been married for 62 years.  She looked longingly at him as she sat waiting - he fetching both of their sodas from the machine.  They were young and involved at an early age and one of their first dates was at a new-at-the-time soda fountain where he paid for both of their Coca-Colas with the money he made washing cars and mowing lawns for the summer”

The reality - well I just don’t know? 

I have seen that connection before though.  My grandfather adored his wife, my grandmother, Berta Marie Martin.  They didn’t have 50 years, but I saw him take care of her as she lost the battle with Cancer - that bitch of a disease.  They still remain the couple I look to when I think of healthy, loving couples.

From that union brought four siblings.  My mother married her high school sweetheart and they were together 50 years before she passed in 2020.  My aunt married her’s as well and they still live and are uniquely happy in a world where so many just don’t seem to find or work for that. 49 years (Fifty in February)!

My Aunt Judy and Uncle Owen - 52 years; 

"They've not all been wonderful and great, but that's life and I can't imagine it being any other way" - Judy

My Uncle Weldon and Aunt Vicky - 43 years married + 7 years dating = 50 years!

"I still get butterflies!!" - Vicky

I’ve never known that.  I don’t know the deep commitment that it takes to keep marriage alive, thriving, full of life and love.  But I still believe.

I sat and watched the old couple, only half listening to the three young men I am working with.  Two of them are married and I’ve asked questions here and there about their relationships.  I do wish them well.  Not giving advice, because even though I think 'failure is experience', it’s not the same as someone who’s weathered the hard and come out on the other side.

Cambrey, my daughter is recently married and I pray for both she and Cody often.  I don’t know their path but I wish and hope the absolute best for them.  And as for me, well I’m still waiting on the “Dude” upstairs to shine his light down on someone special for me.

Maybe in 20 years I'll sit holding the hand of someone who looks at me the same way that little old lady looked at her beau.  With a smile of knowing…

…and a heart full of love.

~ Peace

The Burtle

What if I stumble…

“What if I stumble? 

What if I fall?

What if I loose my step 

And I make fools of us all?”

~ DC Talk

Such poignant words. Doubt creeps in and cripples us. Fear can take away any ounce of joy.

What do I do? I stumble and fall a lot.  But now, instead of reaching for a substance or reaching inwards towards my insecurities, I reach up.

I was once in a relationship where everything had to just work. Everything had to be ‘perfect’ the first time and bumps in the road came like earthquakes that rated like a 22.8 on the richter scale* lol.  And that’s just not living.

Failure is a part of life.  And so is taking chances. Sometimes you have to get out on the dance floor and show everyone just how bad you are, laughing at your mistakes and keep on dancing.

I’ve been praying for the last three months about three major areas in my life. My living situation; where I live and the area that I’ve called home for so long. My work life; not just my job but for something that might be sustainable for this last career of my life… and God willing this is my last career!  And relationships; damn that’s such a hard one, and another blog for another day.

Part of me wants to stay in the safe. And believe me, the last two years I’ve done a whole lot of work to try to maintain a healthy, safe lifestyle.  I don’t wanna lose that.  But there’s a part of me that wants to breathe deep, to stretch out - and fly.  I need to spread my wings.  This isn’t a rash thing, it’s been coming for a while.  Just didn’t expect the location to be exactly where it’s heading.  I’ve got family there and I know I have a way of life that lends itself toward community… I just have to show up.

Isn’t that part of it?  Life.  Community.  Knowing that there will be people who show up when you need them.  And I want to be one of those people, those who show up.  I’m going to fall at times.  I’m going to stumble.  But to go back to the life I knew is not something I want to dwell on.  Because one day at a time I get to choose to be here, present, now.  And it’s been a beautiful journey.  So instead of getting somber and boo-hoo, I’m just gonna take one step at a time.  Who knows what’s beyond the waiting horizon?

And when I stumble, just like Batman…

“Why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves up.”

And often that comes with help, community, family.

~ Peace

The Burtle 

*’Although the Richter Scale has no upper limit, the largest known shocks/earthquakes have had magnitudes in the 8.8 to 8.9 range.’ - from the interwebs!

the Maelstrom

Oh I’ve been there.  In the recent past, and even 20 years ago…  I know what a storm looks like.  Steel grey skies and looming thunder, just waiting to rain down on us.  I know when it’s time to get on my knees, be still and pray.  Because there’s nothing that’s going to take away the storm and sometimes just like ‘going on a bear hunt’, you gotta go through it.

Years of avoidance, time wasted, tears shed without any understanding of why I was even crying.  Because I was sitting in the storm.  Funny thing is looking back, those that I blamed for the trouble that I went through or the circumstances that I was always pointing towards, they weren’t the storm.  I was.

Regardless of what any other person, place or thing did, it’s my crap.  I had to own my side of the street.  Now, I don’t need to bend over and take it in the ass, but I do need to be real about the fact that I typically have had a place in building the storm.  Whether it be by my own actions or often times more through my own inactions.

Storms are real -

Hurricanes, Tornadoes, Twisters, Maelstrom sized things that we go through in life.  And if you’ve never gone through a storm, you scare me more than I used to scare myself… Because how can you have a life without some junk?  It’s to own the messes we’ve had that shapes us - breaks us and then rebuilds us.  What we need to know is that we’re not alone in this. That when the storm happens, there’s a lifeboat.  Sometimes it comes in the shape of faith, it can come in the shape of friends, family and it can even come in the shape of self-love. When we finally realize and embrace that; that it’s ok to love my ‘self’.  Wow!  Damn, it took me a long time to get there.  I was 48 the first time I spoke those words.  

“I love me.”

That may sound irrational, but you don’t know my whole story.  It was easy to make myself ugly even when I wasn’t.  Because shame and guilt lived so rent-free in my head that they often times took over any logical or even spiritual thought.

Something I still struggle with is bashing myself. But I seem to be getting better at it.  I’m on a long walk tonight and I realize that physically I haven’t been as active the last several days, so I bash myself.  But honestly, the sky is turning to night, I can hear the cicadas in the nature area where I typically walk, and even the noise of the cars in the community around is beautiful. 

Instead of judging myself for what I’ve not done, I’m on my feet, moving through the community that I live in.  That’s pretty incredible.   Years ago I would’ve sat inside, blinds shut and lights turned off just trying to sink further into the sofa and disappear.  Sinking in and trying to avoid the storms...

I know there are people around me enduring storms right now.  You know what, I can’t wish them to go away.  What I am going to wish and pray for is that you find inner peace; God, the guiding light that lets you know that the storm will eventually pass.  When I first started using ‘Burtle’ at the end of my blogs people asked me what it meant.  It’s a buffalo and a turtle.  The buffalo is one of the few animals that when the storm comes they push through the storm, not running away or cowering. And the turtle, well if you’ve met me you know sometimes I need to just slow it down a little bit.

So as you face your storms, know that you’re not alone.  There are people around.  For me, there’s always God.  And that’s a pretty special relationship that I’ve learned just doesn’t go away.  Even when I spat at him years ago, even when I denied him, there is this huge loving father who just says ‘I’m here’.

He wrapped his arms around me and he just held me tight. He helped me through my worst storms, even when I didn’t want to make it through them. And he was there on the other side. 

It seems that I always cry when I write these, because it’s just so incredibly cool that there’s something bigger out there.  And if you don’t believe in God or a higher power, that’s okay.  This is my journey, you have to find yours.  But I wish you peace; if you’re traveling through a storm or when the next one brews.  Because just like the sun is going to rise, things are gonna happen in life.  

So get your umbrella (I don’t personally own one - they scare me!!), your rain boots, and face the storm.

~ Peace

The Burtle

Authenticity

Rigorous honesty.

That’s what I’ve chosen.  I didn’t choose it on my own.  I chose it through a series of events that led me to the bottom.  And then another series of events that started building me back up.  One step at a time.

I find it very difficult to lie.  And believe me, I was the king of liars.  It just doesn’t work.  To be untrue means I’m being untrue to myself.  It means that I’m lying in my core.  At the end of the day, when no one is looking, when no one is around, I want to have character.  To be a man of character.

Speaking of Character, I’ve said in the past that I would love to end up one day a mix of Mark Twain and Rhett Butler.  Because as I was driving to work this morning I realized that I am a lot country, a little civilized and pretty damn smart.  And that’s a great mix (in my honest opinion).  And in that combination I want to be known for being someone who speaks truth.  Witty, maybe even a little bit daring, but I always true.

I can be blunt as hell, compassionate, can be hard to get to know and can be very loud!  Explosively loud.  But in recent months I’ve found that I find solace and strength in quiet.  I enjoy having those times where I am just by myself, with my thoughts, with God.  Alone.

As I’m trying to be authentic here, I have to state that I’m dealing with someone in my life who is anything but.  At least from my perspective.  Someone who's actions show they are purposely trying to keep me from the person who actually matters most to me.  I hope Cade and Cambrey understand, but that little boy means so much right now.  He’s at an age where he needs to see his dad.  Where he needs to be known.  And I am continuing to advocate for more.  For time, for communication, for a real relationship.

I married someone several years ago that looked so positive and put together on the outside.  But it wasn’t true.  It wasn’t authentic.  It was a façade; a picture painted to make things look perfect.  From my recollection there’s only been one person who ever lived that was perfect.  And I really love that hippie (if you don't think Jesus was a hippie, we should talk... like have a down and dirty conversation about a man who balked everything the establishment threw at him - for US!)

So I’m going to cry tonight.  And it’s okay.  I miss my son.  Little man.  I miss my older son.  I even miss the girl…

I choose to go to bed tonight and to wrap myself up in the knowledge that I am taken care of by a creator that is much bigger than me.  That the legal system, my ex, those who don’t care to understand recovery are not what guides me.  What guides me is a hope that comes from a God that I came to truly understand… in the rooms.

~ Peace

The Burtle