Go Where the Light Is

Typically there’s a song playing in my head as I wake each morning.  I don’t pick it, just randomly kinda plays from the soundtrack of my brain.  Music is powerful, emotional, real.  My playlist finally switched off of Ashely Cooke this morning (we’ll meet again - nothing wrong with some pop-country love and hurt at times!)

This morning: Where the Light is, by Campbell.

Chorus:

“So can I go?

Can I go where the light is?

Go where the light is?

Can I go?

Can I go where the light is?

Go where the light is?”

We are seekers of light.  From Plato’s Allegory of the Cave to Edison’s quest for man-created illumination.  We need it, want it, want to be the owners of it.

My body craves it; sun, warmth, direction.  I moved to Portland, Oregon in the summer of 2019 and it was glorious.  Such a beautiful place.  Green, the state of Oregon is one of the most magnificent countrysides and blue skies that rivaled Georgia's, and so bright and inviting.  Until October.  Then the sun shut down for 4 1/2 months and the curious affect which is seasonal depression kicked in.  I mean, I’m from Georgia - we have SUN!!!  Even in the winter.  For that four months, before I decided I wasn’t made for the dreary skies of mist and gray, I agonized over the loss of light. 

Take away the illumination that we’ve created to stimulate, scintillate and direct toward whatever earthly goal we have in mind (we’re not living in the time of simple streetlights guiding our paths home through picket-fenced neighborhoods or the city’s vast burroughs) and you have the true light.  It’s inside us.  It’s burning, even if just an ember.  It’s real, like the sun.

I seek it daily. 

For me it is internal and eternal.  How can you capture the sun?  You don’t.  We as humans have found ways to harness and utilize it - think suntans to solar panels.  It is present, it is powerful and at least for me, it is life.

I am a seeker of the light.  The light that guides my day, hanging above the skies and the light that guides my heart.  Hovering amidst my spirit.  I found that living in an environment that looses the light for 4-5 months at a time isn’t conducive to my mental health.  And I know that even a day without seeking the light that guides my spirit is akin to death.

Where is the light?  In morning.  In coffee.  In real conversations with my peeps.  In placing my fears out on the table with a trusted friend (Fear Inventory - ask me about that if you really want some depth!). In music!  In my heart (“this little light of mine”).  In you.  In God.  Let’s be honest, if you know me, you know that my faith has been the one light that has walked though Luke’s cave (ROTJ), crawled up off my belly like Jonah, warmed and warned me when I was cold or in danger.  The light that shone when I was darkest.  It’s in the smiles of my kids, the hugs of dear friends.  It’s all around us. 

I hope you find your light.  Maybe it's something we could talk about.

For me, I’m gonna “Go where the light is!”

~ Peace

The Burtle 

Where the Light Is, Campbell - YouTube

the dark

It comes. 

Whether I want it to or not.

the dark.

It doesn’t come as often.  It doesn’t stay as long, but it still comes in like a dark cloud and sits.  Sits over my days and on my emotions.  And it doesn’t just go away. 

I pray.  Lean into God. 

I reach out now.  There were times in the past when I just dug a big hole to hide in.  Scared and alone.

 - - - - -

The people around me know what’s going on. 

It’s not subtle, it’s not easy, and it fucking sucks. 

For a day.  Maybe two or three. 

It comes. 

And it’s here right now.  I’m not crazy; I’m not losing my shit.  I’m just being honest, and it’s okay.

It’s going to be okay. 

Resting, but not wallowing; hurting, but not hurting myself. 

It’s a wave that I’ll ride.  Then the sun will come up and I’ll be okay. 

I know what to do now.  I know who to talk to, and I know how to keep it real.
 

 - - - - -

I retreat a little more when it’s like this.  Only wanting to be around those who know and understand. 

I am one of many.  I’m not alone.  There are so many others out there who understand the dark cloud of depression much better than I do.  Many others who are walking through this one day at a time. 

Mental health is a real thing.  How many of us have deficits there?

Don’t be scared.  Be brave.  Be open and let those who care about you know. 

Don’t take it for granted though, because it’ll fucking kill you.  It’ll end you if you don’t do the things. 

Talk to others. 

Journal. 

Pray. 

Walk. 

Breathe. 

Breathe again.

And sit in silence, knowing that it’s going to move on. 

“The sun’ll come up…

…tomorrow”

~ Peace

The Burtle