here comes the Sun

second in the "fab four" series of posts...

"Little darlin'
it's been a long, cold lonely winter.
Little darlin'
it feels like years since it's been here.

Here comes the sun."

We've had rain.  Boy has it rained over the last two weeks. Seems like it would never end.  And then when it does end, it immediately picks up where it left off without even a brief respite for those of us here.

The rain doesn't just make me sad.  There is something inside me that finds it difficult to smile, hard to get up and function.  Like the sun is the energy source that pulls me out of my slumber and depression and allows me to go about my tasks.

Maybe you've found something similar.  I hear that there is a legitimate sickness associated with lack of sun, rain, etc.  I don't really know.  I just know that I fight with myself on those days to see the joy and laughter that I carried so easily just days before.

So today I find that the cold doesn't even faze me.  The wind and chill are but breathes of the SUN that is shining over my head.  Pull on my coat, head out the door and know that even the difficulties that may come today are nowhere in scope to the powerful orb that fills the sky with light.

Inside I am requesting my soul to understand that yes, there is something to this 'sun thing', but to also realize that my heart isn't based just on the rising and setting of the sun.  I find solace in knowing that this dark can affect me.  AND THEN I HAVE TO GO AND FIGHT IT!!

Today I drove down the road to my first stop.  I had two emails from clients that had issues and I faced them.  And was still able to smile and think about all the good things in my day.

I need to bottle this feeling of relief that a clear day brings.  Give it to all those that I've met that really struggle and let's find a way to see the light that shines within us - even when the day seems dreary and melancholy.

Here comes the SUN!!!!!!!!

"...when I'm 64."

"When i get older losing my hair,
Many years from now.
Will you still be sending me a valentine
Birthday greetings bottle of wine.
If i'd been out till quarter to three
Would you lock the door,
Will you still need me, will you still feed me,
When i'm sixty-four."

So I sit in a diner and I'm in people-watching mode.  In comes a man stooped over with age and health.  He smiles, walks over to the counter and gives his order.  Across the room is a grey-haired lady talking knowingly with two younger ladies.  She knows them, or at least knows the right words to say to be able to easily converse with them on more than a "how can I help you" basis.  Another man goes to read his paper.  

What are their stories?  What kind of lives have they lived?  What will my story be when I'm 64... 84...

The fast pace is gone.  They go about their day in the rhythm that they've found connects them best with this moment in their lives.  The tempo may have slowed, but there is still life in the eyes.  Especially the lady who works at the diner.  She smiles a genuine smile and is content.  Who knows if she reached all of the goals that she had for her life as a teen.  Who knows if she has more that she wants to do.

No matter.  I am thankful for her smile and the attitude with which she goes about her day.  I've sat here for over an hour and I'm aware that there was pain in the one man's step.  The other a sense of something missing.

So as I grow older...wrinkled with age...will I find my way
will I still be able to hum a melody...
or will I grumble day after day.
(hummed to the tune of the Beatles' song)

Guess that's a choice only I can make.

hard

Sometimes it seems like you just have too much in front of you - not enough in your soul to make the climb.

It's hard.

I stood at the trailhead to Rabun Bald, Georgia's second highest mountain and wondered if I had it in me.  3 Miles.  2500 feet in elevation.  It was there in front of me and I had to decide if I was truly up for the trek up to the summit.  

I could have bailed.  It's hard.  I could have just turned back to the car and went down.

But hadn't there been other times in my life like this?  When the mountain lay before me and I had to decide to stand up and walk or sit down and give in.

I've been called many things in my life.  Quirky, stubborn, loco, loud (among many others), but NEVER a quitter.  I've always tried to push through the hurts and the pain of life and try to find the moments of levity and strength that help us move forward.  Rabun Bald was just another trail.  Another climb to move over an obstacle to the beautiful view that lay at it's peak.

So this weekend I found myself at a trailhead of another type.  I found myself needing to be Honest and open with someone I've grown to really care for.  While I was in Savannah at the state music convention I found myself in the midst of a decision and a pledge to open my heart to all that I just hadn't been able to say.  There were so many times that I had tried, but never was I able to find the words and voice them.

I walked the streets of Savannah late one night and into the morning.  I always find so much strength and solace in fresh air - whether it be on a mountain or in the Urban skyline.  I found myself longing to do more than just think about things.  I was ready to act.

And it would be hard.

But my heart came to the point of moving beyond the fear and doubts that held me back and I was resolved that I could do this.  

Sharing your heart and soul with another person can be one of the hardest tasks that we ever face.  There is so much longing for things to not be disrupted by bad news or trials that we push those things down and away.  Hoping they will just go away, while stagnating any growth in a relationship.

It was hard.  But I sat down in one of those intimate moments and shared my heart.  I was honest.  I waited to see if this would be the end...

I started up the trail, knowing that no matter what the outcome I would traverse this mountain.  Like so many of the physical mountains I had climbed, I would take it one step at a time and persevere til I reached the top.

NaKeD

Ever had that frightful dream where you wake up and find yourself at school, at work walking around and everyone is looking at you.  Most laughing, some staring in disbelief and then you look down....

...and you're totally NAKED?!?!

come on, I know you have!

Embarrased
Shamed
Exposed

Nowhere to hide.  All of you is just 'out there'.

For me it is followed with me jerking awake - hoping that it's all just a dream and I'm not actually standing among my peers unclothed.

What if we walked and lived our lives as Exposed?

How would our perspective, and those around us' perspective change?

No coat to ward off the cold.  The bitter emotions would sting a little more - like the frigid wind.  But maybe our own words would be less biting if we were saying them from a state of exposure.

The folly that suggests that a certain outfit, lifestyle or attitude makes us who we are might be replaced with a new awareness of just how silly we all look in the buff and maybe our laughter and genuine self would be expressed clearer.

Thankfully you DON'T have to undress to be NaKeD like this.  Just think of the pretenses that WE ALL live under.  Yours and mine may not be the same, but there are those things that make us feel elevated above others around us.  What if all those were stripped away?

What if...

...the Pastor stood in the pulpit...

...the Police Officer directed traffic...

...the Window Washer cleaned his panes...

...the Politicians debated...

...NaKeD?!

This might all seem silly.  But what if I told you that I am getting NAKED?

Open to who I am, who I'm becoming inside and letting that be seen!!

TOP TEN LIST

It always seems that I am struck with a thought or a pause late at night.  So here it is 1am and I have something to say...

10 years.

A decade.  1/4 of my life so far.

Wasted.

Not that I didn't learn things over that time.  And I wouldn't be where I am without going through those years, but I see the sum of those as being in the red.  In the minus column financially, emotionally, spiritually.

During that time I was labeled by the person I was with, and then furthermore the church and spiritual leaders around me.  I found that I hated teaching.  I hurt the ones around me emotionally because I hurt so badly myself.  The days were full of frustration and depression.

At one point over those years I was compelled by others to destroy 20 years worth of poetry, writings, drawings.  Everything that helped describe me was thrown into a fire and burned.   And at the time I was brainwashed to believe that it was some sort of sick cleansing.  I wish that I had a fraction of those pieces of me.  They helped me to relate my world.  I always carried some type of journal around to help me capture what was on my mind.

Guilt.  Man, I learned from a master how to find guilt and let it drive me to fit into that perfect cookie-cutter mold that was being preached to me.

So here I am 10 years later and I'd like to spin this to where I sit tonight.  Where my life is at this moment.

Here are the TOP TEN CURRENT POSITIVES IN MY LIFE:

10. This Blog, My Journal (which I have a new one that I was just given over Christmas - it's so much like the ones I carried back in 'the day') and all the outlets to express myself that I've found continue to entice me to keep writing.

9.  My Job.  I actually like what I do and most days find myself thankful that I have a job that fits me pretty well.

8.  Music.  I stopped listening, playing, singing music for over two years.  I've enjoyed getting back to simply listening and finding that it can speak in such a gamut of emotions.

7.  Hiking - both solo and with The Atlanta Outdoor Club.

6.  A Faith built on something I never found in a church - most of it found in the mountains and trails in and around Georgia.  There is something so Spiritual if you listen to the whispers running through the trees.  A peace and an understanding that continues to move within me.

5.  Earl Turner, Matt Tinnell, Amy Wilkins and others who have been true friends.  Some of you have seen me in the worst parts of my life and I thank you all for traveling through those days with me!!

4.  The recent attempt to have some new type of relationship with my family.

3.  Caedmon Lee Chatham and Cambrey Elizabeth Chatham.  They may not see my face as often as I'd like, but they are such a huge part of my heart.

2.  Melissa.  (smiling!)

1.  Me.

I have found that I like me.  For such a huge part of my life I hated who I was.  Ugly.  Lacking.  But I realize that those thoughts aren't from me.  I smile and laugh more - have had people notice the difference.  I don't beat myself up as much when I screw up and I'm learning to find solace instead of stress whenever possible.  I find that I'm actually a pretty good guy, and I like that guy!

So there you have it.  A new feeling inside.  A new perspective taking the hurts from so many years and turning it around to find the positive.

Chicken FRIED!

"...cold beer on a Friday night.

a pair of jeans that fit just right and the radio up..."

So this is the thing.  I never really thought of myself as a Country Music fan, but as I look at some of the music I listen to - from Johnny Cash, Reba, Taylor Swift, Lady A, Hank Jr. - I guess there is a lot of country mixed in there.

And then I look at myself.

And I realize that I've got some country running through my veins as well!

Now get this straight.  Jeff Foxworthy will not be using me as any fodder for his famous brand of jokes.  There's a lot of Rock and Roll, Jazz and Classical.  Just like there is some serious 'city boy' in here as well.  But there is another self-realization that I'm coming to and Zak Brown has some of the inspiration for that.

"It's funny how it's the little things in life, that mean the most
Not where you live, what you drive or the price tag on your clothes
There's no dollar sign on peace of mind, this I've come to know..."

I can be high maintenance at times.  I can be difficult.  I can be just plain surly.  But down deep I am a very simple creature.

I love the simple things...

~  taking a walk with someone I care about and talking.

~  a good movie, or better than that a good book!

~  a beautiful sunrise, especially if I've climbed a mountain to see it.

~  the look in her eyes... when she's looking at me!

~  my kids - when they say I love you I just melt inside.

~  a good cry, to release and cleanse the soul.

And no matter what I do in this life.  Where I end up.  What course I take.  I find that I"m a little "Chicken Fried"...

...and I smile!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p9hOMetw7qI

WHAT IF YOUR HEART STOPPED BEATING?

Think of it this way...

You find yourself looking down at YOU.  Heart stopped and you get to do a "George Bailey" overview of where you are.  Where you stand.  What your life sums up to.

Would that be a frightening picture?

For some it might, but let's take the snapshot...

Maybe it can be a wonderful picture of what you've done RIGHT NOW.  Not looking solely at your past, but taking in the picture of today's accomplishments, triumphs, defeats; battles won and lost.

Would you change anything?

One day life will end for each and every one of us.  It's not a fear thing, but it is one of those mysteries that we don't control if we allow life to flow.  I woke up one morning and found myself living like I was already dead, and that is a dark depression that is not easily overcome.  I found myself so miserable and alone I didn't enjoy life - I didn't laugh - I didn't sing.

I did have that opportunity to look down at ME.  I missed my kids.  I wanted some sort of twisted relationship with my folks.  I hated my wife.  I was a wreck.  And I couldn't continue on like that.

IF THIS IS IT, TODAY, THEN I WANT TO KNOW THAT I GAVE IT EVERYTHING THAT I HAVE!

What if you lived everyday as if your heart had stopped...

Could the thought of this moment being your last change your life?  One moment at a time?!

You're a SURVIVOR

You get swung at.  Knocked down.   Taken off guard and find Yourself down for the count.  Everyone has left your corner and you lay there in the middle of the ring hearing the echoes…

“One…

Two…”

This is real, you think.  You have to get up or lie there and throw in the towel.

“…Three…

Four…”

Can you face the monster that has been pummeling you for three rounds?  Can you even attempt to stand, get on your feet and even try to get to the ropes?

“…Five…

Six…”

What’s inside you?  Can you live with allowing yourself to go down this way?  Did you give everything you had?

What will they say if you leave things this way?

“…Seven…”

You ARE still in this.  You have more to you than anyone ever thought.  You have survived bigger onslaughts.  You have faced much tougher foes.  No Matter What…

…YOU ARE A SURVIVOR!

“…Eight…”

So you stand.  You face your own personal Klubber Lang, Apollo Creed, Mike Tyson. 

Finances.  Depression.  Anxiety.

“…Nine…”

NOT THIS TIME.  IF YOU’RE GOING DOWN, YOU’RE GOING DOWN SWINGING!!!

LAUGHTER.

Seems like I was drawn into a twisted plot to eliminate laughter from my life.  The strain to laugh hurt so much that I resolved myself to the frowns, the sullenness and the misery that comes when LAUGHTER is no longer a part of our lives.

That was the way it was...

What I have recently seen is laughing, cackling, smiling, falling out on the floor over the humor that comes from everyday life.  I've also found that this doesn't have to be anything programmed or sought after.  The laughter can come from the day around me, or as it has over the last couple of days, from Jimmy Fallon.

Jimmy, thank you for helping me to see how addictive laughter can be.  No, you aren't the reason my life is more full of this new alien thing they called 'laughter'.  But I have sat and watched you on YouTube and I find that I can appreciate the crazy antics even more.

When I get too full of the serious side, I need to remember the tears from laughing so hard it almost hurts.

When I get too sullen or removed from others, I need to remind myself that Laughter truly is addictive and it can permeate even the hardest moments with some levity.

When I find that I am sad, I need to know that it's ok to be sad, but that even those moments can be lightened, if even for just a second by the lift of the spirit that comes from Laughing out Loud!

Yes, we use the LOL so much that we might just forget that to use that might be more effective if we are actually SMILING, GIGGLING, SNORTING (yes, you know who you are, you snorters of the world!) and LAUGHING OUT LOUD at what life has to offer us!

Find humor in the everyday.  Find a Smile.

And LAUGH!

trav·erse  [trav-ers, truh-vurs]
verb,trav·ersed, trav·ers·ing, noun, adjective.

verb (used with object)

1. to pass or move over, along, or through.

2. to go to and fro over or along.

3. to extend across or over: A bridge traverses the stream.

4. to go up, down, or across (a rope, mountain, hill, etc.) at an angle:      The climbers traversed the east face of the mountain.

SO NOW BEGINS A NEW YEAR...

Each step leads to new adventure - in the everyday journey and our paths that intermingle to form the life that we live.

I've spent the last 7 months taking brief pauses and writing about those experiences.  That won't stop, but I feel that 'sojourns' speaks more of where I've been.  The years it took to get to last year. The tears it took to really start letting go of those hurts that haunted me for so long.

I'm sure there will be more, but from here on out I plan on Traversing the path ahead with less and less of the past keeping me captive.  

NEW DAYS.  NEW ADVENTURES.  
NEW JOURNEYS TO BEGIN.

I hope that you will join me.  I will still reach out with my thoughts, but under the new address:

traversetheday.blogspot.com

Happy Journeys!!!