TOP TEN LIST

It always seems that I am struck with a thought or a pause late at night.  So here it is 1am and I have something to say...

10 years.

A decade.  1/4 of my life so far.

Wasted.

Not that I didn't learn things over that time.  And I wouldn't be where I am without going through those years, but I see the sum of those as being in the red.  In the minus column financially, emotionally, spiritually.

During that time I was labeled by the person I was with, and then furthermore the church and spiritual leaders around me.  I found that I hated teaching.  I hurt the ones around me emotionally because I hurt so badly myself.  The days were full of frustration and depression.

At one point over those years I was compelled by others to destroy 20 years worth of poetry, writings, drawings.  Everything that helped describe me was thrown into a fire and burned.   And at the time I was brainwashed to believe that it was some sort of sick cleansing.  I wish that I had a fraction of those pieces of me.  They helped me to relate my world.  I always carried some type of journal around to help me capture what was on my mind.

Guilt.  Man, I learned from a master how to find guilt and let it drive me to fit into that perfect cookie-cutter mold that was being preached to me.

So here I am 10 years later and I'd like to spin this to where I sit tonight.  Where my life is at this moment.

Here are the TOP TEN CURRENT POSITIVES IN MY LIFE:

10. This Blog, My Journal (which I have a new one that I was just given over Christmas - it's so much like the ones I carried back in 'the day') and all the outlets to express myself that I've found continue to entice me to keep writing.

9.  My Job.  I actually like what I do and most days find myself thankful that I have a job that fits me pretty well.

8.  Music.  I stopped listening, playing, singing music for over two years.  I've enjoyed getting back to simply listening and finding that it can speak in such a gamut of emotions.

7.  Hiking - both solo and with The Atlanta Outdoor Club.

6.  A Faith built on something I never found in a church - most of it found in the mountains and trails in and around Georgia.  There is something so Spiritual if you listen to the whispers running through the trees.  A peace and an understanding that continues to move within me.

5.  Earl Turner, Matt Tinnell, Amy Wilkins and others who have been true friends.  Some of you have seen me in the worst parts of my life and I thank you all for traveling through those days with me!!

4.  The recent attempt to have some new type of relationship with my family.

3.  Caedmon Lee Chatham and Cambrey Elizabeth Chatham.  They may not see my face as often as I'd like, but they are such a huge part of my heart.

2.  Melissa.  (smiling!)

1.  Me.

I have found that I like me.  For such a huge part of my life I hated who I was.  Ugly.  Lacking.  But I realize that those thoughts aren't from me.  I smile and laugh more - have had people notice the difference.  I don't beat myself up as much when I screw up and I'm learning to find solace instead of stress whenever possible.  I find that I'm actually a pretty good guy, and I like that guy!

So there you have it.  A new feeling inside.  A new perspective taking the hurts from so many years and turning it around to find the positive.