one second...

if…

you only had one second.

and in the moment had to choose

between the life you’ve lived up to now

or something different and new

would you look at all you’ve done here

all the smiles you’ve given out

or would the past you had to dwell on

be one filled with hurt and doubt

in that moment’s swift decision

would it be filled with all you ‘should’

or would you have trouble finding heartache

with a life filled with uncommon good

not that we live in just one second

but if each second was added to the next

would the life we lived from this second on

be one of the truly best?

could we change the world without some movement

without raising banners or fighting for a cause

in that second, after second

the whole world rise up in song

to find the deeper meaning

in a word, a hug, a laugh

and when we reach that final second

know that we’ve lived our very best.

04/30/13

clc

Choose the BEST of me

We all have a choice.

"There is still good in Him" is echoed by both Luke Skywalker and his mother, Padme at different points in the Star Wars saga.

We all have parts of us that are dark.  Parts of us that are light.

It's really in the choice.

NOT just a choice made by masked super heroes and villains.  The best part of me always is in stark contrast to me at my worst.  And I alone get to make that choice.  DAILY.  I can be that good man that truly wants to make a difference in this world, or I can be less than that.  A man consumed with only himself and unwilling to be anything more at all. 

I've walked through the days of allowing my worst to rise and guide my steps.  It is just like the cave that Luke goes in to find Vader/Himself.  It took finally facing my own personal dark side that allowed me to know more of WHO I truly am and decide.

I want to be the BEST of me.

Not sure exactly what that totally entails, but I'm learning it.  And stumbling at times to fully embrace it.  One day I hope to look back and see that the days I have here are snapshots of the BEST.

There will be times that I fail.  Times that I just don't give a damn.  But those decrease as the moments I choose to find a purpose and a meaning continue to rise to the forefront.  

"There is Good in Him"

Picket Fences

See them everywhere...

Fences surround our houses, gardens, schools, parks.  They form a firm barrier and boundary to mark property lines.  I've owned a house with one of those pretty white picket fences around it.

They can keep others out or guard the 'riches' that lay just inside

And the sign says anyone caught trespassing, will be shot on sight

so I jumped the fence and yelled at the house, what gives you the right

to put up a fence to keep me out, or to keep mother nature in

if God was here he'd tell it to your face, Man your some type of sinner

Those physical fences that I've come up against can be based upon race, social status, club membership or just a desire to be alone.  These bother me at times, but the fences that I fear more are the ones that I find right inside my heart.

When I'm scared, the gate to my fence starts to close quickly.  I don't want to be open and unguarded when my spirit seems to feel under attack.  That fence that I've spent so much time erecting and fortifying has a purpose that isn't decoration.  I have used it over the years to try and hide behind.  To keep out everything from my pains, my family to God himself.  I still can retreat there when I'm wounded.  

But the wall....I mean fence that I've built isn't quite the same as it was many years ago.  Hell, even last year it looked so different.

When I first started hiding myself it was a STRONGHOLD.  An all encompassing structure that had no windows, no crevices that could be even permeated by light.  It was to protect a fragile little boy.  That fence and all that it was about stood too long.  But it eventually came down and was replaced by one of those 8 foot privacy fences, with barbed wire around the top and vicious attack dogs patrolling the perimeter.  

As I've moved forward in life, I'm so glad that my fence has evolved.  Oh, still get really scared at times and retreat.  But it's behind this small, white picket fence that doesn't hide me from the world or attempt to keep me from LIVING.  It is a place of refuge.  A place where I know that I'm ok to go for just a bit.  To rest and regroup.  To breathe a DEEP breath and know that God is looking down on me and smiling.

Child in a Corner...

It's the image of a child balled up in a corner of a dark room.  Like one of those gothic, psychological thrillers with a young tortured soul pulled away from anything that we might consider normal or healthy.

Something terrible has happened or is happening, but all we see is this young boy with his knees to his chest, arms wrapped around his legs - shaking and moving back and forth.  Fear isn't a strong enough word.  Frightened won't come close to describing the torment inside.

But is this reality?

And then the view pulls back to reveal that all this is stirring in the mind of an adult male.  It's the past - that's where that terrible thing happened.  The little boy that still can't always face the battles that wage everyday still runs.  Still hides.  Still needs time to heal.

Back to the image.

Now the boy stops sobbing.  The YEARS of lying dormant in the fetal position are done.  It's one of the hardest wars fought.  The war with what rips and tears at our spirit inside.  Some succumb to it.  Some can't find peace, ever.  Some are destined to be paralyzed by anything that reminds them of this past.

He just can't keep living, if you call it living, this way.  

There is light coming from under the door.  The noises that drove him to hide have ceased.  His knees, arms and legs are sore from staying so long in such an unhealthy position.  Carefully he stands and takes a step.  The movement is more than a boy moving to the light.  It's the adult man's thoughts moving from hidden deep inside to the spoken word.  To telling someone his hurts.  His need to find others that understand and will listen.  To not isolate and slowly wither away, but to Commune with those who 'get it' and to LIVE.

I am that man.  I still find myself wanting to hide from the hurts.  I found that this morning.  I was struck by something that could have paralyzed me, but I was able to look to someone I care about and just tell them.  To talk and to find solace in the sharing.

There are times when we need someone else to be a catalyst to this.  To help us pull from the darkness.  Kind of like when Patrick Swazye comes into the last scene of Dirty Dancing.... "Nobody puts Baby in a corner."  Ok, that may be pushing it a little.  LOL!

I'm learning that there is a desire in me to help others who struggle with these hurts.  I don't in any way mean to start playing God.  That is the one source that I know conquers all of the fears that indwell, but I am considering how to be part of some help for those who have had similar struggles.  Who knows?!  

I don't want to see the hurt continue when I know that there is so much good out there to hold on to.

Maybe I can be a catalyst to others to 'come out of the corner'.

Higher Heights

There are places on this planet that man was never meant to touch.  Vistas that rise above the clouds.  Deep recesses where only lost ships go to die.  Our eyes and hearts long for these places when we see the pictures or hear the descriptions.  But I don’t think they were meant for everyone.  

Everest?  Well it takes a special kind of determination, spirit and insanity to take on such a climb.  And there are those who have reached the zenith of these places.  But only a handful.

What does this mean?  Maybe we’re to savor the views we have.  Still strive for more and greater heights, but realize that we can be content in knowing the places we’ve climbed.  I drive over to Dahlonega in north Georgia every week.  When I crest the hill going into the town, there is this wall of beauty.  The mountains that sit as a backdrop to this small town.  I am still just as amazed in the view as I was when I first realized it. 

I may not reach the top of each of these, but I know I’ve placed my feet on the summit of at least 4.  Maybe God just wants me to know that there’s always more out there.  Something to continue to press on and find.

Those places that my feet may not touch are still there.  I hope that they remain as unscathed as possible.  That the men and women who do climb their heights are those with determination and perseverance.  I hope to be one of these.

To traverse a little more of what’s in front of me.

I have fought the good fight.  I have finished the race.  I have kept the faith.
2 Timothy 4:7

It isn't an easy thought.  To face the demons of our pasts.
Those thoughts and memories can come over you with such a stranglehold that all that is good and positive is overshadowed and pushed aside.

And it can be in an instant.  One moment things seem to be going well and then something triggers the darkness...

I haven't read all the details of Rick Warren's son's death.  I only now that what I've read and heard resonates something deep within me.

I shouldn't be here right now.   I faced the gallows of my own darkness several years ago and was given a reprieve that I didn't deserve.

I've been told by some that suicide is a selfish act.  And to an extent I understand that.  But when you stand facing the demons that come at you so UNMERCIFULLY - attacking every sane notion or thought - there is only a realization that few will truly understand.  Even less of those who understand are still here.

I cried for this tortured soul.  There is a part of me that yearns to have come up alongside him and tell him that there is hope.  That there is something that is better.  That there is faith still left in this world.

I don't know if this would have even helped, but if you have those who struggle around you - surround them with LOVE.  Show them that they are beautiful and cherished.  Hold them and tell them 'we are all flawed and it's ok'.

Each day is a chance to keep moving forward.  I find my worst days as gifts that I need to be thankful for.  I've taken each day as a chance to move toward something better in this life.  I fight through my hard days and relish the simple joys in each and every day.

And the fight isn't as hard.  The race not as long when you can simply say that you have Faith.

Made 2 LOVE

If I'm created in God's Image, then He purposely made me to be a replica - a very poor replica of who He is.

The God I have come to embrace and know, especially in the last couple of years as I've reevaluated my beliefs, is full of Love.  Understanding.  Wisdom.  Mercy.  Grace.

It suddenly made sense today.  I have one true mission here.

I was made to Love.

Everything that I am and want to be revolves around that.  

"Love the Lord with all your heart, soul, strength and mind.  Love your neighbor as yourself."

Pretty simple.  LOVE GOD.  LOVE OTHERS.

I work and do a good job.  I have goals and things I'd like to accomplish, but at the end of the day I don't want to be there with no one that I can truly share my life with.  It's not about finding just anyone who'll be there.  It's a life filled with letting those who I truly care about know how much I love them.  It's also about letting God know that I love Him.

There is a scene at the end of the Kevin Costner movie "For Love of the Game".  Costner plays a Major League pitcher who is at the very end of his career.  The movie starts at the beginning of what would become his last game to pitch.  Flashbacks tell of the one great love that he found, lost and then realized how precious it was.  He ends the game with no one there.  His last great accomplishment.  And no one to share it with.

He's older.  His life has become the great Flashback, with no real substance left in the end.

I don't want that.  I want my kids to know I love them.  I want my friends to know that I love them.  My family.  Maybe someone special.

I was built this way.  I want to show my love.  To tell you.  To let you know that you are important to me - those of you who are close to me.

It may be the life's work that I have been striving for my whole life.

I was Made 2 <3

...............to be heard

I was silent for too long.

then I found a voice.  not my own voice, but one that I adopted to use.

was like speaking through someone else.  myself hidden behind.

I became open, but only open to a certain extent.

Years later I learned to speak.

Not with clarity or with confidence, but it was my voice...

...as I learned how to communicate, I found that I talked and talked.
somewhat overwhelming at times.

I'm learning to be me now.  with my own voice.

I still want to be heard, but I don't want it to just be anyone that I trust with my thoughts.

So if I talk to you now, it's something.  still somewhat overwhelming at times, 

but it means that I trust.