FEAR

If you live in fear.  You live by FEAR.

I've lived that way.  And honestly it's something that I first learned from the religion that I was raised in.  The religion I knew early on was tainted.  I knew that the people that practiced it were good people, but there was also the judgements and human element that leaned more toward doing things because you should 'fear' the consequences.   It also came from having to hide things from my childhood.  Fear of the past.

But that same fear bled through to my life.  When it came time to build relationships, they were rooted in expectations and consequences.  Not love or acceptance.

Some would say that I'm lashing out at the 'church'.  I'm really not.  This is my perspective.  You have to decide if you agree or not.

I know that all of my relational decisions up until recently had strands that led back to the religion that I was told to believe.  Yes, TOLD to believe.  It wasn't until recently that I felt I had a choice in my beliefs.  Really?!  I'm 41 and I'm finally realizing that I have a choice.  Hmmm.  Something doesn't sound quite right with that.   But that's a blog for another day....

So as I started dating in high school, college - it was fear based.  Fear that I had to fit some mold or some design to have someone truly love me.  Well I will tell you were that has gotten me.  Two very bad marriages.  A lot of heartache and some pretty long nights questioning why I always failed.  

But now I'm at a much different place.  And the person who I love is having to see me working through these misconceptions and untruths.  I'm still breaking down walls of fear and uncertainty.  Tonight has been quite a struggle with that.  But as I have told myself... one step at a time.

I'm still raw at times with my emotions when it comes to this.  I don't know what to do with the junk at times other than to share it with those I trust and move through it.  I'm not going to just push it aside.  It has to be dealt with.

My trust and hope has grown, and I'm seeing the fear subside.  It's a slow process at times, but I know that it will be worth it.

Tonight may be hard, but tomorrow, well that's another day!