Parallels...

The similarities are striking at times.  The paths that follow such a familiar course.  The echoes of my own life... but not my life.

I am who I am today because of the many paths that I've taken.  The direction hasn't always been clear, but as I look back, I see how it brought me to the place I sit at right now.

There is joy in knowing all that I've done to climb the mountain.

There is sadness at some of the valleys I've prevailed through.

As I'm looking back for a moment, I see a path just behind me that seems to run along the same lines.  It is an incomplete path, but one that followed mine without me even knowing it was there.

There are people that we resonate with.  Some are family.  My brother and I shared a very similar path growing up, only to go on two very distinct tangents as we left the safe confines of the University and sought out our own lives away from family and the structure of the church.  My best friend followed a path that only mirrored mine in light brush strokes, but now is more like what I was once on - teaching and communicating with students.

I don't know where this alien path originally came from, and there are places where it doesn't even come close to mine.  But we come to these crossroads and if I take a moment now and reflect, I see the traces of someone else who lived through the destruction.  Through the silence that was forced upon him for years.

I wish I could show him the MANY, MANY others who I've met that let me know that I wasn't alone in this journey.  Once I felt like I was the only one who carried this ugly burden.  Then I met others who's parallels were comforting even in their pain.

The lines seem like they've grown.  They are beside me - some ahead in the journey - some mirroring my own closely.  And there are many that just stop.

I'm crying right now for those.  If they only knew that there were others to reach out to.  That this life isn't meant to be lived alone.  That we need others to help us to stand at times.  Not to carry us, but to help us know that there is light ahead.

I'm about to get over to Stone Mountain.  I need to get to the top and unload some of my own struggles.  

It's a place I have found peace at many times over.

And it's where I met a person who had some parallels in her life as well...

WEEDS

I've always wanted the love story.

It has been the one thing that has driven me for most of my life.

But there is a difference between romance and love.  Between those first moments of infatuation and lust to the true deeper devotion and dedication to another person that comes from a lifetime.

The poet in me thrives on romance and the thought of the magic that comes from someone who just messes with your insides and lights you on fire.  And that fire won't die within me, the desire to still light the night with the love shared with someone so special.  It is a part of the makeup of who I am.  I’ve always known this – just never experienced it.

But…

The realist in me knows that there is so much more than just these moments.  There are times when it's hard. There are times when you're sick, where you're aching - when one if you is hurting.  There are times where all the reservoirs inside you that have been so full at times are drained to almost empty.  I've seen many people walk away at these moments.  I've actually been a in a relationship that it ended because there wasn’t anything to hold on to - because it wasn't true.

Decision is really this,  do you want just a small flame that flickers out with the first blow of the wind, or a raging, burning fire the can't be put out no matter how much the forces around you blow on it, trying to just vanquish it.

I found the love that I've always wanted.  I’ve documented it here on this blog and on Facebook and so many other ways.  I'm sure that some of you out there may even get tired of seeing the pictures and the comments.  But I don't care!

I find myself quiet today.  Not wanting to say too much, because I just know that I’m tired – that I’m drained.  In these moments,  I want to be the devoted man and soon-to-be husband.  My insides may be running low, but that doesn't take away how I feel and what I desire - what I want with the person that I love.

It's funny, I know spring is almost here, and I was outside yesterday working on weeds.  Have to keep taking care of the things that matter to you. You can't let them go, and you can't let them just not be seen or heard.  If you love someone, let them know.  Just let them know your heart and let them know that you care about them and that you will be there for them.

The weeds that I've been pulling have such a small root and come out quickly and easily - just takes a little time on your hands and knees, and then putting down something to keep them from coming back once they wither away.  Inside my heart there's something much deeper.  It's more like the roots of a large oak that spread on the ground below our feet that can't be seen. It's still growing and it's still really young, but I know that there is something truly deep there that is just waiting to build deep, deep roots and bloom.

a Life with You

“What does that mean to you?” she asked.

thought about this a good bit today...

Sitting and listening through tears, as we walk through learning and understanding. 

Holding hands.  A kiss at night, sometimes under a blanket of stars. 

Hope.  The first time I’ve felt that in years.

Waking each morning to her face.  And falling asleep beside her.  Listening to the rise and fall of her breath in my ear…

Knowing.  Beyond any doubt that all the waiting and praying was worth it.

A devotion to a person, proven over time, but known deep in the heart from the beginning.

That’s just a little of what a ‘life with you’ means to me.

Happy Valentine’s Day Jenelle!

2/14/14

Chad

SAFE

“Safety is a funny word.  We take it and use it, but often the places we deem ‘safe’ are full of lies.  They don’t keep us safe, only hidden.  They don’t protect us from anything except the truth.  The safety that I thought I had found was really just a cave that I pulled my heart and my mind into to escape.  It began with simple fantasies, but would grow to be this whole other world where NO ONE COULD EVER MAKE ME FEEL THAT WAY AGAIN.  I was safe there.  My own Fortress of Solitude.  And it was great…

…until the walls cracked.  And it all went away.”

- from Chapter 1: Bound

I’m going back through it all again.  Not as a vivid reminder of the pain.  But as a way of continuing to gain understanding and move forward.  It’s hard, but it is the one thing that allows some of the residual pain to be shed and new memories take their place.

I don’t want to hide.  We as a society are very good at hiding.  Hiding from the truth.

There is a truth that can be leveling to your spirit.  But the only way to live is to face the truth.  Embrace even the dark parts of it and moving into the morning.  That’s the really cool part of life.  We have the opportunity to start fresh every 24 hours.  With the waking sun comes a new horizon.  A clean slate in some ways.

So this morning I’m iced in with most of Atlanta.  I’m sitting beside this gorgeous lady, watching TV and thinking of the things that have given me hope and purpose in the last several years. 

A new day.

Looking Up

I looked at her, eye to eye.  And I knew.

I wanted more with her from the night we sat and talked under the stars.  She took my breath away.  I found her pain to be part of me.  Her joys were ones I wanted to share.  I looked into her eyes and saw something...

...maybe...

...my future.

So fast forward.  Seven months later and it hasn't changed.  Well, that's not entirely true.  I find that in everything - the tears we've both shared, the things that have already challenged and asked more of us - I find my heart still growing WITH her!

I'm not "home" tonight.  Whenever she's away I know that part of me is resting somewhere else.  But my love, this lady that I want to find solace with is still resonating inside me.  I'll be 'home' when we're both back together.  

I'm so aware of the impact this has had on my life.  I am still growing into letting one other person really and truly get to know me.  FAULTS and ALL!  I have been a nomad, a wanderer through most of my life.  I sought something concrete and real, but couldn't let my own pain be seen by anyone.  

So I heard her voice on the line.  It was late the next night, and we talked throughout the night.  

I am still realizing that there is a better place.  This place where my heart wants to, and can finally start to let go - to not worry and doubt.  And I'm sitting writing.  My voice is being heard - even though it's strained from years of misuse.

So I'm looking up.

And loving the view!