Paint Blue the Air (Writing it out)
Cower in the corner
The night still full of horrors of
What did I do wrong?
Don't understand, this is what I would become
A man plagued with uncertainty
Unleashed demons, that I didn't breed
From someone else's demented soul
Now I get the gift of never being whole
Child of 5, 6 and 7
Knew much more of hell than any real heaven
Though no one else knew anything happened
"Remember, this is our secret"
Just a 'normal' boys world
At least it's all I knew, how could I ever tell?
Tainted right from the beginning
Though for a long time I forgot remembering
Cause it just didn't seem everything was right
I was growing, learning, figuring wrong from right
So instead of words, I found the silence
In keeping secrets, built my own solace
In places no one could touch, deep inside my mind
Where no man, no one would ever find
But my lust, my young hungerings
Played out into dressing on top of teenage dreams
The young man who went to church
Was possessed of feelings that would make many burn
And that's the way I learned survival
Bare essentials to protect and hide from
The good, the bad, the holy and hell
You'd never know how much I felt I'd failed
Miserable, but inside there's something
I found that no scar could ever keep me
From looking at the skies above
Thought of heaven, rock-n-roll and love
This kid dared to dream beyond this planet
And the shadows that I wouldn't dare let
Keep me from something more
(Though most days it was just waking, getting out the door)
Then fear came back.
Right in front of me. He stood. Like an attack.
And to him, it was like nothing had happened,
Hell, I'd never ratted him out, kept his 'secret'
Maybe twenty years might heal some wounds
But that day, it was all back, too, too soon.
I didn't flinch, instead I kept my composure
And in that greeting, no one noticed
The little explosions going off inside my head
Slowly crippling my emotions, wished I was dead
The place I kept those secrets
was the only retreat I could find quickly
And I went there, hoping to never come out
And for a few years, I even thought I'd found
New life, new passions, revival
But it's never gone. There's always a little pain.
Once you face it, with faith that you can stand
Those tears still flow, some days hard as rain
Shudder like thunder, find lightning in your veins
But the storms pass...
And life flows again.
I don't know where he is, nor do I really care
There was a time I wanted nothing more, than to make the world aware
But even though I hate him, as the child who didn't have a choice
I no longer want to destroy him, but I'd like him to hear this voice...
"I am no better or worse than you. I am just as broken.
I just wish you knew all the years you've taken, stolen.
I'll answer for my sins one day soon.
You will too."
When I cower in that corner, when night hits hard and I fail.
I still may cry, retreat inside, sometimes weep and wail.
But I have the right to get up. Leave that 'me' behind.
Find peace in better moments, know I'm not losing my mind.
Sunrise comes, even though there was a day I didn't care...
I don't chose the clouds to break, vanquish night or paint blue the air.
I just find those simple moments to laugh (yes) and breathe.
The past is what it is, the days ahead are up to me.
6/7/17
clc