There is a place where our dark parts reside. Whether it be depression that binds, or it be anxiety. Fear or racism. Hate. Misery. Loneliness. Each of us has that place. Some may find it a place of refuge, as I find when the darkness of depression takes hold. But it isn’t a good or happy place. Some of you may read this and have no clue what I am alluding to. But it is there. We weren’t built perfect. We are all flawed. We do, however, have a choice.
Last week I found myself struck with loss. And even though I’ve been trained how to fight back, to deal healthily with my own issues, I succumbed to my depression. I found myself alone and withdrawn for several days. From having to let go of a little boy who brings so much joy, to dealing with living in the shadows of a relationship built on lies and fairy tales, I withdrew.
And after really fighting, hell, that’s not true – after deciding TO FIGHT, I started to pull myself up from the muck. So here are my truths. I suffer with mental illness. I’m not scared to say that in an open forum. All the years of hiding it made me think I was alone. I know now that I’m not alone. There are many of us out there. Am I crazy? Who isn’t ;-) But I have decided over and over again to live. To breathe. And on those worst days, to still believe in something more.
I’ve heard the phrases “Pray”, “Give it to God”, all throughout my life. And I need to address that. See, I have taken my pain, my suffering to my place of faith. I have found it a relief to know that I am still accepted by my God even with the hurts. But it doesn’t go away. And it’s scriptural. “I was given a thorn in my flesh”. I am no less or more because I struggle. I am me. Here. I don’t need drastic changes. I am not proud of finding myself back in my hurts and anguish, but it is part of me. “For when I am weak, then I am strong.” (2 Corinthians)
And to help me along the way, there have been many to come along. I want to thank a few of you. Not by name, but you’ll know who you are…
To my crazy ass best friend, you don’t realize how much you make me believe in something better. By just being you. I am so appreciative of the fact that I heckled you on top of blood mountain for trying to light a fire in the rain 5 years ago. Where would I be without you man?!
And to his wife – thank you for accepting the dynamic between us. And for becoming such a good friend at the same time. You balance him out, and he needs you!
To all the other friends that have been there…
To my aunts. Both of you, in your own ways have been so much a part of keeping me in ‘the family’. I am thankful for prayers, for cute texts, for just reminding me that it’s actually ok to be a ‘Martin’.
And to David. Your words on what the church truly is, and the honest understanding that I heard from you about ME. That has stuck with me ever since that afternoon in your driveway. THANK YOU!!
To all the medical people, those who guided me along the way. You gave me the right path, and helped me see even when I couldn’t myself. Especially to my doctor, who was so critical in my finding help again. I think you may have saved my life, and given so much help in all of the recent transitions.
To new people that have come into my life. So many good, solid people. Thank you!
To Red hair and Northern Drives.
So when I succumb, I realize that it’s just a blip. I’m not the man I was. I am the man I am. I don’t fear the dark days. I am learning to admit them. I take each moment and find the peace, the joy, the love I can find and continue to fill my life with those.
If you struggle, know that you’re never alone. There those who want to help. Reach out. Help may come in ways you never expected or thought possible.
Don’t simply succumb. Learn to live.
And if you need to talk, no matter who you are… I am here.
Peace,
Chad
Monday, June 25, 2018
Friday, June 22, 2018
Brevity
Life is short. Fleeting.
If you blink, you might miss it. It might come right in front of your eyes and without even knowing, you might miss the opportunity that has been given to you.
That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t wait for the good things. But sometimes we miss many of the opportunities along the way because we don’t take time when they present themselves.
Life is pretty short.
- - - - -
His name was Frank.
I don’t know him other than a brief encounter. He has ALS. If you don’t know what that is, it sometimes referred to as Lou Gehrig’s disease. It takes your voice, your motor skills, it takes your life.
Frank was out walking his two dogs. He’s silver haired and has a huge smile. Unfortunately, my first experience with Frank was seeing him fall. From across the lake where we were sitting, I saw him tumble and fall hard onto the rough trail. I ran. Harder than I’ve ran in a long time. I saw him try to get back up and fall again.
By the time we reached him, he was unstable, but still fighting to stand. He wanted to get up. To keep walking. But with the back of his head cut and bleeding from the fall, and his instability, we forced him to stop, to collect himself and to sit. He couldn’t speak, and we had to communicate through rough sign language and him typing messages on his phone. He still wants to live. Even with this fall, he just wanted to be able to be free and to walk. To be as normal as possible. His eyes told me that.
We walked him to his house, which was just down the trail. We found some neighbors and were able to get him into the hands of people who knew him. Reluctantly we walked away.
I doubt I will ever see Frank again. I feel confident that he’s ok. But he left his mark on me. Even fighting a debilitating disease, he just wanted to take his dogs for a walk. To be normal. To live.
And so I’m here. Amidst my own struggles, I want to continue to breathe, to walk. To find those who bring me life and joy. To fill my days with as much of the energy Frank showed in those brief moments.
Brevity.
It’s gone before we’ve even really lived if we’re not careful.
"Life Moves Pretty Fast" CLICK TO SEE
If you blink, you might miss it. It might come right in front of your eyes and without even knowing, you might miss the opportunity that has been given to you.
That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t wait for the good things. But sometimes we miss many of the opportunities along the way because we don’t take time when they present themselves.
Life is pretty short.
- - - - -
His name was Frank.
I don’t know him other than a brief encounter. He has ALS. If you don’t know what that is, it sometimes referred to as Lou Gehrig’s disease. It takes your voice, your motor skills, it takes your life.
Frank was out walking his two dogs. He’s silver haired and has a huge smile. Unfortunately, my first experience with Frank was seeing him fall. From across the lake where we were sitting, I saw him tumble and fall hard onto the rough trail. I ran. Harder than I’ve ran in a long time. I saw him try to get back up and fall again.
By the time we reached him, he was unstable, but still fighting to stand. He wanted to get up. To keep walking. But with the back of his head cut and bleeding from the fall, and his instability, we forced him to stop, to collect himself and to sit. He couldn’t speak, and we had to communicate through rough sign language and him typing messages on his phone. He still wants to live. Even with this fall, he just wanted to be able to be free and to walk. To be as normal as possible. His eyes told me that.
We walked him to his house, which was just down the trail. We found some neighbors and were able to get him into the hands of people who knew him. Reluctantly we walked away.
I doubt I will ever see Frank again. I feel confident that he’s ok. But he left his mark on me. Even fighting a debilitating disease, he just wanted to take his dogs for a walk. To be normal. To live.
And so I’m here. Amidst my own struggles, I want to continue to breathe, to walk. To find those who bring me life and joy. To fill my days with as much of the energy Frank showed in those brief moments.
Brevity.
It’s gone before we’ve even really lived if we’re not careful.
"Life Moves Pretty Fast" CLICK TO SEE
Saturday, June 16, 2018
Thomas Brown
In my life there have been many men come through that have been good, solid role models. Fathers, brothers, friends. But there is one that seems to stand out this weekend. I knew him as thin, tallish church-rat with a nasty outside shot. Competitive, with the desire to play baseball, basketball, even backyard wrestling. He was raised alongside a group of boys that will always be near to my heart. And many have proved themselves as men and as fathers (and step-fathers – Sammy). But this one, well he stands out. He’s someone I’d like to know again, someone I can respect.
My memory fades back to the day my own father was leaving the church we grew up in to move to middle Georgia to pastor his first church. There was the typical ‘Baptist’ line of people there to say their well-wishes and goodbyes. It was emotional for my parents. It should have been emotional for me. But I was like a rock until he came up. We were both removed from adolescence and in our young adult life. He hugged me. Called me ‘brother’. And then the dam broke. It was one of the most emotional moments of loss I had experienced up until that time. Only losing my grandmother surpassed it.
I also remember a young, dark-haired girl who walked into the youth group and pretty much changed his world. They’ve been together for a long time, and I pray they’ll continue to be just who they are. I’m not close to them, but they are one of those really ‘sick couples’ who have made it work. And I say that out of a place of deep respect and admiration. I’ve seen the faces of their kids and I can just tell. They get it. They aren’t perfect, but I know that deep down they care about what really matters. Faith. Family.
So how fitting now, as I have recently put myself back out on the “Book of Face”, I see the picture Misty put up. He’s a grown man, a father. And as I read her post I know that the words are true.
“You’re a good man, Thomas Brown.”
I’d love to reconnect. Let’s grab lunch.
Chad
My memory fades back to the day my own father was leaving the church we grew up in to move to middle Georgia to pastor his first church. There was the typical ‘Baptist’ line of people there to say their well-wishes and goodbyes. It was emotional for my parents. It should have been emotional for me. But I was like a rock until he came up. We were both removed from adolescence and in our young adult life. He hugged me. Called me ‘brother’. And then the dam broke. It was one of the most emotional moments of loss I had experienced up until that time. Only losing my grandmother surpassed it.
I also remember a young, dark-haired girl who walked into the youth group and pretty much changed his world. They’ve been together for a long time, and I pray they’ll continue to be just who they are. I’m not close to them, but they are one of those really ‘sick couples’ who have made it work. And I say that out of a place of deep respect and admiration. I’ve seen the faces of their kids and I can just tell. They get it. They aren’t perfect, but I know that deep down they care about what really matters. Faith. Family.
So how fitting now, as I have recently put myself back out on the “Book of Face”, I see the picture Misty put up. He’s a grown man, a father. And as I read her post I know that the words are true.
“You’re a good man, Thomas Brown.”
I’d love to reconnect. Let’s grab lunch.
Chad
Wednesday, June 13, 2018
Wheels
“I know what you're thinkin'
We were goin' down
I can feel the sinkin'
But then I came around
And everyone I've loved before
Flashed before my eyes
And nothin' mattered anymore
I looked into the sky
Well I wanted something better man
I wished for something new
And I wanted something beautiful
And wish for something true
Been lookin' for a reason man
Something to lose
When the wheels come down…”
~ Wheels, Foo Fighters
The wheels spin. Sometime on purpose, with direction and purpose. Other times they spin, and spin, and spin. “I can feel the sinkin’”. How damn appropriate. The wheels get stuck in the mud and I’m just holding on until they either free themselves or I finally give up and reach out for some help. Reaching out, yeah that’s what I’ll do. Ha! If you’ve met me you know how that’s NOT gonna happen.
So I’m failing. In the shadow of Father’s Day, I’m spinning and trying to direct, to give some purpose, hell, just love. But I look at the three sets of eyes that look to me and feel the sting of regret. Not lingering there often, but today I see clearly where in my life I’ve let them down. And also the other places that I see my defeats. I’m not licking my wounds. I’m just stating fact, from my perspective.
I’ve failed as a father.
Failed as a husband.
Failed many times as a friend.
Failed each and every day, though I’m not dare going to try and count the times.
I fail.
And each of my own internal battles, each moment that I face my own demons and they point out all the things I have done wrong, are times when I can either bury my head in the sand or I can ‘wish for something new’. ‘Wish for something true’. The wheels aren’t going to stop spinning. They do their job. They take me to incredible places. Views in the mountains like Pretty Place (see facebook). People that fill my heart and life with good.
But they also spin recklessly out of control when they can’t get traction. They push me dangerously back into my depression and burn rubber! And I HOLD ON for dear life! So below are the things that I have found today that I am thankful for and also concerned about. Good, Bad or Ugly, they are a huge part of the fabric of me.
My Wheels:
I love my kids. They are all special in many ways. But do I ever truly give them enough? I can blame ex’s or the situation, but that doesn’t really matter. Do I step up and be the dad they truly need? This one has beaten me up and down this morning. And as I spent a long time over the last two days trying to give the oldest some much needed direction, I realized that I’ll never be the typical dad. But I will be what I can.
I would rather eat Ramen noodles, bread and water than ever reach out when things get tight at my house. I am not proud, just GD stubborn. I don’t need much, but I struggle with making a better life for all of us. I get up every day now with more life about me than during most of the last eight years. I am TRULY thankful for this. It’s a decision I will never regret. I chose life over slowly dying in a job that sucked everything out of me. But I also chose to have less. To take the strain of balancing a life lived well over 1200 miles a week of misery.
I still have anger. Deep anger that I’ve never known. I have worked out much of this, but on days when my wheels spin, I still HATE her. All that she did to me, but more that I allowed for so long to be in that situation. This anger rivals the anger that I have held, dealt with and am almost ready to release for Lee. But when it spikes I feel the burn, the heat of my pain.
I am thankful that there is a God. And whatever your interpretation, I know for me there is Spirit, there is Hope, there is More. But it’s probably unlike most of the youth I grew up with at Glen Forest Baptist. Different from my parents or family. But rooted, strong and SURE. What I struggle with is when I face those who can’t see that there is choice. No matter your convictions, they remain just that – your convictions. I have my own. And they are good, strong and right. Because they’re mine!
And how do I better show that I am fallen without letting it get me in a rut? I am a fallen, broken creature. But I recognize that we all are. So maybe, just maybe I’m not alone.
‘And nothin’ mattered anymore
I looked into the sky…’
So I’ve prayed. Deep and guttural. With some strange sensation of opening up a dark place that’s been closed off for a long, long time. Prayed on a mountain. Prayed while holding on to a faith that has been formed in the midst of a pretty crappy life (Yet the stubborn me is still slightly hesitant to fully give in). Prayed with someone.
And I’m hopeful that amidst the chaos of the wheels spinning inside my head, that there is someone out there listening.
‘Well I wanted something better man
I wished for something new
And I wanted something beautiful
And wish for something true
Been lookin' for a reason man
Something to lose’
The wheels will be spinning until I’m dead. Thoughts and emotions are such a part of who I am. But as they finally find traction, find the road, I start to find purpose again. And in living this life there is sacrifice and a sense of loss as much as there is joy and laughter. You can’t live life without realizing that we are all temporal here. Those we love will pass, walk away, hurt us, and I’ll never regret that part of the journey. I have continued to give me to those I care about. Though I often fail them all, they are continually in my thoughts, my heart.
‘When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down)
When the wheels touch ground (When the wheels touch ground)
And you feel like it's all over
There's another round for you
When the wheels come down…’
Wheels - VIDEO
https://youtu.be/GfNeeKrMJi8
We were goin' down
I can feel the sinkin'
But then I came around
And everyone I've loved before
Flashed before my eyes
And nothin' mattered anymore
I looked into the sky
Well I wanted something better man
I wished for something new
And I wanted something beautiful
And wish for something true
Been lookin' for a reason man
Something to lose
When the wheels come down…”
~ Wheels, Foo Fighters
The wheels spin. Sometime on purpose, with direction and purpose. Other times they spin, and spin, and spin. “I can feel the sinkin’”. How damn appropriate. The wheels get stuck in the mud and I’m just holding on until they either free themselves or I finally give up and reach out for some help. Reaching out, yeah that’s what I’ll do. Ha! If you’ve met me you know how that’s NOT gonna happen.
So I’m failing. In the shadow of Father’s Day, I’m spinning and trying to direct, to give some purpose, hell, just love. But I look at the three sets of eyes that look to me and feel the sting of regret. Not lingering there often, but today I see clearly where in my life I’ve let them down. And also the other places that I see my defeats. I’m not licking my wounds. I’m just stating fact, from my perspective.
I’ve failed as a father.
Failed as a husband.
Failed many times as a friend.
Failed each and every day, though I’m not dare going to try and count the times.
I fail.
And each of my own internal battles, each moment that I face my own demons and they point out all the things I have done wrong, are times when I can either bury my head in the sand or I can ‘wish for something new’. ‘Wish for something true’. The wheels aren’t going to stop spinning. They do their job. They take me to incredible places. Views in the mountains like Pretty Place (see facebook). People that fill my heart and life with good.
But they also spin recklessly out of control when they can’t get traction. They push me dangerously back into my depression and burn rubber! And I HOLD ON for dear life! So below are the things that I have found today that I am thankful for and also concerned about. Good, Bad or Ugly, they are a huge part of the fabric of me.
My Wheels:
I love my kids. They are all special in many ways. But do I ever truly give them enough? I can blame ex’s or the situation, but that doesn’t really matter. Do I step up and be the dad they truly need? This one has beaten me up and down this morning. And as I spent a long time over the last two days trying to give the oldest some much needed direction, I realized that I’ll never be the typical dad. But I will be what I can.
I would rather eat Ramen noodles, bread and water than ever reach out when things get tight at my house. I am not proud, just GD stubborn. I don’t need much, but I struggle with making a better life for all of us. I get up every day now with more life about me than during most of the last eight years. I am TRULY thankful for this. It’s a decision I will never regret. I chose life over slowly dying in a job that sucked everything out of me. But I also chose to have less. To take the strain of balancing a life lived well over 1200 miles a week of misery.
I still have anger. Deep anger that I’ve never known. I have worked out much of this, but on days when my wheels spin, I still HATE her. All that she did to me, but more that I allowed for so long to be in that situation. This anger rivals the anger that I have held, dealt with and am almost ready to release for Lee. But when it spikes I feel the burn, the heat of my pain.
I am thankful that there is a God. And whatever your interpretation, I know for me there is Spirit, there is Hope, there is More. But it’s probably unlike most of the youth I grew up with at Glen Forest Baptist. Different from my parents or family. But rooted, strong and SURE. What I struggle with is when I face those who can’t see that there is choice. No matter your convictions, they remain just that – your convictions. I have my own. And they are good, strong and right. Because they’re mine!
And how do I better show that I am fallen without letting it get me in a rut? I am a fallen, broken creature. But I recognize that we all are. So maybe, just maybe I’m not alone.
‘And nothin’ mattered anymore
I looked into the sky…’
So I’ve prayed. Deep and guttural. With some strange sensation of opening up a dark place that’s been closed off for a long, long time. Prayed on a mountain. Prayed while holding on to a faith that has been formed in the midst of a pretty crappy life (Yet the stubborn me is still slightly hesitant to fully give in). Prayed with someone.
And I’m hopeful that amidst the chaos of the wheels spinning inside my head, that there is someone out there listening.
‘Well I wanted something better man
I wished for something new
And I wanted something beautiful
And wish for something true
Been lookin' for a reason man
Something to lose’
The wheels will be spinning until I’m dead. Thoughts and emotions are such a part of who I am. But as they finally find traction, find the road, I start to find purpose again. And in living this life there is sacrifice and a sense of loss as much as there is joy and laughter. You can’t live life without realizing that we are all temporal here. Those we love will pass, walk away, hurt us, and I’ll never regret that part of the journey. I have continued to give me to those I care about. Though I often fail them all, they are continually in my thoughts, my heart.
‘When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down)
When the wheels touch ground (When the wheels touch ground)
And you feel like it's all over
There's another round for you
When the wheels come down…’
Wheels - VIDEO
https://youtu.be/GfNeeKrMJi8
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