Wheels

“I know what you're thinkin'
We were goin' down
I can feel the sinkin'
But then I came around

And everyone I've loved before
Flashed before my eyes
And nothin' mattered anymore
I looked into the sky

Well I wanted something better man
I wished for something new
And I wanted something beautiful
And wish for something true
Been lookin' for a reason man
Something to lose

When the wheels come down…”

~ Wheels, Foo Fighters

The wheels spin.  Sometime on purpose, with direction and purpose.  Other times they spin, and spin, and spin.  “I can feel the sinkin’”.  How damn appropriate.  The wheels get stuck in the mud and I’m just holding on until they either free themselves or I finally give up and reach out for some help.  Reaching out, yeah that’s what I’ll do.  Ha!  If you’ve met me you know how that’s NOT gonna happen.

So I’m failing.  In the shadow of Father’s Day, I’m spinning and trying to direct, to give some purpose, hell, just love.  But I look at the three sets of eyes that look to me and feel the sting of regret.  Not lingering there often, but today I see clearly where in my life I’ve let them down.  And also the other places that I see my defeats.  I’m not licking my wounds.  I’m just stating fact, from my perspective.

I’ve failed as a father.

Failed as a husband.

Failed many times as a friend.

Failed each and every day, though I’m not dare going to try and count the times.

I fail.

And each of my own internal battles, each moment that I face my own demons and they point out all the things I have done wrong, are times when I can either bury my head in the sand or I can ‘wish for something new’.  ‘Wish for something true’.  The wheels aren’t going to stop spinning.  They do their job.  They take me to incredible places.  Views in the mountains like Pretty Place (see facebook).  People that fill my heart and life with good.

But they also spin recklessly out of control when they can’t get traction.  They push me dangerously back into my depression and burn rubber!  And I HOLD ON for dear life!  So below are the things that I have found today that I am thankful for and also concerned about.  Good, Bad or Ugly, they are a huge part of the fabric of me.

My Wheels:

I love my kids.  They are all special in many ways.  But do I ever truly give them enough?  I can blame ex’s or the situation, but that doesn’t really matter.  Do I step up and be the dad they truly need?  This one has beaten me up and down this morning.  And as I spent a long time over the last two days trying to give the oldest some much needed direction, I realized that I’ll never be the typical dad.  But I will be what I can.

I would rather eat Ramen noodles, bread and water than ever reach out when things get tight at my house.  I am not proud, just GD stubborn.  I don’t need much, but I struggle with making a better life for all of us.  I get up every day now with more life about me than during most of the last eight years.  I am TRULY thankful for this.  It’s a decision I will never regret.  I chose life over slowly dying in a job that sucked everything out of me.  But I also chose to have less.  To take the strain of balancing a life lived well over 1200 miles a week of misery.

I still have anger.  Deep anger that I’ve never known.  I have worked out much of this, but on days when my wheels spin, I still HATE her.  All that she did to me, but more that I allowed for so long to be in that situation.  This anger rivals the anger that I have held, dealt with and am almost ready to release for Lee.  But when it spikes I feel the burn, the heat of my pain.

I am thankful that there is a God.  And whatever your interpretation, I know for me there is Spirit, there is Hope, there is More.  But it’s probably unlike most of the youth I grew up with at Glen Forest Baptist.  Different from my parents or family.  But rooted, strong and SURE.  What I struggle with is when I face those who can’t see that there is choice.  No matter your convictions, they remain just that – your convictions.  I have my own.  And they are good, strong and right.  Because they’re mine!

And how do I better show that I am fallen without letting it get me in a rut?  I am a fallen, broken creature.  But I recognize that we all are.  So maybe, just maybe I’m not alone.

‘And nothin’ mattered anymore
I looked into the sky…’

So I’ve prayed.  Deep and guttural.  With some strange sensation of opening up a dark place that’s been closed off for a long, long time.  Prayed on a mountain.  Prayed while holding on to a faith that has been formed in the midst of a pretty crappy life (Yet the stubborn me is still slightly hesitant to fully give in).  Prayed with someone.

And I’m hopeful that amidst the chaos of the wheels spinning inside my head, that there is someone out there listening.

‘Well I wanted something better man
I wished for something new
And I wanted something beautiful
And wish for something true
Been lookin' for a reason man
Something to lose’

The wheels will be spinning until I’m dead.  Thoughts and emotions are such a part of who I am.  But as they finally find traction, find the road, I start to find purpose again.  And in living this life there is sacrifice and a sense of loss as much as there is joy and laughter.  You can’t live life without realizing that we are all temporal here.  Those we love will pass, walk away, hurt us, and I’ll never regret that part of the journey.  I have continued to give me to those I care about.  Though I often fail them all, they are continually in my thoughts, my heart.

‘When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down)
When the wheels touch ground (When the wheels touch ground)
And you feel like it's all over
There's another round for you
When the wheels come down…’

Wheels - VIDEO
https://youtu.be/GfNeeKrMJi8