succumb

There is a place where our dark parts reside.  Whether it be depression that binds, or it be anxiety.  Fear or racism.  Hate.  Misery.  Loneliness.  Each of us has that place.  Some may find it a place of refuge, as I find when the darkness of depression takes hold.  But it isn’t a good or happy place.  Some of you may read this and have no clue what I am alluding to.  But it is there.  We weren’t built perfect.  We are all flawed.  We do, however, have a choice.

Last week I found myself struck with loss.  And even though I’ve been trained how to fight back, to deal healthily with my own issues, I succumbed to my depression.  I found myself alone and withdrawn for several days.  From having to let go of a little boy who brings so much joy, to dealing with living in the shadows of a relationship built on lies and fairy tales, I withdrew.

And after really fighting, hell, that’s not true – after deciding TO FIGHT, I started to pull myself up from the muck.  So here are my truths.  I suffer with mental illness.  I’m not scared to say that in an open forum.  All the years of hiding it made me think I was alone.  I know now that I’m not alone.  There are many of us out there.  Am I crazy?  Who isn’t ;-)  But I have decided over and over again to live.  To breathe.  And on those worst days, to still believe in something more.

I’ve heard the phrases “Pray”, “Give it to God”, all throughout my life.  And I need to address that.  See, I have taken my pain, my suffering to my place of faith.  I have found it a relief to know that I am still accepted by my God even with the hurts.  But it doesn’t go away.  And it’s scriptural.  “I was given a thorn in my flesh”.  I am no less or more because I struggle.  I am me.  Here.  I don’t need drastic changes.  I am not proud of finding myself back in my hurts and anguish, but it is part of me.  “For when I am weak, then I am strong.” (2 Corinthians)

And to help me along the way, there have been many to come along.  I want to thank a few of you.  Not by name, but you’ll know who you are…

To my crazy ass best friend, you don’t realize how much you make me believe in something better.  By just being you.  I am so appreciative of the fact that I heckled you on top of blood mountain for trying to light a fire in the rain 5 years ago.  Where would I be without you man?!

And to his wife – thank you for accepting the dynamic between us.  And for becoming such a good friend at the same time.  You balance him out, and he needs you!

To all the other friends that have been there…

To my aunts.  Both of you, in your own ways have been so much a part of keeping me in ‘the family’.  I am thankful for prayers, for cute texts, for just reminding me that it’s actually ok to be a ‘Martin’.

And to David.  Your words on what the church truly is, and the honest understanding that I heard from you about ME.  That has stuck with me ever since that afternoon in your driveway.  THANK YOU!!

To all the medical people, those who guided me along the way.  You gave me the right path, and helped me see even when I couldn’t myself.  Especially to my doctor, who was so critical in my finding help again.  I think you may have saved my life, and given so much help in all of the recent transitions.

To new people that have come into my life.  So many good, solid people.  Thank you!

To Red hair and Northern Drives.


So when I succumb, I realize that it’s just a blip.  I’m not the man I was.  I am the man I am.  I don’t fear the dark days.  I am learning to admit them.  I take each moment and find the peace, the joy, the love I can find and continue to fill my life with those.

If you struggle, know that you’re never alone.  There those who want to help.  Reach out.  Help may come in ways you never expected or thought possible.

Don’t simply succumb.  Learn to live.


And if you need to talk, no matter who you are… I am here.

Peace,
Chad