Sunday, July 28, 2019

NOT OREGON



I did not choose Oregon.

It was a decision made starting back in January that I was not made aware of until two months ago.  After all the arrangements had been settled.  Without any voice given to a father.

I did however choose to finally be close to my son.

The echoes of late January 2018 resonate throughout this move.  Calculated, decisive.  And the choice I was forced to make was to not allow my beautiful son to further be made a pawn in the hands of a cruel-hearted plot to eliminate his dad from his life.  And before you think that I’m over dramatizing, I can back up each of these feelings with fact.

  • A job change was contemplated - January 2109
  • A request to suspend all travel reimbursements was presented through the courts - February 2019
  • A contempt charge was pursued while making huge life changes in secret - February/March 2019
  • A job was taken out of state (and across country) - April/May 2019
  • A costly court action revolving around our son was completed without any acknowledgement of the information above - May 2019
  • The weekend following the court action being closed, I was informed of ALL of the above - May 19, 2019

If you read this and think I’m bitter, then you’re absolutely correct.  I am. Wouldn’t you be?  Duck, wouldn’t you be fighting mad?  I hope you would.  I’m mad.  I’m upset.  I had a life of my own in Atlanta.  A possible new career path, friends, someone special.  But I’m sitting in a hotel room just an hour outside of Portland.  Changing everything. 

I did not choose Oregon.  I did choose my son.  I’m trying to do the right thing and let go of the feelings I feel, but you know what?  Duck it.  I have realized that when you deal with duplicitous, manipulative people it is better to remember enough to keep a safe guard on everything around you.  Otherwise you might find yourself heart-broke, pocket-broke, and starting over again at 47.

I’m willing to make the change.  I am even hoping to let go sooner than later.  But I will not forget totally a decision to disrupt entire worlds.  Remember what brought you to where you are.  Look forward, but don’t forget to look around.  Sometimes that path, well it can bite you in the ass if you aren’t aware. 

Pray.

Live.

Love while it’s there.

Don’t give up on what matters.

And breathe.


Sunday, July 14, 2019

Labour of Love


They were sitting on the top shelf, tucked away from the other instruments.  Covered in dust and years of grime, yellowed slightly like bad headlights.  They sat there for who knows how long, and I would have never seen them if it wasn’t for a chance look around the instrument storage area with the director.  But there they were.  They were old.  Beaten and looking abandoned.  And they were beautiful.  I’ll tell this story without giving any names, but this has become one of the most important items that I’m taking with me across country.  But I’m getting ahead of myself.

When I saw the drum set, I immediately knew what era it was.  Mid-late 60s.  Ringo, but not quite Ringo’s.  The comment I recall from the director, “it’s not worth anything, I checked.”  And I’m sure he did.  But there are times when you have to find the right kind of ‘worth’.  And I saw it.  “What’s that?”  “Why are those sitting up there?”  “You can’t leave them there!”  All the business I was there to conduct was out the window.  I had to know more about them.  I wanted to rescue them.  I salivated.  I mourned.  And yes, I know they’re just frickin’ inanimate objects.  “But you have to get them down from there.”  The part of me that was ripping out from the inside to climb the shelves and save that set was hard to quiet.  But I did and reluctantly followed the director back to his office to finish what I was there for, prep for next year’s marching band season.

As I was leaving our meeting, the director looked at me.  “I had the students leave you something beside your van.”  And with that I got up and went outside to head down the road.  Except it wasn’t a sousaphone or a couple of saxophones, it was three faded drums, circa 1968 that sat on the ground beside my van. Without a pause I loaded them up and got the hell out of there before he changed his mind.

Ringo Starr made Ludwig drums the most recognizable drum manufacturer on the planet back in the mid 1960s.  He had an affinity for these pretty, American made drums and it became hard for Ludwig, a family owned percussion company in the Midwest, to keep up with the demand. That’s a pretty incredible story if you ever want to google it.  And then Buddy Rich, John Bonham and so many others would take turns using their products over the years.  I did my research immediately, taking the information from the director, the date stamped inside (1968) and my own findings.  The director was right, they weren’t the prized “Ringo drums” that were so sought after.  What I did find was a drum set made for left hand set up, which was not done often, except on custom orders and for some larger music shops.  But they were perfect, even in this trodden state, and they were mine.

I took these home in the first days after my youngest son was born.  Four years ago.  And they pretty much sat, a fantasy in my head that I’d ever find the time of space to really put the energy to giving them the attention they deserve.  

Flashback to 1984. Summer between 6thand 7thgrade.  It was when drumming became real to me.  It was the first of the great outlets in my life up to that time, only to be surpassed by the written word years later, and then hiking and the outdoors in recent times.  But I remember so clearly the first drum lesson I ever had.  Dave Mitchell, jazz drummer and science teacher.  Coolest Cat EVER!  I saw him playing through the window of his basement studio before I actually heard the music he was playing.  Jazz. And then I heard the subtle, essential rhythms he was supplying to the music that touched my ears.  I.  Was.  Hooked.  I dropped the saxophone immediately and started lessons.  And my first drum set, well do you want to guess?  It was a mid 60s Ludwig.  It needed work, but it functioned enough to get me going.  I always thought I’d fix it up, but never had the means or the understanding of how to do it.   Eventually I got a newer, shinier set.  The classic just sat and collected dust until I sold it for basically nothing, not knowing how to really make it what it once was.

That drum set has haunted me ever sense.  Thirty years later, I always look at the classic kits and imagine just getting my hands on one. Maybe one day?

Two weeks ago, as I was getting more things organized for my move to the Northwest, I had to make a decision.  Take the drums with me like they were, no better than the day that I received them, or let them go.  I mean why take broken-down relics all the way across the country to just be stacked in a corner of my living room as not-quite-interesting-enough conversation fodder?  They WERE ugly.  I hadn’t done one thing to make them better.  The decision was hard.  I take care of my stuff.  I clean my instruments; I keep them safe and maintained.  But these drums were just overwhelming in the need to either do something to them or part ways with them.  

I did neither. Instead I ordered cases for them. I mean I can’t take them across the country without protecting them from getting worse than they already are, right?! 

But was that really enough?

I woke up late one night. Couldn’t sleep.  The cases sat empty.  I wouldn’t put the drums in them for some reason.  I took the small tom tom and found a drum key, a screwdriver and started to take it completely apart.  

Proceeded to clean it. 

I learned very quickly that elbow grease and a little simple green can get rid of a ton of grit and grime. 

Then I bathed and scrubbed every part that I felt comfortable dismantling. 

It was a process.  The first drum took me two days to get to a roughly clean condition.  Then I redid the whole process.  I would go through this drum, and each of the others twice on the big parts, and sometimes three or four times on the smaller chrome and metal parts.

And I learned something...

It was me.  This was never about cleaning the drums, though in the end, they’re exactly what I want to be.  Wanted.  Cared for.  Not forgotten and left on a shelf.  

I’ve waited my entire life to find a vintage Ludwig drum set, fearing I’d never have the money or the right situation for it.  When I got the drums four years ago, I hadn’t played set in many years with any regularity.  But then I get a job last August teaching at a music school in Decatur.  I started playing, roughly at first, every week.  I saw myself get better again.  I found a part of me.  But it didn’t stop there.  I ran into a student I taught over twenty years ago.  He told me that I actually influenced him to be a musician. He’s a touring professional drummer. And out of the blue he’s living right near where I’m teaching.  We reconnected (though not enough – sorry Robby!).

I wasn’t given the drums 20 years ago.  When I did play about 15 years ago, I bought a Brand-New piece of crap set to play on.  And even four years ago I didn’t have the space to make them part of my life again.  Space and timing aren’t always ours.  We have to soak.  To wallow (yes, Pam, we have to wallow sometimes).  We have to trust.  Damn that one.  And we have to wait.  “It’s not time yet.” (higher power/god voice)  And when we think we’re at our lowest, people and even 1968 Ludwig Super Classics come in and change EVERYTHING!  

The drums are done.  I can’t stop looking at them.  I’m not incredibly materialistic, but they’re not just about the shine or age.  They are about a kid who learned to drum.  Who always wanted to conquer the world.  Now a man who can’t imagine how significant it was for his future to have a director, no a friend, give a gift that goes beyond the music.  It absolutely defines this moment.  

Time to shine and feel as good as it’s going to be to play those drums.  To breathe in life’s rhythms and groove on.




Sunday, July 7, 2019

GUT CHECK - Follow A Leading


I don’t know what guides you.  I personally feel there are voices on the wind, in a song, on FACEBOOK even that help nudge me along.  I’m pretty hard-headed, but there are specific ways that I find my mind, my heart and my spirit get aligned and I just know that something is the ‘right’ thing to do.

And I did ask God for a leading.  

So there it was.  A simple Facebook post, not looking for a handout but just frothed with that annoying spiritual-ized candor of an upcoming event in a person’s life. Made me kind of sick to the stomach. “Really Dude?!  Can it be something else?” - me talking to God.  I don’t know your particular spiritual flavor, but I call mine God. It’s born out of my Christian roots, mixed in with some tree-hugging, belly-rubber sentimentalities, along with a shot of cinnamon whiskey to give it a little ‘spice’.  And he gave me exactly what I was looking for…

…and more.

So I sent a text to the person.  It’s a friend that I’ve never invested in the way I could have, but I respect her crazy (the Hey-sus version of Crazy, not ‘lock-em-up in a padded room’ crazy).  I really don’t care much about the trip she was planning on attending or the cost.  I asked for a clear picture of what I was supposed to do.  Hammer to the head clear was what I got.  But you know what, it was important for me to find the place to give. So I gave.

$300.

I only bring up the amount because later that day it would come into play.

I gloated inside.  I celebrated finding my “Big a$$ Good Deed” to do before I left town.  It wasn’t in humility.  At first it was, but it quickly became an internal “look at me, I’m Special”.  Gloating is something I really try not to do, but I was fully on a small little ego trip.  Then I got really tested.  I went to work at the summer camp I’ve been teaching.  There is a college student working there who had hit a tight spot. Wasn’t going to be able to cover their rent.  

Want to guess the amount?

I had no words other than, ok.  Not to the college kid, but up above.  Sometimes we’re asked to do a little.  Then a little more.  Other times we’re asked to give, then give a whole lot more.  For some reason this made me think about trust and taking a bigger stand on what the true direction is in my life.  I mean I was hoping to be led to some great deed that would make me feel really good inside.  I was wanting to be a ‘good guy’.  But that wasn’t what I was given when I asked.  I had asked for a clear picture of where I could help.

And I got the same answer. Twice.

I don’t trust well. In fact, I struggle mightily with this concept of trusting beyond what I know.  And six hundred dollars is nothing compared to the amount of trust I’m placing in a great unknown.  I was told to listen, and he’d be clear.  The direction would be clear enough to see just ahead of me, like on a foggy morning on the trails, those days when there’s visibility for like 10 feet and then it’s a wash.  Other than a sense of the right way to go, I’d be left to give my path to a spirit I do seem to trust.  Though I can count the people I truly trust on my hands, I trust what guides my heart, my head, my own spirit.  And that god has asked me to make a decision.  Either trust that I can go and make a new life close to my son in Oregon, or cower and let my influence be muffled, muddied as I linger across the country.  

And be humbled in the process.  That one stung a little.  

I keep having the image of the linebacker carrying the other player on his back from ‘Facing the Giants’.  The Death Crawl.  It’s pretty much a gut check.  Can I blindly follow a leading, no matter how clear it is?  When you can’t see the path, or the road, or the purpose even fully at times, can I trust?  I know that there is something out there to find.  It’s just like NOTHING I’ve done before.

And when I’m ‘DUN’ (done for you civilized folks), I find I’m often asked for more, then a little more. Yes, there is time for rest, but right now isn't that time.  I have to take that next step.  Path ahead, just have to wait as it clears more and more.


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