I don’t know what guides you. I personally feel there are voices on the wind, in a song, on FACEBOOK even that help nudge me along. I’m pretty hard-headed, but there are specific ways that I find my mind, my heart and my spirit get aligned and I just know that something is the ‘right’ thing to do.
And I did ask God for a leading.
So there it was. A simple Facebook post, not looking for a handout but just frothed with that annoying spiritual-ized candor of an upcoming event in a person’s life. Made me kind of sick to the stomach. “Really Dude?! Can it be something else?” - me talking to God. I don’t know your particular spiritual flavor, but I call mine God. It’s born out of my Christian roots, mixed in with some tree-hugging, belly-rubber sentimentalities, along with a shot of cinnamon whiskey to give it a little ‘spice’. And he gave me exactly what I was looking for…
…and more.
So I sent a text to the person. It’s a friend that I’ve never invested in the way I could have, but I respect her crazy (the Hey-sus version of Crazy, not ‘lock-em-up in a padded room’ crazy). I really don’t care much about the trip she was planning on attending or the cost. I asked for a clear picture of what I was supposed to do. Hammer to the head clear was what I got. But you know what, it was important for me to find the place to give. So I gave.
$300.
I only bring up the amount because later that day it would come into play.
I gloated inside. I celebrated finding my “Big a$$ Good Deed” to do before I left town. It wasn’t in humility. At first it was, but it quickly became an internal “look at me, I’m Special”. Gloating is something I really try not to do, but I was fully on a small little ego trip. Then I got really tested. I went to work at the summer camp I’ve been teaching. There is a college student working there who had hit a tight spot. Wasn’t going to be able to cover their rent.
Want to guess the amount?
I had no words other than, ok. Not to the college kid, but up above. Sometimes we’re asked to do a little. Then a little more. Other times we’re asked to give, then give a whole lot more. For some reason this made me think about trust and taking a bigger stand on what the true direction is in my life. I mean I was hoping to be led to some great deed that would make me feel really good inside. I was wanting to be a ‘good guy’. But that wasn’t what I was given when I asked. I had asked for a clear picture of where I could help.
And I got the same answer. Twice.
I don’t trust well. In fact, I struggle mightily with this concept of trusting beyond what I know. And six hundred dollars is nothing compared to the amount of trust I’m placing in a great unknown. I was told to listen, and he’d be clear. The direction would be clear enough to see just ahead of me, like on a foggy morning on the trails, those days when there’s visibility for like 10 feet and then it’s a wash. Other than a sense of the right way to go, I’d be left to give my path to a spirit I do seem to trust. Though I can count the people I truly trust on my hands, I trust what guides my heart, my head, my own spirit. And that god has asked me to make a decision. Either trust that I can go and make a new life close to my son in Oregon, or cower and let my influence be muffled, muddied as I linger across the country.
And be humbled in the process. That one stung a little.
I keep having the image of the linebacker carrying the other player on his back from ‘Facing the Giants’. The Death Crawl. It’s pretty much a gut check. Can I blindly follow a leading, no matter how clear it is? When you can’t see the path, or the road, or the purpose even fully at times, can I trust? I know that there is something out there to find. It’s just like NOTHING I’ve done before.
And when I’m ‘DUN’ (done for you civilized folks), I find I’m often asked for more, then a little more. Yes, there is time for rest, but right now isn't that time. I have to take that next step. Path ahead, just have to wait as it clears more and more.
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