The Radical Nature of Love

I Woke this morning as I went to bed, tearful, aching, mad at myself and at God.

Missing a little boy.

I had to have a hard conversation with his mom yesterday and change plans.  The trip I was hoping to take to see him needed to be pushed back a month.  Airfare, lodging, etc.  I chose to be honest with her about why, knowing that it would be another place she would potentially lash back at some point - but that’s her stuff, not mine.

My own feeling - I’m not enough for him.  That he deserves more.

Those who know the situation have heard it all many times.  The simple is that divorce sucks and there are no winners.  Just a sense of loss (even amidst the sense of freedom - relief that the relationship is over).  

And as I sit here, sipping coffee on a cold early winter morning, I’m just broken.

I love…

Otherwise this wouldn’t be hard. Love is funny that way.  I know that I have often gotten swept up in the ‘feels’ of love, but the journey of the last decade has taught me more about the power, even radical nature of love.

Patient

Kind

Selfless

Blind

Loving my enemies

Loving my ‘self’

Letting others love me - well I’m damn well trying to!

‘All you need is love’

(and maybe food and shelter.)

But the point is that last night I had two people tell me that it’s ‘gonna be ok’.  And though I’m still choosing to deflect that just a bit, I’m so thankful for voices that speak truth in Love.  

Living in Love is not what they often try to sell you on social media or network news.  They are selling you a product, on emotions, on guilt and greed and lust and envy.  Push the right button and you just might buy their product, vote for their opinion, rally behind their cause.

Love though, is a choice.  I chose you.  I chose to pick up the phone and talk to that little boy everyday - often learning so much about him through watching Lego builds or discussing his new fascination with Harry Potty (I know Cambrey, it’s Potter!).

I chose to love the ones closest to me.  Starting with me.  That one took about 40 years to decide upon, and it’s a new love affair with this man who I sometimes don’t even recognize from the child I once was.  And some days I even really like what I see!

My other two, both young adults who I know deserve more.  I love them.  They’ve been through hell that no teenager should have had to face.

Love can open doors you thought were closed and help you realize dreams you didn’t even know still existed. But you have to choose to accept it. To grow it.  Tend it with care and to weed out the bad and daily water it with Truth.

And it often grows in the background. Not on the stage, not through silly love songs, not in words, but in actions, deeds, truth and light. 

It is scary as fuck at times.

It can seem overwhelming.

And it is worth it.

“The greatest of these is ‘Love’”

Thank you Rachel and Sam.  Love you both.

~ Peace

The Burtle