Blackbird

"YOU ARE A FAILURE!"

"You can't do this."

"Nothing will make it better - you're stuck in your own mediocrity"

My mind has a way of getting this message from some deep dark recess at times.  I don't fully understand why, but I've learned to recognize it as a false message that speaks NO TRUTH, NO FACT.  Just the darkness trying to keep me down.  To have me surrender to the depression that would like to take back control...

I've found that there are things that allow me to easily stand against these onslaughts.  Simple actions or thoughts that push aside such dangerous FALSE BELIEFS and allow me to focus on ME.  

The man I am.  The person I'm becoming.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

So these are the moments.  Yesterday was especially one.

I scheduled a 14 mile hike with the hiking group.  Up and down at least three mountains and some serious rocky terrain.  I was excited and knew there was a challenge coming.  There is always that feeling at the beginning of a journey for me.  The need to move forward.  The desire to move through something.  The humbleness from moving along in God's nature.

Then we hit mile 11.

I couldn't walk.  I could barely stand without serious pains in my knee and ankle.

All I could do was sit.  I QUIT!

But that's kind of hard to do when you're 3 miles away from your car in the middle of the wilderness.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free

So I looked ahead.

One section at a time.  Finding a point in the horizon and focusing on the steps it would take to get there.

It was slow.  I sat back down several times and wanted to cry.

But the freedom comes in removing the bondage that you're in and tearing free of the pain.  The thoughts that I had to overcome were much more painful than the pain through my leg.  I can push through pain, but I sometimes CAVE when it comes to the internal emotional pain.

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly

So it's my time to continue this flight.  Injured wings, or legs.  Eyes that get so foggy with doubt sometimes still.  But I MUST PRESS ON!

I thought about the end.  When the trail comes to the opening at Woody Gap.  I continued to wince and feel the sting of pain.  I found myself the last in our group to get there, but I GOT THERE!

I came FREE!


this is the last of the Fab Four posts.