“I just want to be heard.”
It’s not my phrase but wise words from a close friend. And it rings true. Don’t we all want to be heard, to be understood? Feel connected in a world of total disconnection? I mean yes, we can ‘connect’ immediately with each other, with millions of others on social media on multiple devices but how many times are we really just surface in those connections? When was the last time you touched someone close, gave them a hug, sat and listened to them talk, sharing a moment and the air between you?
Those moments, those times together with special people are like the oxygen that mingled in-between that conversation. It brings life and is so important!
But this isn’t about touch - this is about being heard, but more than that, listening.
I did A LOT of crappy dating over the first two months I was in Portland. To fill time, to fill the “Big-ole Annie-sized hole”, to try and find something of substance. But so many times I found myself sitting across from a nice human being and would watch lips move and words come out and not hear much of anything. I wasn’t up for listening. I couldn’t hear them and nothing was changing that (well something changed that, but I’m saving that writing just a little longer).
Down deep we all want to be heard and UNDERSTOOD!
And to do that I’ve come up with some ideas to make myself more available to hear what those I care about are trying to say.
1. Be present.
2. Turn the world OFF.
3. Schedule a time.
4. Prepare to SHUT UP.
5. Wait your turn.
6. Ask them to repeat.
7. Recap and grow.
The order still may need some tweaking, but here’s my rationale for this:
If you’re like me, you get distracted by a noise, a sound, a color flashing outside the window (Squirrel!!!). I have to put my phone down, turn off the TV, find someplace quiet and do everything I can to Be Present. Turning the world OFF for a little while and focusing on another person can be difficult, but not impossible. Quite honestly, it may take several times to get to a point of being able to truly focus on that person. But merit points for trying and growing in this!
To make this even more of a success, Schedule a Time to talk. Finding a time with less distraction allows for greater connection between two people, especially if you’re having to connect over Factime or phone call. Scheduling those longer, deeper conversations with someone can ensure that you are fully able to be present and aware of what they are saying.
Here’s the hardest part – SHUT UP! Learn to close your mouth and really just listen. As you do this, also start to quiet your mind to your own agenda. Find what they are saying without need to fix, to help, to bend toward your opinions. Just listen. Shut up and BE present. See how they work together? I SOOOOOOOOOO Struggle with this one. I interject, I want to help, to console, but what I need to do is just be able to hear them. Yes, there are times to say something, but be mindful of when you use these. Space and silent listening may be scary at first, but it will eventually be a gift to both of you as you grow together. Waiting your Turn allows you to know each other and when it’s the right time, give your thoughts, or maybe just let them know you do hear them. You are trying to understand. You may have to ask them to repeat certain parts, to gain better understanding.
When you feel like they’ve given you what they need to say, go back through it. Ask them to Repeat sections. See if you’ve captured their feelings and truly have an understanding of what they need, want, how they feel, where their head is…. Recaps are great even in personal conversations. It gives pause for the one sharing and lets them know they really were heard. And if something isn’t heard correctly, they can redirect and it allows room for huge growth together.
Growth comes as we sit and listen to each other.
So, grow with each other. Show you care.
When we’re heard and understood.
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