Daddy Issues!

Reader warning:

This may be a sensitive topic to all three of you who actively read this blog! 

But that’s what I do. I take where I’m at and try to put my thoughts down as best I can. And sometimes that means it’s a topic I don’t really want to talk about or write about. And definitely not think about, but here we are.

How do you see your father? 

My father is a good man. I can’t say we’ve had the easiest relationship. I know I wasn’t easy and I can’t say that he was either. But I know that he loved me in his way and I’m thankful that I did have a father. My father gave me a taste of faith and also discipline. Took me to work with him at 14 and helped ingrain in me a realization that working is good. It’s something I’ve done my entire life. I don’t feel right unless I’m working. And I don’t mean every moment, but I do know that it’s important to get to the end of the day and know that I’ve done a good days work and rest in that.

I’m grateful I had a father who was there as I was growing up and also was there at one of the hardest points in my life and told me I needed to get help. Even if it was not pretty. 

What I’ve also had for my entire life and even today is a fear of my father. I’ve always felt that I was a disappointment. There’s some valid reasons for that. I’ve never lived up to be the man that maybe he and my mom thought I would be. But I will say this, I’m more grateful for the man I am today than any other man that I could’ve become. If you know me you realize that I took a pretty hard path to get here. Yet I’m here, and I’m breathing.

So I need to have a conversation with my father and it’s nothing incredibly serious, but even now so many years later, I still fear having those conversations. And that’s funny because if you really know me, you know that I don’t mind deep, I don’t mind hard. I don’t mind difficult. Hell you can tell me your shit and I’ll just go ‘yeah, I get it’. But there’s still a part of me that wonders how to talk to my father without having that little gulp of fear that comes in my throat and more so in my stomach.

So what is your view of your father? What if you don’t have a father? Who has been in your life that has helped guide and mold you? Maybe it was a mother? Maybe it was a family member, a foster parent, a pastor, Boys Club volunteer?

We all have different paths, but our views of those in authority over us, those who help guide us or sometimes kick us along, can define how we look at things throughout our life. 

I can say this pretty openly that my father and I are closer now than we ever were before, because I didn’t get him and I’m sure he didn’t get me. It took a pretty extraordinary act to get my ass in gear and realize that it’s OK that I’m not exactly who EVEN I thought I was going to be!

What do you do when you don’t have that guidance? Hopefully you found someone that walks along with you. Because those views of men or elders or women or mentors - they matter. They matter a whole lot. 

Those are the voices that guide us when we just don’t know what to do. And for me, hopefully they echo the voice of God. Because that’s my Father. Yes I have my earthly father, but I’ve ALSO got a Big Ole Daddy in the sky who loves me regardless of how crazy I am, when I fly off the handle, when I run around in circles, when I fall down and cry.

And sometimes there’s a fear of God because of a fear of man. If the only thing you’ve known is hurt, pain, is abuse, how can your view of God be anything but negative? I don’t know?!

My parents gave me a loving home to live in. They didn’t know the turmoil inside. They took me to church and exposed me to faith.  That faith is what guides me. And I thank both of them for that. 

My dad pushed having an education, getting a degree. And even though I don’t teach anymore, I think life teaches me and I can see how the lessons of completing something matters - even if it’s a bachelors degree in six years, though not a doctorate! (Maybe a PHD in life)

One of the greatest things that my father did was push me to follow through. And I didn’t always understand that and I still don’t always know I do it the best. But I try. 

As for that Father up in the sky, well that one loves me unconditionally. It’s one of the best things ever when you just know there’s this big huge loving being that just wants to love us. Who’s right there in all of the crap, in the joy, the hurts, the laughter and in the tears. 

Tell me about your father!

I’d really like to know :)

~ Peace

The Burtle