I watched the end of High Fidelity the other day. It’s one of the more modern of the John Cusack romantic comedies. It’s a good movie and in true form, outlines the path of one man who is honestly still searching for himself even though he’s pushing 40 in the movie.
I grew up on these movies. And my life and how I look at things is often formed by thoughts of the hapless lovable loser. Who at some point finally figures it out and makes good. It’s silly. It’s not reality, but actually in some ways maybe there’s more reality there than I’ve thought in the past. You can live in this fantasy and that’s definitely not healthy, but if we look at our lives, I think all of us go through a time where we feel like we’re not good enough, or somebody’s gonna figure out that maybe we don’t have our shit together or maybe we’re just eating ourselves inside because that’s who we are and we have way too many thoughts in our heads.
Better Off Dead, One Crazy Summer, the Sure Thing, Say Anything - all classic JC movies!
I have played those characters over and over in my mind and also in my relationships, often fraught with my own emotional immaturity and desire to be seen, to be known.
I still fight this. I know who I am. I know that I am a good man and I also know that I struggle with insecurities. I do daily try to push through them. But this vulnerable little heart inside me (and yes, it’s there - it’s tiny, probably infinitesimally smaller than anyone thinks), it’s there. And it just wants to love.
Thankfully, God rescued me from living fully in this fantasy by giving me hope. But does that make it always easy? Hell no! I struggle with the reality that I’m in my early 50s and I am alone.
I have good people around, I have someone I’ve been talking and walking with, I have my kids. I have a church that drives me bonkers, but at the same time shows love in ways that I don’t know that I’ve ever seen.
Some days I’m just a fucking mess! And believe it or not, even as I’m writing this, I would rather be a mess and know it than to not have any clue that I’m dealing with stuff. I’m learning still. I’m breathing, and I am still here.
Because I wasn’t always here. For a lot of my life I was absent. Even if I stood right beside you, I was able to walk through life without being truly enmeshed with what was going on.
The funny thing about High Fidelity, at the end he figures out a lot of things, but he gets hit immediately with the same thing that he has struggled with, seeking out attention and wanting to be seen by others. It resolves, as movies like this tend to do, and Jack Black sings one of the most amazing renditions of Marvin Gaye‘s classic ‘Let’s get it on’ and it is powerful. Then, Stevie Wonder comes on with a song that I do hope is part of my future.
As I’m driving this morning to take care of some things, to be present with my life group at the church, serve this afternoon, to walk a lot I hope, I just needed to get this off my chest.
God gave us such a capacity to love. He gave us hope through him. And, you don’t have to believe what I believe, that’s never what this blog is about. I do hope you believe in something though. Because I had a friend this week who lost a daughter because she couldn’t believe in anything bigger. It’s hurting me still that this person decided to leave. In fact, I wrote a blog about it, but that’s one is just for me.
I’m very grateful. Even on a melancholy morning, where I feel like part of me is still in Alabama. I’m grateful that I’m here and sad at the same time. And I think that’s what life does. We have to hold onto both. We have to take the times where we’re joyful and align them with the times when we’re suffering and find peace in them.
Love on ourselves, then we can love on others. Just my thoughts.
~ Peace
The Burtle
No comments:
Post a Comment