I just want You to know who I am

Sunday morning I was driving to the church early and a song came on. It was a cover of the pop tune “Iris” made by a new country artist I had put on my playlist to check out at some point. Honestly, I thought it was because of a girl, but I was wrong. 

I know the song well, and as I started to hum along, I froze as I really heard these lyrics… 

“And I don't want the world to see me

'Cause I don't think that they'd understand

When everything's made to be broken

I just want you to know who I am”

 ~ from Iris, by the Goo Goo Dolls

Tears started rolling down my face. I want to be known. It’s probably the deepest desire in my heart. It’s also the scariest one. It’s a fight inside to be known and not trusting I won’t be hurt in the process.

It’s not so much that I don’t want to be seen by the world, but it’s more that I don’t let the world see the deeper stuff. Those closest to me I do want to be vulnerable with, but before that I want to be transparent with God. Because that’s where it starts; that’s where life began for me - in 1972 and again in 2020.

So the truth is, I’m desperate for God to know me. And also scared at the same time. While I want him to have all of me, I still don’t know why he would want to. And that sometimes blocks being able to be truly transparent. Because I feel like I’m supposed to hide. I was taught that. Even in the religious halls that I grew up in I found that there’s many times we don’t want to ‘take off our shoes’ and truly be who we are.

We wear our fancy clothes, we talk and walk in the ways that are acceptable. But I’m not always acceptable. I’m a fucking nut at times! 

I love God. He is so real and true for me. And I’m not cutting on those who are more comfortable in their clothes than I am. I’m finally getting comfortable in my own skin and part of that is realizing that this whole journey is about relationship… and that starts with the relationship that is first and foremost. 

I often walk around feeling like I’m a pariah, an outcast, a misfit. And I’m learning that is perfectly ok. The man who wandered through Gallilee and Samaria and Israel and all of those old areas speaking truth… He was a misfit too. At least to those who wanted it to be a certain way. 

I crave the acceptance from those who are here around me, but what I want even more is the love and affection that comes from my father. I know God does know me - even when try to hide. 

When he touches my spirit like he did Sunday morning and the tears flow down; I realize the simple truth… 

“ I just want you to know who I am.”

~ Peace

The Burtle

Iris - Cover (click to listen)