Listen to your HEART!!!

The Heart knows...

It can tell you when it's time to let go of something that was once wonderful, live and vibrant.

It can beat and grow with the anticipation of reaching the summit for the very first time.

It can slow and grow weary when worked too hard and too long.

My physical heart gave me a scare this weekend.

I was sick all last week, flu like stuff, and I really felt bad.  I had fever and chills - body aches and pain.  Then early Saturday morning the pain started.  For over an hour I felt like someone was pushing and grabbing at my heart.  Wanting to squeeze me to death from the inside out.  The pain went away and I felt ok.  I wasn't trying to ignore it.  Actually I felt it was really bad indigestion. 

Then it came back.

Calmly and carefully I LISTENED!  This wasn't a game.  It wasn't some philosophical decision that needed to be made.  It was my heart.  And it was serious.

We went to Gwinnett Medical, a place I really dread.  And even in the E.R.s response to my pain showed me that you just don't mess around with things like this...

I was tested and watched over the last three days and at around 4pm today was allowed to pack my things and go home.  I had swelling in my heart that caused the pain.  Myocarditis.  Most likely from the virus that I had the week before.

I had a lot of time to think.

How many YEARS have I not listened to my Heart?  Not the tick-tock beating of the organ that I went to the hospital for, but the emotional center of my being that resonates who I am.  My soul even.

All these writings just can't fully express how much clearer life becomes when you are in a room hooked up to machines waiting to see if you're going to be ok or not.

The dreaded unknown is so daunting at times.  But it wasn't fear that engulfed me over this weekend.  It was something altogether different.  I was calm.  I didn't loose it (well I almost lost it on Saturday night).  I realized that it just wasn't in my hands.

I looked at my heart and into the places of unrest that have swallowed me whole in the past and I hope to change those areas into more and more places that resonate with hope and joy.

I may change my diet.  I may also change some of my activities. 

I may also change some of the things that just eat at my spirit and keep me from finding the BEST of ME!

I'm glad to be home.  And realize that there were people who came forward this weekend who showed that they loved me.  Thank you all.

So if you're stuggling with Chest Pains - - - - GO TO THE HOSPITAL!!!!

But if you're struggling with hearing what your path really needs to be - - - 

just Listen to your HEART!!!!!!!

Eric

He was the best of us.

I hope I don't offend any of the Martin cousins with that statement.  But quite frankly it's something I believed before May of 1997 and still hold to today.

All of us were practically raised together.  Myself, my brother Kit, cousins Matt and Eric were the oldest of the crew with Ashley, Kenny, Alex, Morgan, Alie and Aby following behind.  I can't remember many early childhood memories without at least one of you present.  I do love each of you, but today, this is about Eric.

It was my first year of teaching and I was already miserable in a marriage that I just didn't like.  I got the call from my aunt and without hesitation we raced to Kennestone Hospital to see what had happened.

He was a beautiful kid, but really more a man.  Strong.  Witty.  Bright.  With a little bit of swagger that made you smile instead of pissing you off.

He was passionate about his beliefs.  I always envied that.  I still struggle in this.  He seemed to get it.  Knew exactly how to connect with God and also connect with others at his Church.

He was an Athlete.  I remember him showing his "guns" at the last family gathering I saw him at.

And I envied just about every part of who he was.  

It was an angry time for me and I know that one of the staff at Burnt Hickory Baptist Church just about got clocked when he tried to keep me from going into the waiting room.  This was my cousin, my brother, my family - we'd been raised so close as kids that there was still a sense that we'd always have each other. 

I couldn't believe it.  Still don't fathom why.  I've asked myself many times since then "why him? why coudn't you have taken me?  anyone else?"

I've asked God that again tonight.  Why would you take this precious kid, this young man on the verge of doing something truly special?  

Then I have to remember two things from that time:

First was the vigil that was taking place in the lobby of the hospital - just below us.  It was amazing.  ALL these kids, teenagers there gathered in a circle - and not just 10 or 15, more like 75 or so.  They were there for Eric.

The second was the service.  I hate funerals.  And I didn't enjoy the service, but to see that church FILLED and overflowing with all these people...

...all for a kid who hadn't scratched 17 years here.


His brother Matt is now the Youth Pastor at that same church.  He pursues kids' hearts.  I wonder if he sees his brother in any of them?

I know I am still seeking where my place is.  Haven't really found it, but I do know that I want my kids to hear a little about Eric.  

Maybe they'll see some of him in my eyes...

the Falcon

the absolute last of the Star Wars blogs...

"You came in that thing?  You're braver than I thought!"
~ Leia to Han

Remember your first car?  It may not have looked like much, but to you it could fly.  Got you beyond the captivity of your own Emperial Fleet (sorry Parents), and take you on untold adventures through new and mysterious lands.  Even if they were only across town to the places that you couldn't fathom of on foot.

Mine was a 1977 Chevy Monte Carlo.  It was big, fast and I LOVED that car!!!  I felt alive just getting behind the wheel.  But to some it was a boat, or a older relic that had a couple of issues.  My parents had taken extremely good care of it, but it did have things that just went wrong.

But it amazed me and made me feel good to sit behind the wheel and accelerate to wherever my imagination and a few bucks of gas would take me.

You know I'm kind of like that first car, or maybe even better:  I'm like the Millinneum Falcon!

"She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid!"
~ Han to Luke

Yeah - that describes me.  I may not look like much, but I don't quit.  I don't hesitate to continue on.  I don't shy away from a challenge, well most of the time.  There are times when my shields don't work.  The Hyperdrive is out and I just limp along and can't get much going that seems positive.  But if you need me to rise to the occasion - I won't give up.  Not on those who matter to me.  Not on what's truly important in my life.


"This baby's got a few surprises left in her, sweetheart!"
~ Han to Leia



But tonight I'm still working out a bug or two in the wiring.  I need to take myself out for a few more test flights and then hopefully everything will start to fall in place and I'll propel forward into what tomorrow holds...

but, if not...

"Would it help if I got out and pushed?"
~ Leia to Han

"Do or do not. There is no try."

last of the Star Wars blogs...

I had a friend tell me just tonight that I had to make a decision.  That instead of merely trying to follow a good path and try to do the right things, that I just had to make up my mind and DO THE RIGHT THING.

It comes down to more than the philosophy or the discussion over several different options.  It comes down to making a decision and then carrying that out.

I've been so close (I thought) at times to truly doing this, but I always find a moment when I waver and succumb to the fear of either fitting in, or standing out too much... many different things that make me loose sight of what I am truly seeking.

Yoda put it so clearly.  To try is to automatically fail.  To not see that there is an ultimate victory in sight - even if it takes years to find it.  I've given parts of my soul at times to those moments.  Trying when all I needed to do was to realize that there was a step that comes before the attempt.  

Do.

Do Not.

If I looked at more things through this perspective maybe I would understand that there are some decisions that are just a 'Do Not', and walk away.   If I were asked to fix the wiring on a computer I know that it really is a "DO NOT", actually it's probably DO NOT TOUCH!  If you asked me to help move some boxes or clean and organize something, then it's a "Do".

That's pretty simplified, but even the bigger issues are sometimes just as simple.  Do I keep pushing through relationships that I see clearly have no Hope?  Do I miss out on someone really special because I am trying SOOOOO hard in something that just doesn't fit?  

So I need to move forward.  I need to decide.  I need the strength to realize that this life isn't a TRY, but it's simply DO or DO NOT.

Vader

One of the scariest memories in my mind from my childhood always revolved around the dark, cloaked figure menacingly approaching... and I would always find myself unable to move - held captive by the ominous power he wielded from deep inside that all to familiar helmet.

Surely I'm not alone.

It was one of the earliest movie memories I have.  My parents took me to see it at a drive-in.  Can you imagine the opening sequence shown against a backdrop of real stars?  The words start to scroll and 'A New Hope' is one of the first thoughts put in your mind.  

Then the spaceship. 

Then Vader.

In the midst of this 'star wars' comes the villain we come to hate, root against, but at one point deeply want to know...

Why the mask?  What's the story?  Is he as evil as he seems?

The first three movies takes us from Evil Sith Lord to absent father to reluctant hero as he plunges the Emperor into the bowels of the new death star.  Who would have known that this fearsome character would come to define a generation of moviegoers and even permeate the culture.

And for Luke it would be looking into the mirror and recognizing the evil and even the good inside of himself.  Inside all of us.

And then we see the back story in the first three movies.  And then we see Jar-Jar, but that's a blog of another color all together.

He was a real person.  A child that was sold into slavery (how many of us have been a slave to something in our lives).  Then reluctantly taken into the Jedi, even though there were warning signs.  Someone took a chance on him (again - how many of us have had that person who took us in and helped us to grow?).

But like many of us, well, at least like me - he started to falter and fail.  Life became something unmanageable and he cracked.  The last of the prequels shows the mask being put on.  

How many masks have I worn?

It's not so hard to imagine.  One day a child.  The next the greatest of the Jedi.  Then the greatest movie villain of all time.  But in the end, a Father who saved the life of his son.  Who came back from the Dark Side and took off the mask.  Who saw his own face in his son and left the world a victor, instead of in defeat.

Vader.

Walk

it's been six weeks since I laced up a pair of boots.

injury doesn't help when it's your spirit and your sanity that's found out there on the trail.

Today I'm struggling.  I don't like writing when I don't have a nice way to wrap up the post at the end, but I just know that have to be real.

I want to walk. 

Not just up a trail in the mountains.  I want to walk away.

The figure walking off into the horizon.  

I'm done.  

I just don't know how to keep pushing and fighting with so much gunk being piled in front of me.  How do you keep being positive with a bum leg?  or a bum spirit?

"Every day is an adventure" - well for the last week or so every day has been a struggle.

And I've faced it.  Looked it in the face and tried to stay the course.  But I'm tired.

Just want to leave everything behind and go.

41 and I'm sad.  I'm torn with decisions that I know need to be made.  I didn't even attempt to make the bed this morning. LOL  Like a made bed is going to be some way of fighting away the demons that wrangle my thoughts and make me just feel shitty.

I've faced this fight many times.

I know that there isn't a magic pill or a way to just move around it, but I pray for that.  And for those of you who are going to worry about certain things from my past.  DON'T! 

I just want to walk.  To feel the breath in my lungs that helps me to live.

I don't want sympathy.  Just want to be clear that there are some days that just suck.

Walk away and see the sunset.   To feel the day ending.  Maybe these hard days will end as well.