Prayer for Peace

Some of us pray to God.

Some to Buddha or off toward Mecca.

There are those who worship nature or the spirits of the world, and there are those who don't pray at all.

But tonight I pray for something that I think we all can stand together in if we drop the Religion, Theology, Mysticism and Science that we serve.

Peace.

As I sit up way too late on Tuesday, just a couple of weeks away from Christmas, I find that there is only one thing that I truly want this year.  More of the peace that I've sought and found in spurts over the last three years.  Not a peace that comes from rallies with signs or an end to War, but the simple ideal that there is a new hope, a fresh morning and a chance to move away from the darkness that looms over our heads.

If one at a time we all said our own prayer for peace - in whatever fashion we choose - and looked inward toward the human pulse that does truly unite us, couldn't we make such a radical change on this planet. 

The thought is simple.  Implementation is where the work happens.  But it's only up to the individual to strive for more balance within.  There doesn't have to be some 'meeting', an alter call, a terrorist attack, or even a radical thought.  Just take a breath.  Stop in the daily commotion. 

And "give peace a chance".

Two, one two three four

Everybody's talking about

Bagism, Shagism, Dragism, Madism

Ragism, Tagism, this-ism, that-ism

Ism ism ism

All we are saying is give peace a chance

All we are saying is give peace a chance

Everybody's talkin' 'bout ministers, sinisters

Banisters and canisters, bishops and fishops

Rabbis and pop eyes, bye bye, bye byes

All we are saying, is give peace a chance

All we are saying, is give peace a chance

Let me tell you now

Everybody's talking about, revolution

Evolution, masturbation, flagellation

Regulation, integrations, meditations

United Nations, congratulations

All we are saying is give peace a chance

All we are saying is give peace a chance

Everybody's talking about, John and Yoko

Timmy Leary, Rosemary, Tommy smothers

Bobby Dylan, Tommy Cooper, Derek Taylor

Norman Mailer, Alan Ginsberg, Hare Krishna, Hare Hare Krishna

All we are saying is give peace a chance

All we are saying is give peace a chance

All we are saying is give peace a chance

~ John Lennon

Official Video for John Lennon's "Give Peace a Chance"

Another Man's Son

Walked many roads.

Climbed a few mountains...

A man walks down the street.  Out of the rubble of war, disaster, disease.  It's the story told in the book "The Road".  An apocalyptic tale of one man's struggle to survive and watch after the son who travels along side.

But this is real life.

I see Another Man and know his life.  I know the struggles he's personally faced and I have seen the hopelessness that envelopes all that is around him.  No matter what anyone may think, I may be the closest to him.  His eyes are my eyes.  His voice, my own.

And now I find myself wondering how I'll pass along his memory.  What do I say?  share?  As I prepare for the son who is fast approaching, how do I remedy my own past mistakes and time missed?

It's almost as if I'm being given the chance to raise the son He never had.  Maybe this is another of those moments where instead of analyzing, I should just do what I do pretty well - find the way to move on and embrace the path that I've been placed on.

Realize the blessings that I've been given.


The boy who is coming is my blood - my flesh - my seed.

But he's also the image of someone who won't be forgotten.  Through my eyes I hope to share a little about Another Man...

...to my son.

The Unexpected

Though we tend to mark history with time, a specific point in our day or week that helps us define life, I find that more often my own history is defined by moments.  Those places, people or events that I may or may not be able to recall the specific date or second, but I can tell you what I was wearing, what was going on around me and how the moment made me feel.

Graduating (finally) college - I have to think for a moment to remember the year (LOL), but I can tell you who sat beside me, how the fresh-cut grass smelled on the stadium lawn.

When the kids were born, especially my daughter.  How the pace of the day was so quick compared to my son's birth.  How I was sick and had to cross Peachtree Street to get medicine for myself at the drugstore.  The way my son was playing and grinning up at me from the floor of the room we were in.  How it felt to cradle Cambrey in my arms as she pronounced herself to the world.

The days I was alone - lost to the world it seems.  What terrible moments those were.  But never again.

So there are moments for all of us. Some are planned, but then there are those unexpected ones that stick with us and continue to fill us with the knowledge that everything in this life isn't scripted or planned to the half hour.

The first words of a babe.

The first time I looked out over the summit of blood mountain.  Heaving from the workout and perspiring, but at a loss of breath more from the view.

A smile shared unexpectedly.

Life being formed inside a mother's womb - kicking for it's time to share in the light.

The unexpected comes and we just have to embrace it - hold it and know that life is richer from those moments shared...

FOOTPRINTS

They last only moments.

The stretch of time that it takes to walk a mile can see them vanish in the winds brushing across the trail.  They are not permanent.  They are just us passing through this life.

At times they trudge through the muck and mire.  At other times they find clear passage.

As my life.

My feet are still finding their way.  The unique journey that I take is mine and mine alone.  It is shared.  It has special others whose steps parallel my own.  It has past journeys that have seen parting of company.

I see the days ahead full of new paths and even two new little feet.  

This week I've seen a change in the weather as fall ushers in, and in me I have seen a thoughtfulness that has lingered... a wondering of what changes my own life has yet to see.

We all live here.  We all breathe.  We all walk, and ultimately we all die.

What will be my footprint on this world?  As the mountains rise above me, around me - I know there are still many to climb.  There will be hard ascents and even harder times descending in the trials that WILL COME.  

But there will be strong Vistas.  Views only available if you make the climb.

I know I'll take some serious memories.  And hopefully leave my footprint!

margin

we run from activity to activity.  seeking more to fill every moment of our day.  seeking fulfillment that will satisfy.  but are we really finding any real purpose in all these multiple endeavors?

are you satisfied with your life on the run?  am I?

I hesitate for just a moment (long enough to look at the calendar and see where I'm supposed to be right now.).  

are we willing to allow a little margin?

I see friends and family that run, run, run.  Taking themselves and their kids from ballet to soccer to church to piano lessons to karate to who knows where.  I have adult friends that go from their jobs to teaching lessons to volunteer activities to the next community get together.

I've been them.  I've lived that life.

the page runs closer and closer to the edge of the sheet. the margins shrinking with each addition to the schedule.

create margin.  create space for you, for your family to breathe.  to find more life in moments.  there will always be the rush, the coming and going in our lives, but some days just need the clean white space created by plenty of margin.

On the Turning Away

It's been haunting me for weeks.  The lyrics and melody as if it was composed in some Romantic Poet's time.  The way it aches through my ears with a need to do something more with this life.

On the turning away
From the pale and downtrodden
And the words they say
Which we won't understand
"Don't accept that what's happening
Is just a case of others' suffering
Or you'll find that you're joining in
The turning away" 

   ~ Pink Floyd

The heart is always the gauge.  The heart, without blemish or strain can rise above the selfish manipulations our world or even our selves, to present us with opportunities to be better.

The heart's vision can be a crystal clear compass to a better way to live.

But there's just too much of the "turning away".  Too many times when that gauge is foggy or the compass pointing in the wrong direction...

Give me more of the positive.  Give me more time to find someone to help - someone to listen to.  And let it start with those that are closest to my heart.

No more turning away
From the weak and the weary
No more turning away
From the coldness inside
Just a world that we all must share
It's not enough just to stand and stare
Is it only a dream that there'll be
No more turning away?

No more Turning Away!!!

From Darkest Night

From darkest night to sun's first rays

when all is faded, among life's dismay

when the rumbling clouds awake my fears

that I've gone to battle, held back for years and year

The heart that's weathered a thousand days

still beats, but sometimes still loses its way

I run to where I know I can hide

most often someplace secret, deep inside

When I first felt the need to run

it was to safe myself from a broken son

and I find there are times when I still feel the pain

like opening up a scabbed wound again

The scars run deep and I usually find

that they seem so distant, like they weren't mine

But this week, these days have held them clear in from of me

Fear arises, and I can't help but see

How I'm still waking from this too-real dream

that I have faced it again - opened up to see

The vulnerable little boy within

still silly at times, but often still fighting to live

From darkest night to sun's first rays

Still walking with you, to find our way.

9/5/14

clc

Breathing Lessons

Breathe in...

out.

in...

out.


Even after all the travels of the last year, I still find it hard to breathe when leaving a patch of PERFECTLY GOOD LAND and taking to the skies.  I don't mind flying.  It's the take off and landings that really get me.

So I have to breathe.

In...

out.



Learning how to breathe on the ground, well that took a lot more than the few seconds it takes for takeoff to a new destination.  Each step used to be heavy, with my breath hard against my lungs.  The steps would go so slowly and each hill became an Everest, a monumental endeavor.  My chest would heave with the desire to fill, only to find shallow little breaths coming out.  That's how hiking, walking, even sitting in the car were.  Hard to find any balance when the air just won't help you.  The world  looked dark with no hope for any true depth.  A shallow monotone.  No adventure.  No life.

But most of that shallow breathing came from something beyond my physical shape.  It was born out of depression.  A symptom of my fears and insecurities.  The world around me then was teeming with others who were as tired and beaten as I was.  It's easy to stay in that world once you get there.  No real reason to get out.  Nothing to push you to greater things.  Even the "highest" moments are just little hills as I look back on them today.

I had to learn to breathe.  Along the path I met so many who were also wanting to find more.  To fly (maybe!).  They were men who shared the hardships I knew.  They were others who were learning to breathe at the same time.  I don't get the chance to talk to many of them now.  Sometimes you have to step out once you get the basics and find how to take in a 2 liter-sized gulp of Fresh Air by yourself and feel how it intoxicates your lungs.  How you can feel your body tingle from the freshness, the pure energy that is soaked up.

Some of those brothers are still learning to breathe.  Hell, I'm still working on it.  But I know that physically I can go climb a mountain and rise to the top and see the view - and know what it's taken to get there!

For all those still struggling to move on, I just ask you to get up.  Take that first step.  Go fill your lungs.  My mind often can't settle into deeper thoughts until I'm quiet - breathing - many times on a trail or a mountain.

"When on the mountains high….
I surrender, all I am
How I want to fly
Above the troubles
but I still stand
Because I’m just a man (who)
Believes

That all it takes is a man
Who will listen
And take a stand
And no matter who I am
I find the peace I need
And spread my wings…
And believe"

clc

Take a lesson from one who knows....

...gotta breathe!

Road Trippin'

14 days.  6 people.  1 small RV.

From Atlanta, Georgia to Los Angeles, California and everywhere in between.  Over the course of those two weeks I would see the Grand Canyon, Universal Studios, the Painted Desert, Carlsbad Cavern, Mexico and just about every major site in between (and many minor ones as well!).  

I grew up on these.  Trips around the country in the backseat of whatever vehicle we were taking.  We drove to Boston, to Washington, D.C., Florida, Alabama and of course California.

It's how I grew up and I find that I still love the thought of a road trip!  As an adult I've driven to Pennsylvania, New Orleans, the Carolinas, and recently to Michigan.

One summer I took a bus up through the midwest to Chicago and the surrounding area.  

So this summer I've found myself on another of these road trips.  The first one with my parents in over twenty years.  This time with my two teen-aged kids and my new wife!  We started in Seattle and drove down to Cannon Beach, Oregon.  I was apprehensive at first, but it was a good week with Fireworks, a Beach Wedding, Kite flying, and "Goonies"!

But I don't know if any trip will surpass the 'misadventures' of that trip out to California.  It was my Grandmother's last trip with us.  She'd pass the next year to cancer.  We slept all cramped up in this little Winnebago and crossed the horizon chasing the sites and the sun.  I couldn't truly appreciate all of it until now, years later - when I see my 15 year old son and 13 year old daughter in a car with myself or one of the grandparents traversing the countryside in search for something to see.

So I'm thankful for the time spent in a car, van, station wagon or RV!

...the lawn of the Kennedy Center - where I fell in love with music of the world!

...the Grand Canyon - where I still find myself looking towards in all my hiking!

...Boston - where I was allowed the freedom to roam through a city alone.

...and all the other places that helped shape parts of me.

So I guess it's not too soon to plan my next road trip.  Who knows where I'll end up!

Terms and Conditions

It's pretty clear.  It's a declaration, an oath, a vow.

Things that should never be taken lightly.  Purposes that are deeper than mere words or notions.

Rich Mullins has a song that seems to echo some of what I'm feeling this morning, sitting on the west coast in Cannon Beach, Oregon.  One day from signing on the dotted line...

"There's a loyalty that's deeper
Than mere sentiments
And a music higher than the songs
That I can sing
The stuff of Earth competes
For the allegiance
I owe only to the Giver
Of all good things

There's more that dances on the prairies
Than the wind
More that pulses in the ocean
Than the tide
There's a love that is fiercer
Than the love between friends
More gentle than a mother's
When her baby's at her side

So if I stand let me stand on the promise..."

I've been here before.  But this is uniquely different.  Where I've hidden my heart in the past - kept myself from truly opening up and growing with another person - I find myself incredibly vulnerable and wanting the stretch marks that come from allowing one person to come beside me and find solace in the union.

The terms...

"Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking,
It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

The conditions...

Forever - Always!

So I'll stand tomorrow.  Dressed up as this boy from Georgia can be.  Stand beside the person I've grown to not only love, but to cherish.  The words won't come close to what I find inside of me.  I just hope that they can somehow reflect all that I see ahead of us on this journey.

The Gift

I just finished reading "Into the Wild".  The book chronicles the short life of Chris "Alexander Supertramp" McCandless, a young man with a desire to leave civilization and live alone in the Alaskan wilderness.

It was a bitter sweet tome of a man's desire to find some missing piece, something that pulls at the heart and aches to breathe...  Something that I know my own heart has felt.   To walk away from the 'expectations' and 'rules' of our society and forge something blissfully unique and real.  Not just living off the land, but living in a spiritually heightened sense of being.

I find a taste of this when I hike out in the mountains or even just along the trails at Stone Mountain.

It was something that I thought I needed just a short time ago.  To walk away from Atlanta, from family and friends and to forge a new existence among the trees and hills.

And while there is still a need for that existence - - - - it's changed.  Maybe I'm growing up finally.  Maybe it's the two years that led up to a special night and a life-changing week that have turned my heart and my focus...  Instead of giving up on society as a whole, I find myself building bridges.  Starting new adventures and even seeing my life with someone.

The gift I want to give is me.  All I am.  First to my new wife (18 days to go).  Then to my kids - even the possibility of another little one.  And slowly letting my family back into my life.

I still need my time in the woods.  I'm thinking about writing a book.  Just my thoughts on life there versus the life we lead in the urban jungles.  Who knows!  But I do know that this life has been given as a gift and I will keep finding my time in the wild, but also taking each moment that I spend with Jenelle, my kids - those I care about as part of the experience.

McCandless' story ended alone.  I won't say more than that, look it up!  I want to share what I am - who I am with those who will listen.  Keep a conversation going with those that share my heart.  Keep breathing and giving!!

 

State of the Union

Spent the better part of last week roaming the Nation's Capital.  It had been years since I'd been there.  But not the first time I spent time alone in D.C.

I don't roam to be alone.  But it is a time when I feel the adventure of walking through somewhere new - to experience it without any guide - savor new surroundings.  I love those moments.  But I realized that there is a need to share this.  To find companionship that sometimes takes your hand and walks some of those miles with you.

So I walked through new parts of the city - camera at hand, thoughts toward all that brought me here.  This trip.  This time to roam - but not totally alone this time.

Dr. Seuss wrote a book (one of his last) called "Oh, the places you'll go!" and today I realize that I may not have gone to all the grand and glorious places in the world.  I may not have found the success that I often thought would come.  But I have been places.  Both in the world and in my spirit.  Places that have allowed me to roam free, yet also find someone to roam with.

----------

My eyes grew big at the sight of him.  We were walking through the night along the mall below the Washington Memorial.  There he sat.  A man who I feel had also roamed.  He wasn't a success story at first.  In fact, he was quite the failure as a politician.  But he had a passion and a drive that carried him from simple roots to being enshrined as one of our most beloved historical figures.  Lincoln sat looking at me through the darkened sky...

I will continue to roam and find new places.  I'm still finding where this path is taking me and I'm open to see all the wonders - even if it's just looking in the mirror and seeing a face that has shed some tears, but still continues to believe.  And it's nice to think of another's hand coming up and taking mine in theirs.  Just a super added perk to the journey.

To Touch Nature

I am not a tree-hugger.

In fact, I love the crackle and spark of wood catching fire at the end of a day in the woods.  The flames dancing and gyrating in some dance that only it knows the steps to.

But I digress.

My point is that I write this to get back to two things I truly love.  One, is taking my thoughts and putting them down in some type of organized fashion.  The second is getting back in touch with the wind, the stars, the mountains and the trees.

When I go on a hike - almost every hike - I find that I have to take just a moment to put my hand on a tree.  Feel the calloused bark that has weathered time and circumstance to still protect the sinew that runs underneath.  Take a green leaf in my hand and see the veins that take water throughout.  Feel the ridges that run it's green skin.

When I'm out there I'm alive.  Last night I went back to the top of Stone Mountain, the place I can get to the easiest to breathe.  Jenelle and I just did up and down, but it was still a few moments to realize that I'm just a small part of this world.  That I'm among many others who open their eyes fully in the presence of that large, granite structure.  Not a building made by man, but a physical eruption on the landscape that was crafted through the works of a higher being.

Never do I want to take for granted the ability to move one leg in front of the other and traverse the trail ahead.  I've spent times when I was injured and just plain miserable.  On Monday night I was reminded of the frailty of our bodies when I twisted my ankle at the beginning of a hike.  I didn't go down or put myself in the misery that I've felt at past times of injury, but I did slow (just a little) and felt each step with a little more awareness of the ground beneath and each uneven spot came with a slight wince and a focus on NOT DOING IT AGAIN!

I'm healthy.  For the first time in my life I feel that my body, my heart and my mind are in accord.  I'm not always as strong as I want to be, but I'm also never as weak as I thought I once was.  My heart, an issue last year right around this time, is stronger too.  It still has times when it beats just a little too fast, but I'm finding that sometimes that's just a reminder that I'm human and still going to have to push.  My mind is level.  A place I once thought was impossible to find.  I struggle at times, but who doesn't.

So I go out into the woods.  I seek the fresh air.  Hell, I even soak up the humidity that IS Summer in the South!

Just those moments to touch Nature help me commune with my spirit.  To reach inside and grab hold of something larger than I will ever be.  So if it's taking a walk, going on a bike ride, trekking through the North Georgia mountains, or even just going outside and seeing the color that is so present in all that grows around us - touch it... you might find that the breathe that you take will be fuller and open to whole new worlds of adventure.

WHITE KNIGHT

Sometimes our heroes fall.

And sometimes that white horse they ride isn't anything greater than an ASS!

We all fall - fail.  The greatest among us find themselves in places where they just can't stay upright in the saddle and they fall into the mud.  But I'm really talking about me.

I know who I am.  I know very well my short-comings and weak areas.  I struggle still with the balance that I've had etched into the skin of my arm.  That marking remains even when I fall on my face.

I'm not trying to dwell.  Just admit that my heart isn't always in tune with my head - or at least my heart.  My words come out sometimes and they sting.  They burn and char.  And in those moments I find the 'champion' that I want to be is nothing more than a scared child who still doesn't have a full understanding on how to do life.

So if the greatest of us have failed, what makes me any better?

Luke Skywalker
Ted (from How I Met Your Mother)
Doctor Who

Yes, they're fictional characters, but what about the REAL heores...

Abraham Lincoln
Mandela
St. Paul

I know I fell off the horse.  I felt the trembling and shakes that come from that realization.  I looked deep inside my heart and apologized.

I'm not trying to live up to a level that I'm not.  Just want to better express myself and no matter what - - - 
PICK MYSELF UP OUT OF THE MUD.

Then ride on!

Always!!

Not Easy Being Green!

I wear a lot of green. Earthen tones - browns, tans, khaki, grey.

What I don't wear much of is Red. Orange, Purple.  Bright colors.  I wonder sometimes if it's because I've always wanted to kind of blend in.  To hide.

It's not that easy being green
Having to spend each day the color of the leaves
When I think it could be nicer being red, or yellow or gold
Or something much more colorful like that

It's not easy being green
It seems you blend in with so many other ordinary things
And people tend to pass you over 'cause you're
Not standing out like flashy sparkles in the water
Or stars in the sky...

But I want to be bright!  To be like the colors of the rainbow.  To find more times when I look to the skies after the rain to hopefully glimpse a rainbow, and smile!

Kermit sang this.  And I know that even if I don't always wear bright clothes, that there are parts of my spirit that are brighter than anything I could have ever imagined. Getting brighter every day when I realize that I have more hope than I've ever had in my life.

Frustrating days come, and we have to go through those.  I just want to take the hand of the one I love, walk and talk, smile and laugh!

The lovers, the dreamers and ME!

Divorcing the Past

I've been through it.  It's not something I would wish upon anyone.

The process is a grueling stretch even under the 'easiest' circumstances.  With the added dimension of children, houses, retirement, etc. it becomes a nightmare.

Our past can be the same.  There may come a point where you have to STOP living in it and let it go.

I know it's what we have to draw on - our experiences.  Our memories.  But I've spent the better part of my life running, fighting, enduring what that past made me.  It's not always healthy.

So I am going to lay out the paperwork.  Set the terms.  Knowing that there will always be some lingering memories and thoughts.  Maybe even a good one or two.  But there needs to be a final decree.

Divorce it.

Draw solid boundary lines.

Let it be.

And find out what this life is with a fresh start, a new love, and some healing of my own...

Part 2

I saw his picture for the first time in years.  I've never sought him out.  Never wanted to see him face to face again.  Unsure what my reaction would be to any contact.  But there he was.  Mysteriously in my "people you may know" section.  After three years of never seeing anything on Facebook, it wasn't until two weeks ago that I saw him.

It brought tears.  Anger.  Confusion.

I'm tearing up just thinking about it - but this has to be written.  More for me to move through the residual pain than anything else.  This is the way that I work through it.  Pen to paper (well, maybe more typing to screen).

There is a restlessness inside when I think about how I had to hide.  Hide from myself.  Or hide myself.  Not sure which one is correct.  I've confronted my past in many ways.  I see that there is a developing story that I have the chance to write the ending.  The horror that I've known is just a memory.  It still resides, but it is only a lingering spirit that I know fades more and more with time.

But this time I actual saw the face.  The face of the man-child who would destroy any hope of a normal childhood.  But he's aged.  Has a family.  Has a wife and was smiling.

Part of me wants him to suffer.  But another part of me just wants to forget.

I've struggled the last couple of weeks with this.  But pushing down my feelings is never healthy.

I am MAD.  I am Overwhelmed with ANGER.  I am still trying to figure out how and why...

My scars run deep.  I've seen how it has directed much of my life.  Steering me into waters deeper than I was ready to swim in.  I'm one of the lucky ones though.  Somehow I found something deep inside that wouldn't die.  When everything around me was a storm, I found that I just wasn't willing to drown.

Oh, there are days when I feel it.  Right now and over the last weeks I've felt it.  But I don't want my life to be defined by my hurts.  I want more.

I went to lunch with my son today.  He's still such a kid.  I know that there is stuff going on emotionally inside him.  I know that he has gone through a lot with me not being there everyday and some of the pain of life that is just part of growing up.  But I wish him the fullness of growing into maturity - just a little at a time.  I want him to have no questions about who he is.  Let him find it with a smile on his face and a fullness in his heart.

I want to protect him.  But I know that there will be times of pain.  He's so much of me - and maybe that's part of this.  I get to see him grow in a different light.

I'm still unsettled by the face on the screen.  But I have faith.  I know that my life still has a lot of growth to come.  Seems like every day there is something new.

SO I CONTINUE THE JOURNEY...

from Georgia to Maine

2,181 miles.

The Appalachian Trail

Those who hike it straight through from it's beginning on Springer Mountain in Georgia all the way to Mt. Katahdin in Maine are 'through hikers'.  

Some take it in shorter increments.  These are "Section Hikers".

I am personally only twenty miles shy of doing the small amount in Georgia - about 80 miles.  Nothing compared to the challenge that those who put aside their lives to conquer the beauty and beast of the entire length.

But this weekend Jenelle and I took to the trails for an overnight trip from Amicalola Falls to the Start - the southern terminus to this great adventure of a hike.  We were just there to get our legs moving and spend a night in Nature's Call.  Along the way we ran into several that were starting the trek to Maine.  And it made me think.

Doesn't it take a special mentality to even fathom such an undertaking - let alone complete it?

• To do the full length one way can take anywhere from 5 - 7 months.  
• To weather the vast array of conditions.  
• To carry your house, your food, your clothing in a pack strapped to your back.  
• To leave the technology and civilization we are so accustomed to and disconnect from the world.
  
  

I don't know if I have the stamina or strength of will to do it.  And right now I'm just wanting to get the rest of Georgia completed.  But I do know something of the mindset that says "Nothing is going to stop me.  I'm not going to let anything stop me moving forward on this journey."

Every day.

Today I had to face some bad news.  I am bummed.  I am also frustrated.  But I can't sit and wallow.  I know that there will be other opportunities.  Other 'trails' and trials to face and forge ahead on.

So even if my feet never make it all the way to Maine - to Katahdin, I know that I'll push forward in the life that I've chosen.  The life with a new love, more time with my precious kiddos, and continuing to Traverse the Day!

March 31, 1973

Every life has a beginning. The moment when it awakens into this world.

Just like each spring we see new life, each life has a burst of joy of awakening and coming into this new experience

And just as clearly, each life is marked with death.

There comes a finality to our time here. No matter what your faith or beliefs, we will one day end the experience we have as breathing creatures on this planet.

Today marks a celebration. A reflection into a life lived.

Everyone of us has value, has meaning. Has some purpose here. It may not be totally fulfilled or realized until we have long gone and passed on, but there is a reason. There is a purpose that we were here to breathe, work and carry through on this planet.

Think a moment on what yours is. Don't be so selfish to think that this life is all about you, but think about all those that you affect with your life and how you live.

Only the truly isolated can be found without a mark left on this planet. We leave behind family, friends, loves.  We leave behind the work that we do. And even through struggles, it's looking towards the laughter, towards the times of triumphant victory that need to be our focus even in times of loss.

Remember the celebrations, the times of joy, the times of happiness and laughter.

And as I think about one who I've heard so much about, who has marked part of my life even without ever truly meeting, I reflect on the triumphs even out of despair.

So light a candle, smoke a cigar, raise a toast...

Leave a big enough mark and you're never forgotten. Part of you will be carried on in those who continue to tell your story - all that you did and what you left behind.

Tend the Earth

What do you do for the earth?  

Do you recognize the beautiful world around you?

Do you take the soil in your hands and rend it and prepare it for new life?

Do you find the moments to breathe in the crispness of the coming spring?

We've spent the last several weeks in the yard.  It's an activity I've found that lights up Jenelle's spirit.  We've walked through the garden area of Lowe's and she smiles a huge smile, usually with a cart full of color that will soon be planted, tended.

I may not share the love of this level of gardening or planting, but I do feel more at home when the sun is above my head - the fertile greens are around me and the hills are rolling ahead and behind of me.

I'm most at peace when I can walk in nature.  To feel my spirit rise with the winds rushing through the trees is a place where many of the stresses of life disappear for a time.

And watching her plant the many flowers that paint a rainbow throughout our yard let's me know that she has a place as well to let go and breathe.

Tend to your Spirit.  It will grow on you!

Allen Martin, Man of Character

I wish I was more like him.

I knew him for most of my life.  When he passed, I was aware of a presence that was missing, but it wasn't until much later that I found out just how much of an effect he had upon my entire life.

As I look back today, I notice that he was the one person that I knew I could always go to.  

He was born in Mableton, Georgia.  Across the tracks some would say.  I didn't find out much about his upbringing until I chose to do a report on him in middle school.  Out of the depression, he worked, married the woman he loved, raised a family, built churches and played softball!

I remember the last day that I saw him.  It was shortly before his death and I wept at his feet.  I felt like I had let him down.  It was Christmas 2006 and I was a mess.  My life had started to crumble around me and I spent most of that Christmas morning curled up in a ball in my Aunt's downstairs bedroom.  I remember it as one of the lowest moments of my life.  And I came to him.  After everyone had settle into different parts of the house, I came and just wanted to be near him.

I didn't know it was the last time I'd see him.  He told me that I was going to be ok.

I heard his voice one more time on the phone.  When I called him to seek some sense out of all I was experiencing.

Again, he assured me that I would survive and that I could keep moving forward.

My grandfather was a man of Faith.  A man I always looked to.  I don't necessarily find my faith in the same ways that he did, but much of how I live comes from how he presented himself.  How he always encouraged my writing.  He even had his secretary take some of my early attempts at poetry and prose and type them for me.

I saw him loose his true love.  An event that I will never forget or let slip from my mind.  He met my grandmother when she was just a teen, and they married secretly.  He had only that one love.  She passed of cancer and I stayed with them the summer before she died.  He drove her over an hour once a week to Atlanta to seek treatment.  He pushed her through the doors of the hospital and spent countless hours seeing her through an ordeal that I didn't quite understand even though I witnessed much of it.

I saw him praise her and cry for her.  He loved her.

In college I moved in with him.  I treasure those years as some of the greatest in my life.  He told me to go and to experience.  He had his own life and was dating.  In fact he dated more than I did.  I knew he was there, and I didn't want to disappoint him, but he let me make mistakes and didn't seem to judge me.

He called most of us "George".  and he was always able to find a glimmer of lightness out of even the hardest situations.  He had moments when I lived with him that I saw some of the hard times, but I always knew he had a pretty good grasp on life and how to live it without compromising who he was or what he believed.  And he used laughter often and deeply!

He was always tinkering.  I hated that then.  The cars, the houses, the projects... Oh, but that's the subject of another blog!  He was always working on something, trying something out (often with my Uncle's help).  The city of Carrollton finally made the two of them get rid of some of the used car lot/junkyard on the front lawn!

He loved Baseball and I often sat and watched parts of games with him when I lived there.  It was a love that I share with him now, and as Baseball season is starting, I can see him sitting in the recliner downstairs with the commentators muted - just enjoying the game.  I love that image, and when I stop long enough I find myself enjoying the same.

But the reason this is really on my mind is that I know, even with his faults, and he had them, he was one of the greats.  I miss him.  I miss knowing that I can reach out and talk to him and hear his advice - even when it's contrary to what I wanted to hear.  He was crucial to who I am today.  And I hope that one day, when I am nearing my end, I will be called a "Character", I mean a Man of Character like him!

"To Win The War"

 

"The Empire Strikes Back" was a failure.  That statement alone could get me banned from some sci-fi communities.

But it's true.

Not in a cinematic sense.  But in the story.

The Empire wins this one.  The rebellion is struck and scattered.  They lose the battles on Hoth.  They flee to the ends of the universe - divided and nearly decimated.

Our hero, Luke.  Escapes death at the hands of a steroided Snow Beast to go to the swamps...

Han and Leia play the part of the pin ball in an asteroids machine.  Then find themselves charmed and sold out to Vader and the bounty hunter "Fett".

But the battles that are the center of this story are Luke's own.  His fears in the cave.  His anger and frustrations when told he should abandon his friends.  His bravado that would turn into a cowering boy hanging limp and alone - under the clouds...

Luke loses more than a hand.  He loses his purpose.  The cave was right.  He has found that all the life he's lived was built upon lies that were fed to him by those who cared for him.  Everything that he believes has to be dissected and found as truth or lie.

There are some battles that we lose.  Vader comes out of the cave and enters into life.  In the midst of misplaced bravado, or just undeserved moxie we think we can handle the battle.  Facing it with everything that we have at that moment, we stand...

...only to fail.

We lose in that moment.  The realization that life has setbacks is hard, but it's true.  Sometimes you have to lose the battle to ultimately win the WAR!

So at the end...

Han Solo frozen in Carbonite.

Chewbacca and Lando flying off in the Falcon to rescue him.

Leia, caught in her feelings for Han and unaware of her family lineage.

Luke Skywalker.  The hero.  Beaten.  Now aware that everything he has known has changed, before his eyes.  What next?

Well of course, he "Returns"!

Parallels...

The similarities are striking at times.  The paths that follow such a familiar course.  The echoes of my own life... but not my life.

I am who I am today because of the many paths that I've taken.  The direction hasn't always been clear, but as I look back, I see how it brought me to the place I sit at right now.

There is joy in knowing all that I've done to climb the mountain.

There is sadness at some of the valleys I've prevailed through.

As I'm looking back for a moment, I see a path just behind me that seems to run along the same lines.  It is an incomplete path, but one that followed mine without me even knowing it was there.

There are people that we resonate with.  Some are family.  My brother and I shared a very similar path growing up, only to go on two very distinct tangents as we left the safe confines of the University and sought out our own lives away from family and the structure of the church.  My best friend followed a path that only mirrored mine in light brush strokes, but now is more like what I was once on - teaching and communicating with students.

I don't know where this alien path originally came from, and there are places where it doesn't even come close to mine.  But we come to these crossroads and if I take a moment now and reflect, I see the traces of someone else who lived through the destruction.  Through the silence that was forced upon him for years.

I wish I could show him the MANY, MANY others who I've met that let me know that I wasn't alone in this journey.  Once I felt like I was the only one who carried this ugly burden.  Then I met others who's parallels were comforting even in their pain.

The lines seem like they've grown.  They are beside me - some ahead in the journey - some mirroring my own closely.  And there are many that just stop.

I'm crying right now for those.  If they only knew that there were others to reach out to.  That this life isn't meant to be lived alone.  That we need others to help us to stand at times.  Not to carry us, but to help us know that there is light ahead.

I'm about to get over to Stone Mountain.  I need to get to the top and unload some of my own struggles.  

It's a place I have found peace at many times over.

And it's where I met a person who had some parallels in her life as well...

WEEDS

I've always wanted the love story.

It has been the one thing that has driven me for most of my life.

But there is a difference between romance and love.  Between those first moments of infatuation and lust to the true deeper devotion and dedication to another person that comes from a lifetime.

The poet in me thrives on romance and the thought of the magic that comes from someone who just messes with your insides and lights you on fire.  And that fire won't die within me, the desire to still light the night with the love shared with someone so special.  It is a part of the makeup of who I am.  I’ve always known this – just never experienced it.

But…

The realist in me knows that there is so much more than just these moments.  There are times when it's hard. There are times when you're sick, where you're aching - when one if you is hurting.  There are times where all the reservoirs inside you that have been so full at times are drained to almost empty.  I've seen many people walk away at these moments.  I've actually been a in a relationship that it ended because there wasn’t anything to hold on to - because it wasn't true.

Decision is really this,  do you want just a small flame that flickers out with the first blow of the wind, or a raging, burning fire the can't be put out no matter how much the forces around you blow on it, trying to just vanquish it.

I found the love that I've always wanted.  I’ve documented it here on this blog and on Facebook and so many other ways.  I'm sure that some of you out there may even get tired of seeing the pictures and the comments.  But I don't care!

I find myself quiet today.  Not wanting to say too much, because I just know that I’m tired – that I’m drained.  In these moments,  I want to be the devoted man and soon-to-be husband.  My insides may be running low, but that doesn't take away how I feel and what I desire - what I want with the person that I love.

It's funny, I know spring is almost here, and I was outside yesterday working on weeds.  Have to keep taking care of the things that matter to you. You can't let them go, and you can't let them just not be seen or heard.  If you love someone, let them know.  Just let them know your heart and let them know that you care about them and that you will be there for them.

The weeds that I've been pulling have such a small root and come out quickly and easily - just takes a little time on your hands and knees, and then putting down something to keep them from coming back once they wither away.  Inside my heart there's something much deeper.  It's more like the roots of a large oak that spread on the ground below our feet that can't be seen. It's still growing and it's still really young, but I know that there is something truly deep there that is just waiting to build deep, deep roots and bloom.

a Life with You

“What does that mean to you?” she asked.

thought about this a good bit today...

Sitting and listening through tears, as we walk through learning and understanding. 

Holding hands.  A kiss at night, sometimes under a blanket of stars. 

Hope.  The first time I’ve felt that in years.

Waking each morning to her face.  And falling asleep beside her.  Listening to the rise and fall of her breath in my ear…

Knowing.  Beyond any doubt that all the waiting and praying was worth it.

A devotion to a person, proven over time, but known deep in the heart from the beginning.

That’s just a little of what a ‘life with you’ means to me.

Happy Valentine’s Day Jenelle!

2/14/14

Chad