Boundless Possibilities

Life brings us boundless possibilities. Like a butterfly fluttering from this place to that, there are so many choices at our disposal, so many opportunities, so many adventures to take, trails to wander on…

So many things.

Some of them lead to destruction, some of them will lead us to life. Truth is, a lot of that is up to us. There’s chance and there’s circumstance, but we do make most of the decisions that lead us down the paths that we travel. 

Sometimes it’s just a chance meeting… 

The problem is often we are so bound by our past, so bound by our hurts that we can’t even look at the possibilities that are right in front of our face. I was told that to find healthy, you need to be healthy. That to have better opportunities you needed to be in a place where you can take hold of those opportunities, because they attract each other. Not saying that you have to be perfect, because damn, I’m not! But we have to be moving forward. Even if moving forward often seems like a snail chasing after an inchworm! 

There are so many gifts that we can give this season, but one of the biggest gifts we can give ourselves might be to sit down and unwrap all the tinsel and wrappings, the ribbon and open up and let go of what binds you. 

That might lead to some serious possibilities.

And I know this may seem scary. Opening up a box of our past and hurts isn’t easy. I’m not trying to make it seem like you can just sit down and fix everything. But to keep those things boxed up starts to eat us up inside. It becomes a weight, an anchor that binds us.

I do understand. I’m still working on myself every day. Let me know if I can help, because I’ve been there (Hell, I’m often times still there!). Oh, and if you really want help, I can tell you about a man who was born around this time… He came to change the world. And regardless of your religious slant, he’s been talked about for over two thousand years. Maybe there’s something to that?! 

~ Peace

The Burtle

4

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Courage to change the things I can. And the wisdom to know the difference”

I’ve heard and said that prayer easily over 1000 times now. Simple guidance toward peace.

Tomorrow is four years. If you know me, you know what that means. And I’m very, very thankful. There are so many verses in scripture that describe getting out of the muck and the mire, or him lifting you and putting you on a rock, all those things…  Quite simply, He saved my ass. And my soul!

If you asked me four years ago what was important, I think the list would look so much different than it does today.  No, I know it would. 

The list today:

Safety, security, serenity, hell, even sanity! 

Before then I had none of those. Everything was a mess. Every day. 

I was a mess.

And honestly, I’m still a mess… Ask my sponsor (bless his heart!), my adopted mom, ask those who really know me. But it’s a fun mess… One that actually cares about what’s coming next and wants to do the best he can in this life. For me… Not for anyone else. 

I’m so blessed to be here breathing!!

I still have struggles, and I still have a whole lot of just ‘life’. I’m going to be working on that for the rest of my life. This last weekend has been no exception to that. Highs and lows that are part of this journey. Some moments of true joy and also a moment when I cried my eyes out to my sponsor on the phone.

I’m thankful I get to do that! Work on me and try to be loving and kind of those around me. AND to be loving and kind to myself. That took a long time to understand! (Still a struggle if I’m honest)

So if you know me, thank you for being part of this. Because I COULD NOT DO THIS without all of you. I thought about doing a list of everyone who’s been a part, but it’s just a mountain of people that God has placed in my path.

Thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

For being part of this journey…

One day at a time.

~ Peace

The Burtle

Hero

I’ve probably spent too much time in my past reading, studying and thinking about the Hero’s Journey. Something Joseph Campbell put together in his books about society and culture from history, myths to science fiction to real life. There’s a hero’s journey that most of us go on, some more epic than others, but there is this quest that takes us through our darkest parts into the light. Luke Skywalker, Jesus, Moses, and so many of the fables from our past. Most action and adventure movies have a version of this (think Thor in Avengers:Endgame)

I know I’ve written blogs before about my own journey, but that isn’t my focus right now. The truth is, sometimes our Hero is that person who’s just there all the time.

My nine-year-old son was asked to write a 5 to 6 sentence paragraph to explain who his hero was. I was excited when he told me that was the topic for the week. 

“Who did you write about?”

“I chose my mom.”

And for a fleeting moment my heart sunk. I think every father wants to think their son considers them their hero.

It hurt. Really hurt.

But the truth? He picked the right person. I’m not her biggest fan, but if I look at the situation from outside of my own emotions, even with all of our past, which there’s a lot, she has been the constant in his life, and I thank her for being a good mom.

I could easily be bitter, and of course I’m a little hurt. But I’m thankful to have the relationship I do have with him. Because four years ago I squandered that away. I didn’t care. About him or about myself. About anything.

Every day I thank God for my kids, this life, my sobriety. Yes, I’m sober (4 years in 7 days). And it gave me back time with my kids that I would not have had otherwise. My hero gave…

As for my 9 year old - 

He Didn’t pick me. 

But I pick him.

And I love him everyday.

~ Peace

The Burtle

Finding Nemo, well actually just Finding Ourselves

Ever been lost in the woods? Deep, dark forest with no reprieve of moonlight or star shine.

It gets pretty damn cold and damp - like soul sucking dark there.  It can be a scary place.

Sometimes that’s where my soul wants to roam off to.  I don’t always know why, but it does.  Maybe it’s my past calling to distract the healthier man I’ve become.  Who knows?

Being lost sucks.  There is a searching to find ourselves. No matter where we are there’s a moment when we realize that we’re lost, that we’ve become someone else.  Some stranger - possibly like Mike Meyers or Jason Voorhees (hopefully not QUITE like those characters!).  

We need to look down, look around and start seeing the person who we really are inside. It may be a long journey or maybe something that comes rather quickly. But we get to do this. We get to find ourselves (who we truly are), what makes us tick, makes us smile and also what makes us cry. Then we get to put all those things together in one beautiful package that’s really not about the outward looks, but what’s inside… 

And that’s where the glow comes from. It does show on our outside, but it starts with that little spark inside our heart.

And in that searching, in that finding we’ll start finding more of the light.

Let your TRUE LIGHT SHINE!

~ Peace 

The Burtle

Thanks RC for the words and thoughts!

Parable of the Hole

There was a man who had a hole. Not quite like a well, not a cave. But a big empty space that sat beside him. 

He spent his days pouring into this hole; his life, his affections, his energy, his finances, his desires, his life. 

Yet, no matter how much he poured into the hole, it would not be filled. It continued to seem as deep and as dark as it was at the beginning. 

He would spend his days working and toiling - striving to fill the hole with accomplishments and success.

At night he would throw his debauchery and desires into that same hole, always expecting it to rise to the top. Awakening each morning, he would find the whole empty and as cold and desolate as the day before.

He found love and threw it into the hole as well. With all the true intentions of someone who thought he found the answer. He poured his heart and his soul into the hole. He stood peering beside the hole with the person he thought would fill it and waited. 

The hole remained.

At one point, feeling broken and betrayed, he threw himself into the hole. Surely this sacrifice would fill the void. Lost in the darkness, he thought he would succumb and the hole would disappear with him.

It did not. 

And he did not. 

Lonely, tired and weary, he prayed.

How do I fill this hole?

A voice said, “you fill it with love. And you fill it with me.”

Soon after the man found others who had also sat beside a hole. He opened up his heart and instead of trying to fill the hole, he started to fill others. He gave and he tried to listen, he learned and he started to walk. Instead of focusing on the gaping hole beside him he focused on the world around him and others along the path.

Slowly, not noticing it from this new direction, his whole began to fill.

Not with self-seeking or anything he had done, but in finding hope.

Together now with others along the path, seeding love and patience where there had been loneliness and loss, his emptiness is filled.

~ Peace

The Burtle

Parable of the Moon

She stands and faces the Tempest, rising like a city from the depths of the sea. Wanting to hold back the waters, she plants her feet firmly in the sand. How firmly can that truly be though? It’s sand.

And she waits. 

The waters have always ebbed and flowed, but this storm rises above anything she’s ever known, anything she’s ever faced.

And she feels all alone. 

There’s always been a part of her that’s felt alone. Facing the sea, facing each storm. Facing life. 

Until she looks back over her shoulder, looking up and catches a glimpse of the moon.

She realizes…

The moon has sway over the waters, it directs the waves and it swallows up the depths with light reflected from the sun. 

It’s constant in its orbit, showing up whether behind a tapestry of clouds or full as the harvest moon that shown a few nights ago. 

The realization that she is standing there not alone, but watched over by the spirit that resonates the light is like a lightning bolt to her soul.

Yes, she will face the Tempest. But she doesn’t face it as a lone soul deafened by its wake. She faces it as one of many. One among others who have seen the moon. Who know its power and it’s source.

The storms will come. The waters will rise.

But she is not alone. 

She is standing, Under the moonlight. 

~ Peace

The Burtle

“Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble, and he brought them out of their distress. He stilled the storm to a whisper; the waves of the sea were hushed. They were glad when it grew calm, and he guided them to their desired haven.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭107‬:‭28‬-‭30‬ ‭NIV‬‬

“As they sailed, he fell asleep. A squall came down on the lake, so that the boat was being swamped, and they were in great danger. The disciples went and woke him, saying, “Master, Master, we’re going to drown!” He got up and rebuked the wind and the raging waters; the storm subsided, and all was calm. “Where is your faith?” he asked his disciples. In fear and amazement they asked one another, “Who is this? He commands even the winds and the water, and they obey him.””

‭‭

Luke‬ ‭8‬:‭23‬-‭25‬ ‭NIV‬‬

the Misfits

I’m proud to be a misfit. 

I’ll own it and wear it and even put a bow on it (if needed!).  Maybe a T-shirt with a logo.

Because this is who I am.  I have stuff, I know I have stuff and I get to own my sh*t, I mean stuff!

Most of us misfits do.

I want to be the anomaly I am.  The dichotomy of all the things that make me the unique person I’ve been and I’ve become.

And wouldn’t life be boring if we were all the same cookie cutter human beings that has so long been the goal… No longer, not here - not me. I’m sure there are some of you who still want that. And good for you. If that’s who you are, claim it and go after it. But me, my life has been unconventional. That’s a very light way of putting it. And in my 5th decade I realize that it’s good. I’m glad that I haven’t had the same path I thought I would be on. Makes for a much better documentary when I finally expire lol

Own your self. 

That may sound like an odd statement, but I simply mean find out who you are. And when you do find out, own it. 

I sat with a jewish couple yesterday at their house and the gentleman had this wonderful collection of cowboy hats. I asked him about them. He said he just liked hats. He put one on, showing me his ‘dressing in a suit’ cowboy hat, a beautiful black Stetson. Then he showed me his every day fedora. And then his white, beautifully woven hat with a feather tucked in the band.

He knew who he was. I told him I have a Tilly, a similar type hat, more for outdoors and hiking that I keep in my truck for when I get on the trails. I told him I wasn’t quite that comfortable wearing it anywhere else yet. His wife looked at me and said, ‘you get to decide that. Don’t let others make you feel uncomfortable. Own it.’

I thought about that the entire drive home last night. A 6+ hour nightmare of a drive from Savannah to Atlanta in the pouring rain (And this was before the hurricane that’s supposed to be coming in this evening).  It was a lot to chew on. And I realized it was good. We need people to spark our thoughts and help push us into new directions. Doesn’t mean we have to change everything, but it might just open up a new thought or path for us.

It also may help us realize that the misfits that we are, well they are pretty damn beautiful. And that instead of hiding them, I personally need to embrace it. And I’m so thankful I get to.

So, I get to decide. 

Which part of the unicorn am I going to be today? 

All of it. 

That’s who I am :-) 

~ Peace

The Burtle

What’s Your Superpower?

Michael Keaton. Comedic actor that had a couple of big hits in the mid to late 1980s. Mr. Mom, Night Shift and of course Beetlejuice… Beetlejuice Beetlejuice lol. 

And then it was announced that he was going to star in a new movie. An action movie. Michael Keaton was going to be Batman. 

Say what?! 

Michael Keaton could never be Batman. This is a comedy guy. This is someone who made his bones as a standup comedian then as a lovable energetic goofball. 

Batman? 

I remember going to the Thursday night… actually 12 AM Friday morning screening of Batman when it first was coming out. It was a packed. And whether it failed or succeeded, it created quite a buzz. Finally, there was a Batman movie. The last big superhero was Superman and Christopher Reeve owned that part (still does almost 50 years later).

I sat and watched. I was mesmerized. 

Michael Keaton absolutely WAS Batman. 

There was a hidden darkness and also intensity that had been part of his comedy but now through the black cloak and mask it was near perfect. The dark knight was menacing, almost smiling as he pummeled criminals. His Bruce Wayne was complicated and a little unnerving.

Who would’ve ever known? 

Sometime heroes are unlikely. 

I won’t go into my Batman rankings, though I will tell you, Ben Affleck is pretty damn low on the list… Christian Bale.  Definitely a close second overall.

Each of us has a superpower. I truly believe that. I know people who can kill you with kindness, and those who make you feel so beautiful with just the right word or tone.

I know two kids who have shown strength and resilience greater than the strongest people I’ve ever met. They’ve been through hell and they are still here.

I’ve seen others that have accomplished physical feats that marvel me - like the G.O.A.T. who took Atlanta to task at the Super Bowl several years ago. Still pissed about that one.  Brady could unretire today and probably put a team on his back and win (hmm, Atlanta.  Guess you missed on that one).

My own superpower, I don’t go away. I come back. Call me resilient man. And you may not agree with that, but I get to pick my own superpower, like the kids in the playground years and years ago.

I Fucking show up.

Even sometimes when I shouldn’t. But that is part of being resilient. You make mistakes, but you still bounce back.

And you’ve got a superpower too.

What is it?

Are you able to bring peace into a hostile situation with just your presence and a few calming words?

Do you have the power to stand in the gap for people who just can’t stand for themselves? Are you the leader who helps change the world to make things better? Do you have the power of listening? I’m working on that one.

Not everyone’s is the same. If all the superheroes  in the Justice League had the same power it would get pretty damn boring. And they probably would be a fight over who was the best. AND NO ONE WOULD WIN CAUSE THEY ARE ALL THE SAME - kinda like how well Stormtroopers hit their targets.

I don’t think Batman could take Superman in a fair fight, but I have a feeling he would have some kryptonite up his sleeve. And Wonder Woman - She could probably kick both their butts.

What I’m really trying to get at is that we have the ability to reach inside ourselves and find a power that is greater than ourselves. And in my own beliefs, I believe that God will lead you to that power. It’s really him, I just get to use a little bit of it while I’m here. Kind of like the Greatest American Hero put on that ugly red suit and tried to help others while still not understanding exactly how it all worked.

Again…

What’s your superpower?

Oh, and what color cape?

 ~ Peace

The Burtle

And about capes…

https://youtu.be/JSfG3slODnM?feature=shared

Above the Bellowing Crowd

There is a cacophony of voices.

“Turn left!”

“Go right!”

“This is the way!”

“No, this way!”

What are we really listening for? What does your heart tell you? 

I have my opinions, and I’ll share some of them. Politically, honestly, I think we’re all fucked! 

Who is the loudest, who can make the biggest point, who can steer you the furthest away from the other side? I don’t know. Doesn’t seem like love and kindness to me. 

It seems like chaos. 

I want you to have your opinions. I definitely have mine, even if they do seem radical and pretty crazy lol 

But when did we start letting the crowd, the horde, the mob run us into insanity? I think I remember a crowd of worked up individuals, marching a man up a hill to die on a cross…

Because it seems like insanity. Politically, I’ve taken this week to listen to both sides. It seemed like a pretty important week to do that. But I didn’t immerse myself simply on one side. I took time to listen to both side’s sources. Something I don’t often do. And I realized that both of them seemed to be beating a message into my mind that didn’t make sense.

I stopped listening.

Because it just became noise. 

I’m not saying rhat there aren’t valid points to the arguments.  I’m simply stating that you will NEVER sway me with yelling Rhetoric. Abusing both sides. Making it a fight about personalities and not principles.

The best discussions I’ve had in the past about this have been just that, discussions.  No yelling, no name calling.  Simply talking.  Maybe not totally understanding, but to listen.  For both of us to be heard.

One of my dearest friends and I had a pretty heated discussion about this a few years ago. And then at some point during the conversation I realized that the relationship with this human was much more important than red or blue. Because he’s my brother - at least he’s been a brother to me. 

I will listen.  Promise, I’ll try.

If anyone wants to have a conversation about this with me, I will do everything I can to calmly listen and try to understand. And I hope that you will do the same for me. Listen to what I believe. 

I’m not trying to change you. But I would like to hear you. 

Above the bellowing crowd.

~ Peace

The Burtle

The Teacher

The teacher sits 

front of the room

his mind already at the task

Students file in

They take their seat

They begin to ask

“Teacher, why?

How did this…?

Who won the Peloponnesian war?

When did we integrate?

What started Civil Rights?”

He lets them open the door…

And the teacher smiles 

seeing the mind of a child

The class moves on

And then the years

The teacher wonders where he’s at

He still has so much

to give away

If only someone would ask

“Teacher, if?

Tell us just how…”

His passion to give

never fades

Body fighting

‘His disease’

An ailment deep within

Instead of laying down

Burying his soul

He finds he’s teaching again

“How do I move?”

Brain’s still awake,

“So much left to do”

He learns to say…

“I’m fighting

And I’m still growing

Today.”

The teacher sits

across from me now

Does he know 

how much I’ve learned 

From his words,

But more his heart

Maybe he’ll discern…

Teacher, teach

My friend, we all learn.

07/28/24

clc

Thank you, Richie.

~ Peace

The Burtle

Miles Apart

I’m not sure if anyone knows how much I truly miss my son.

Just to be clear, I have three kids. I love each of them. And each differently.  But this is about little man.

While I don’t know how much my older two remember about when they were super young, I know that I missed big chunks of time living a couple hours down the road from them. And it was hard. It was like there were two different lives going on at the same time - sometimes they converged and sometimes they didn’t. 

Both of them are in their 20s now and I’m thankful that they’re both close by and I get pretty frequent snapshots of what’s going on with them, either in person or through phone calls and texts. Sometimes of big ass tattoos that have mysteriously appeared on my daughter’s body!

On the other hand, I choose not to say too much about how I feel about little man, the distance. The disconnect.

I talk to him every day. And we get to have conversations on FaceTime about Legos and movies and Chris Pratt (who he adores) and the adventures that he’s going on out on the West Coast. 

I love to hear about his life. 

And I fucking miss him. 

Every. Single. Day. 

I choose not to wallow in it regularly, but tonight I’m wallowing. I’m sad and emotional about it. Torn up actually. 

Does he know how important he is? I don’t know. And I won’t swim in that sea. I’ll just drown there if I do that. What I can do is keep communicating. Send him a book every once in a while, make sure I remember the important things in his world. Not so much the important things in mine (he’s 9 - he’s living his life).  I get to be a part, even if I’m often times apart..

Just over a month ago I got to be part of his crossover ceremony into Weblos. That’s his next scout rank. I’m so thankful he has that organization, even though it’s changed quite a bit from what I remember… And the group of kids that he’s becomes super close to, including their families. I feel like it’s a good, safe place for him.

But it doesn’t replace the fact that there’s 2500 miles between us. And it doesn’t replace the fact that tonight, tearfully, I’m going to bed, knowing that it will be another couple of months before I see him. 

I feel like a failure as a dad most days, but days like today, when I’ve already been fighting something all week physically, it’s just shit. 

The question I have been asked most often by people I meet when learning about where he lives:

“Isn’t that hard?”

You have no idea.

I’ll say a little prayer for him, my other kids. They are ALL so important to me. I hope the other two know that I hold as much love for them.

And I’ll pray for all those close to me.

And wish upon a star (if I’m even up late enough to see the stars) and hope…

~ Peace

The Burtle 

Hope

I got triggered tonight at a meeting. Wasn’t expecting it and I wasn’t in a bad place, but it was definitely a slap in the face type reminder of the reality of life without hope.

Of the past.

It’s such an easy word to overlook. Hope. But yet it can center our beings to believing there might be something more, there might be something worth pushing through the hard, waiting for the miracle or just waiting for someone to say “hey, do you need to talk?”

What triggered me tonight was the memory of a time when I had no hope. Not even a sliver. I was cursing life, cursing those around me and cursing God. Also, I wasn’t taking responsibility for my own actions, but instead making my drama unfold in front of the world like an actor who just has to be the star of every scene.

And I was dangerous. Not to anyone else, but to myself.

You can’t see hope. You can’t bottle it. You can’t order it on Amazon and you damn well can’t produce it from a dry well.  I had nothing inside me that saw Hope.  I was pretty pathetic in that time actually.

Thankfully, that’s not the present. What I have now is an understanding that I’m not alone. Those hopeless feelings are never gone, but they are remedied daily by a good dose of prayer, people, and hell, just breathing and taking in the world around me.

I can see the beauty. I stop and take a lot of pictures of flowers, birds (when I can catch them), honeybees, butterflies, mountains… You name it, it’s important to me. Because those subtle reminders help me see that life continues on.  That I can breathe - and yes, I have to remind myself as well. (I know there are some of you that think I need to stop saying that damn word to you all the time!!).

Hope also stems from finding something that I truly believe in that is much bigger than myself. God. My higher power loves me and guides me.  Even when I’m drifting around like I feel like I’ve been recently, I know that God is always there.

And once or twice a day I also have a group of crazy, caring human beings that love me and show me that I’m important.  That I belong.

Rainy days, Mondays, sad days, days when the air conditioner goes out and it’s 85° in the house (that was this last weekend), all are easier to manage with a little hope. 

Like I said before, I can’t tell you how to find it. I just think it’s there ready for us when we’re ready. When we’re truly open to it. 

When we’re willing.

One step at a time. 

~ Peace

The Burtle

Another Man’s Shoes

“Everyone's got their own set of troubles

Everyone's got their own set of blues

Everyone's got their own set of struggles

Walk a mile in another man's shoes”

~ Drew Holcomb

Do we ever really know what’s going on in the mind and hearts of those around us?  Is there heartache, loss, fear, solace, happy anticipation, giddiness?

Is that kid that continually kicks the soccer ball next door going inside at dusk to an empty pantry and an empty stomach? What about the couple that are fighting - disillusionment in each other as their 9 month old just won’t sleep for more than an hour or so through the night?

How do we ever know what’s going on around us if we keep the visors on, our heads down, burying ourselves in our own troubles? It’s so incredibly easy to not engage. Me personally, I know that I can stop and talk to someone on the street, but that doesn’t mean I truly open up to what they are dealing with. And a lot of times I just don’t want to.

Love your neighbor. 

But do we even know our neighbors? 

I’ve been living on this side of Atlanta for about 10 months now. And I’ve walked this area pretty intensely. On my good weeks I walk several miles a day, watching and taking in everything around me. I can tell you what cars park at certain houses, I know where some of the kids that roam the neighborhood live or at least where they congregate when they’re about to get into trouble. And I know where the pretty rose garden is in front of that small house on the main strip. 

But I don’t really know the people. And this is my community. 

And then I have my other community - the groups that I attend that are so vulnerable and raw, so real. And even there it’s easy not to open up and get to know anyone past what they share when we’re all gathered.  But there comes a choice.

Do we really want to know? 

Do we want to know and do we want to walk a mile in another person‘s shoes? Do we want to take up their story and add it to our own, and do we want to invite them to be part of our lives? 

Selfishly, I often don’t. But I know I need community. There is something about being vulnerable that is scary as hell but it’s also honest, and when you find people who you can start to trust, you realize you’re not alone. And beyond that big dude upstairs (if you subscribe to that version of a ‘higher power, infinite being, spirit of the universe’), we need more people on our side down here :-) 

So maybe it’s time to open up just a little bit more. I’m not saying drop all your boundaries and throw yourself to the mighty winds of the universe. But I do think it’s important for me that I try to be open. Try to be available when I can. And try to get to know some of the people that are in my neighborhood.

My community.

~ Peace

The Burtle

Listen to this!!

Sometimes We Walk Away

In 2020 my dad walked away. More specifically, he stepped away from a very sick son who wasn’t willing to get help.

Amidst the darkest part of 2020, three or four days after my mom was buried, my dad told me I had to leave. And before you get all upset at that statement, realize I was a fucking mess! I also was loud and wanted everyone to know just how fucking miserable I was. He told me I needed to get help and that I had to go. Before this I had raised my voice in the house, stood ready to have a fist fight with my brother and took my antics outside amongst his community as doors were opening and I could see lights going on outside trying to find out what the commotion was. Well, the commotion was me . A sick puppy, indeed!

Sometimes we have to walk away - from a job, a relationship, from family, from behaviors that just want to kill us. Three years ago I met a group of people who have shown me how to do that.  And to also see and understand that there were people who couldn’t deal with me anymore.  It was a harsh reality. And there were some people who stayed. Damn they were brave! I don’t know that I would’ve. But they did.

The crazy can get to be ‘normal’. Can become a regular part of what we consider healthy living. Toxic behaviors can seep in and become part of the norm. Part of our existence. Often without us even fully realizing it. 

People, places, things:

When I was living in little five points (Atlanta, Georgia) I soon realized that one of the biggest drug dealing operations in the area was being handled behind the tattoo shop that I lived adjacent to. And then I found it to be fully accessible. So in my hardest moments it was just another place that I thought was okay. It was helping me cope, or at least I thought. 

I never wanted to go back over there once I got clean. But living there wouldn’t have been healthy for long-term. And I eventually moved. I had to make a change. I had to walk away. 

Even in the last three years I’ve learned that there are people who have walked away from me. Because honestly, they didn’t trust me anymore. Just because you get healthy for yourself doesn’t mean other people can look past the past. And it’s okay.

That day my dad told me to leave, that I needed to get help may have been one of the ‘best-hardest’ moments in my life. I surfed couches and slept in my truck for the next couple of months. It was good because I did finally find help. It could’ve gone a much different way.  Thankfully, after trudging through the darkness there was light.

I still try to guard myself. I don’t want to be a stumbling block for someone else, nor do I want to allow the negative into my life when I don’t have to.  My living situation has just recently changed. I had a very toxic presence that just wouldn’t go away. It kept bringing drama, issues, lies. It’s gone now. I didn’t do anything other than try to be patient and stand my ground.  Oh, and prayed a ton!!

I can’t put a bubble up and live inside it. But I can have boundaries. Don’t we need those? And I want people to be part of my life. If you’re healthy, or at least trying to get healthy, I damn well want to know your story.

If you’re not, I wish you well.

And sometimes when we walk away, we get to walk into something new. It opens up space for us to breathe a little deeper and to be open for others. Just my two cents!

~Peace

The Burtle

And sometimes people walk back into our lives, once we’re healthy and working on being whole. Life is a mysterious journey… Kind of like Forrest and his chocolates, “you never know what you’re gonna get!”

‘ties’

There’s a saying:

“I’ll fight to the death for my kids.” 

And I’ve experienced those same emotions and mentality; that I would go down swinging if anything were to happen to them or if they were in trouble. 

But…

Why don’t we do the same thing for ourselves? I was raised in a culture where taking care of those around you was often more important than being healthy yourself. And as I’ve looked across the current landscape, it seems it hasn’t changed much. Selfish is not what I’m talking about, I’m talking about learning how to truly love yourself and show it. Every day.

What if we fought for ourselves as much as we fight for our kids? Maybe we need to let go of some of those family ‘ties’ and figure out/ love ourselves first? 

Those around us will be there. And they might even respect us more as we continue to work on being the best version of ourselves, which includes looking to those around us, serving, loving - Hell, just being kind!

Just a thought.

~ Peace

The Burtle

P.S. - boundaries aren’t bad either.

The Wonder of Not Knowing

I’ve got a friend, I’d almost say brother.  We met at a time when both of us were working on getting healthy.  What I didn’t know is that he was battling much more than substances or other issues, he was battling with Life.

It’s definitely put my life in perspective. On my worst day I’m in pretty decent health.  I’ve got a job and good people around me, and so far I haven’t had a major health challenge and I’m facing my mortality relatively well.  I’m SURE I still do stupid stuff that could push me closer to facing that, but I’m not looking at death square in the eyes every day.

I love this man. He’s a good guy. A little rough around the edges and definitely a hell of a curmudgeon, but that’s what makes him who he is. I am just glad to call him friend. 

What he’s facing (what we all ultimately face) made me think. It made me angry. It’s made me question. Other than facing death, what is there really to fear? I’m not saying that facing death has to be fearful, but that may be the one thing that there’s a little tinge of ‘what if’ to.  At least in my mind.

At everything else there is a wonder in the not knowing. There is beauty in a surprise. There is heightened anticipation and a stirring that comes from having to wait and not even knowing what the outcome is going to be. 

Baseball season just started and it is one of the most brutal trudges in the world. It’s long people! So many games and it’s just a battle (and yes, some of you will say it’s boring… But it damn well isn’t boring to me!) and I love it.  I have no clue what’s gonna happen from the first pitch to the seventh inning to the ninth. And yet I still check every night to see what the scores were, sometimes watching a couple of videos - just keeping up. I don’t live my life around it but I do love the sport. And it is one of those arenas where you just don’t know. There are teams that spend close to $300 million each season to have the best team in the world, yet they still don’t win it all. And there are teams that don’t spend much that actually compete. Not the Oakland A’s, they just suck - but that’s more about management and ownership and political factions in a city that seems to be wilting away.

I love the fact that I don’t know what Life is going to bring. It’s one of the joys I find in life. I don’t like to plan too heavily. I do like to plan, but hell, my plan’s going to change. And that’s okay.

There was a point in life when I just couldn’t handle that. And then I changed my mind lol. 

I don’t know what you’re facing, I don’t know what is bugging you or what the big looming decision in your life is, but I do know that it’s okay to not know.  I don’t have any answers for you. 

Because I don’t know. And that is the wonder of it. 

We get to live it. Good, bad and ugly. 

We get to live! For just a little while…

Oh, and Kent… You’re a good man. We all love you!  I know I do.

~ Peace

The Burtle

One Step at a Time

 A mile starts one step at a time…

Like duh!!

But how do we take that first step?

Well, for the last three years I’ve been doing just that.  Taking one step at a time.  Sometimes quickly moving ahead.  Other times a slow trudge, even sidesteps and an occasional ‘back it up, realign. Get my head on straight and go again’.

The mountain top (which I’m currently looking up at) is a blur ahead.  And that’s not the focus - might be the endgame, but right now it’s stretching, breathing and looking down at my feet (making sure I tied my fucking laces!) and taking that first step.

Then the next.

Then the next.

Action, especially when guided along the way is what it takes.  The trail is action.  My legs getting warm - realizing this lazy butt is really going to go up there, today?! is action.

And sometimes the action is pulling off to the side of the trail.  Slowing down.  Stopping.

Taking rest.  Solace in knowing that in those moments when we catch our breath, meditating on this journey is ALL moving us toward that peak.

And oh, what a view from the top - especially when you see how far you’ve come.

One mile.

One step at a time.

~ Peace

The Burtle

I Hope You Fail.

I want you to fail…

at least once in your life, if not multiple times, just maybe not as many times as I have. 

I want you to fall on your face and realize you’re not enough. Because we’re not. Not alone. No matter how incredibly healthy, intelligent, wickedly smart and full of ourselves, we need each other. Because sometimes in our failing we learn about ourselves, we learn about those around us, those who will actually show up. We learn about life. 

People who’ve never failed scare the fuck out of me. How in the world can you go through life without ever having to get up off of your knees? Look, I’m not advising you to bottom. I can give you that story and it’s not pretty. But failing is part of life. How many attempts did NASA have trying to get a rocket into space? How many times did Abraham Lincoln try to win a political office? How many times have I picked myself up,  brushed off the dirt and realized it was time to begin again? I don’t think we set out to fail, but I do think we often times set out to not fail. To not falter. To not have any hardship. And that’s just not life. Fear and contentment can keep us in a world of mediocrity and lack of growth.

If your life has never been hard, who the fuck are you and what are you drinking? I’m sorry to sound harsh, but everyone has a struggle. Addiction, mental health, family dynamics, divorce, health issues, hell, all of them!! Spiritual disease and abuse?

Here’s the other side… today I am truly thankful for my failings. Even the hard ones. I’ve struggled this week with being an absent parent. That’s how I feel at times. My two older kids are coming up upon the eight year anniversary of their mom tragically passing. They were 15 and 16 when it happened. How in the hell do you walk through that? I don’t know. I never know what to say. My youngest lives across the country and even though we chat every day on FaceTime, only seeing his face on the screen just screams “I’m not enough”. And maybe I’m not? I feel like a failure in that area. And yet my mentor told me yesterday “that’s just dealing with life”. And we all deal with life. Again, you ‘bubble people’ don’t have to read any further… 

What’s your challenge? And how do you face it? What is the area that looms over you? That traumatizes you and makes you freeze, or it makes you run for the hills? I had three men who I consider guides along the way as I was getting back on my feet in 2020. A counselor and two mentors who took a stranger by the hand and said “it’s going to be okay”. My life is much better, even on cold nights with the heat doesn’t really seem to work. I get to get up and breathe. I get to live. And I’ve still had my failings, but they are less and they are less drastic. And I’m trying to learn from them. One step at a time.

End it seems that the right people have been there when I need help. That I’m not alone.

So, if you’re struggling, it’s okay. You’re not alone. And if you’re falling… There’s someone who will be there. You may not believe in God, but I do. my God put those three men in my life and continues to show up. Maybe you need to find your own higher power? I suggest starting with looking within. And then realizing you don’t have to be alone. 

I’m here. Reach out if you need anything

I hope you fail.

And grow into something even more beautiful.

~ Peace

The Burtle